The Stress Diet

The stress diet

The health epidemic looms large and the US is leading the war against faterror (see Sicko and the recent CNN debate on Youtube). Now there are two ways of controlling this rapidly advancing disaster (i.e. Not being able to drink / Dance / Smoke till the wee hours - three nights a week):

a) stop eating (if you can actually do this..this will kill you),

or

b) stop drinking (Har Har).

Hence a highly unresearched and impractical (but fun - after THAT is the point isn't it?) guide to a good diet. The diet is especially designed to reduce work day stress (usually caused by worrying what one may die from - really?? that is a no brainer!!! ITS CLIMATE CHANGE!). This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. In case you are unlucky enough to be stress free - the diet helps you get there. If you are single and looking (for stress), See earlier "how-to" personals guide before proceeding on the diet(sic).

BREAKFAST

1 Grapefruit (Yes all of it - it helps reduce weight weight only - usually exactly equal to grapefruit consumed)

1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach (or Just the spinach if one is charitably inclined towards motile living things).
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the biscuits in said packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping (This is to destress)
1 jar Nutella (any size)

DINNER

4 bottles of red wine (This will destress self...a lot)
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza (with lots of extra cheese - this is to destress the taste buds)
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

DIET RULES

1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories

2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do

4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner - Einstein (allegory to the theory of relativity): that would explain Birds of a feather .......

Note: You cannot dispose off, conventionally, nauseatingly healthy people who refuse to fatten: apparently humans are no longer biodegradable

6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas, samosas, and frozen cokes)

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage

8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something

9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes

10. Chocolate is like a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass

12. Food consumed from someone Else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)

13. All of the above may be delicately flavoured with Vodka (see #4). Never tried Nutella Vodka? This would be a good time to start..

Highlight Diet Mantra...below

And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

To be continued....

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. - P G Wodehouse

Performance Appraisal

We have a problem ... or several depends on who is at the receiving end. Currently one is attempting a diversification of income, keeping the home fires burning (and the beer flowing), AND attempting to internalise the finer points of Glycolysis (no, I am not a biologist, I am merely looking at increasing my regular running by 50% - and yes, this is as crazy as it sounds). If this wasn't bad enough, a parent, in a misguided attempt at home renovation, hired workmen, whose comprehension skills are at par with a two toed Sloth, and speed to match. Hence the buck gets passed down the gene pool to yours truly. To compound matters, the three "master builders" speak three different languages - this has resulted in primer laced paint with the outside of the house resembling the bow on Paris Hilton's dog.
However, my predicament pales in comparison to this friend's - who has to "appraise" a few subordinates...and divide the pie in a manner of speaking. The dilemma, in these times of 9.5% GDP growth, is, how to camouflage the zapper (especially since this dolt has cost one a better part of 50k in bonus)? To help out, I have updated the Idiots Guide to Interpreting Performance Appraisal

1. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ................................................... The stress is on the word "average" which basically means you'd better dust off that CV - the boos dislikes you and you are the said dolt.
   
2. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ................................ and underutilised. i don't want this character within a 100 meters of the office. However there happens to be a powerful uncle / family / in-laws in the picture, hence cant sack the ass. However would be great if another department can take the joker off my hands.
   
3. ACTIVE SOCIALLY ....................................................... A womaniser/Slut and a lush. Was responsible for 30% of the annual staff welfare funds (read office parties). Should be relieved of all duties else the company will face a much higher medical insurance bill next year!
   
4. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........................................ Partner is a lush too - this is not good for the CEO's pending divorce.
   
5. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH .................................... Worth considering for a transfer to Internal Audit, the (wo)man clearly knows all the loopholes.
   
6. QUICK THINKING ....................................................... Explains failures well. Spends too much time reading newspapers at work - consider for promotion to Compliance.
   
7. CAREFUL THINKER ..................................................... Read - just a thinker. Has an In Tray piled to the ceiling. Best place to get rid of incriminating paperwork. Best retained at current position as future scapegoat.
   
8. PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT ......................................... Sleeps with boss(es). Drinks with them too. This is incompatible with #3.
   
9. AGGRESSIVE............................................................... Boorish and Arrogant. Potentially competent and good salesperson if applied to a comatosed client.
   
10. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ................................... great at passing the Buck. Has a great Golf Handicap as a result. Boss loves this one.
11. EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL .................................... Lovely handwriting, expression, especially about company policies, articulated on washroom walls.
    
12. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.............................. Cures Insomnia during meetings. Put new meaning to splitting hair.
    
13. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ........................................ Loud and rude. Please promote and transfer before the office witnesses a homicide.
    
14. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ............................. Lucky, also good at coercion and bribery.
    
15. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ............................................ Keeps a book of jokes in his drawer. Can be called upon to inject humour in any presentation. Otherwise useless.
    
16. CAREER MINDED ......................................................... Will do anything to get ahead. make a great team with #14. Should be hired as external consultant henceforth - reduce company's liability.
    
17. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION ...................... Has no social life - spends most time at work and knows how to operate the copier and shredder.
    
18. RELAXED ATTITUDE .................................................... dresses badly - keep away from customer customer facing roles or any people facing roles. recommend transfer to basement.
    
19. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ............................................. No Life - no date - basically does nothing except spend time at work or in front of TV at home. Has the intelligence of a dodo but can overclock the office copier.
    
20. INDEPENDENT WORKER ............................................... Hates people. hates to work with people. Potential manic-depressive and likely to cost the company a lot in the long run.
    
21. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ...................................... Good with facts and figures - especially while concocting them. Great team player with #14 and #16
    
22. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS .................................... can replace the receptionist. Recommend discontinuing all phone access.
    
23. LOYAL ........................................................................ Largely unemployable. has same position as office furniture.

So, if your appraisal is around the corner, be careful. If you are the boss, knock yourself out - if you have to suffer an idiot, the least you can do is make sure they are excluded from the bonus pool. If the subordinate is a hot babe - send me her number.

So much for the rant -.... am off to mediate a builder dispute (did I mention I don't speak any of the said three languages?).. Cheerio

Times of Ha ha

Jammu police recover huge cache of arms in Doda-India-The Times of India

Frankly the depths to which Times of India has taken journalism, defies logic. Case in point the above story which has all the makings of a standard anti insurgency operation..that is till one reads the story.....

Statement: Blah blah...busted...yadi yadi ydada...... huge cache of arms and essential commodities (What??? Essential for who? or rather what? )

it Gets better... blah blah SSP stated that post a search they recovered

1. One .303 Rifle (for those not in the know this is British Army Issue equipment circa 1940) - did anyone check whether this was working?
   
2. IED (a bag of fertilizer perhaps? )
3. A grenade - ok this is a bit more realistic
4. "....several essential commodities and eatables were also recovered" - right...
   

So defunct arms, and food was recovered. I think we should declare a UN holiday now that the militants are reduced to smuggling and hoarding food (and its not even winter yet!!).

oh.. and they are still tracking the militants who are at large sans a .303 and probably starving (food having been confiscated) - so exactly who got busted here?

I don't know who's providing more entertainment for the locals there - the journalists (stringers) or the local havaldars??

technorati tags:cops, idiots

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