Alternative Hypothesis

2011-11-02T21:14:00.002+05:30

Are we a storm in a tea cup
Our young friend was deserving of a wallop

bad news after a late night
to poorly state the case and fight

did one not understand the circumstance
poorly chosen words left, askance

through the evening the story rambled on
a ship suddenly lost, our sail now sad, came to rocks upon

am not quite sure, ti amo
what the regret for is more

since I last heard, the 26 chime
is she ok, is she sad, to hear from her a single time

her bright smirk or her light laughter
will I bear /sight of hereafter

Amends I can make will be enough?
The die is cast and the seas are rough

There is no such thing as water under the bridge
there are many a ways to cross before coming to the ridge

across, to feel the warm glow of the dancing morning sun again
too much (time) to loose, a few precious (beautiful) moments to gain

Better to charge like The Light Brigade
to twitch Lycidas mantle and (not) make the grade

With permission of Sir Scott, now I am come, with this, perhaps deserved loss of mine,
hope and the forlorn besought, to tread but one measure, drink one cup of wine.

SEX - this is not about that

2011-10-07T19:57:00.004+05:30

So while watching pyar ke side effects, half that story sounds familiar ... at some levels better though ;-) Now just completed knowing the girl for 6 months - large part of that in the doghouse (how is this even possible??!!). So being somewhere between 'Have you ever loved a woman' and "quien eres tu?" and somewhat stymied 'amour' thought I'd do what I do best - drink. Not a lot, just one in the balcony. Apparently the idea being to clear the head - well it didn't. Did give me a hangover which I guess is the next best thing... one gets focused on not ever drinking again. Note to self: Give up alcohol. Also solve worlds environmental problems with all the spare time... and get down and dirty with an entrepreneurial venture... make a few mil..... ok so the last one is probably doable..the others we will have to see. Swiftly back to the 'subject' at hand (or not really at hand) - question is to be or not to be and whatever comes after that. Oh and control the alcohol. Might the good old liver for later... note to self - get hangover proof booze... or invent that in an entrepreneurial venture. So anywho - a few lines written...

A film Develops...

Her eyes were a sparkle, lit on a New Year eve

Her laugh was music to ear, a soothing weave

The smile was a sun kissed shimmering sea

To hold her, when supreme loveliness I see

The BBM good night and morning smiley

Bright, cheerful, happiness grow

time beget, morning commute call likely

Yesterday, today and perhaps tomorrow?

When in anger her doe eyes flash

Whether she's Coy or cold

Sometime to or avoid a clash

The demeanor to dodge or to behold

To me her frown is lovelier by far

Than any other girl's smile are

Half Past X...

With the world cup we struck gold

months to the 'date' may I be so bold

Been feverish, been some sunny days warm, some nights very cold

Should a Short tale of on BBM be foretold?

Cupid, 'lients, 'ousin, 'harltons, cartoon,

One for all?? suitably dumped in a spittoon

Buuren, esco, Sears, lennox, supply, swoon

Friends, philosophers, guide, or complacency cocoon

Admiration, 'ain, 'ove, 'eartache, 'oy, infuriation

Life, times, realities, figments of our imagination

Blood, joy, sweat, tears, wada, californication,

The right company, may enjoy trance nation

TT, scrabble, Zombie, to the central be latent

Dinners, dates, and other hetro normatives attendant

While there be chemistry, 'ere be no formulas to patent

There are no rules of engagement

Improbability drives quest seeketh answer planted saplings we grew

The search we search for search we value

Effing hell, matey didn't have no need for coffee since months of

meeting you :-)

Interesting enough? have lunch with the Zulu

On another note, the car has stalled a few times - developed a few dents, rattles and scratches but then is still as endearing.

And now the news....

2011-06-14T14:04:00.001+05:30

In the news today, the storms over J seem to have abated and there have been some patches of sunshine. Notwithstanding some signs of thaw, general frost is expected to continue over the next few weeks. Resident(s) is/are advised extreme caution while negating curvy roads, the more the curves the more are chances of a (Freudian?) slip. In case of further inclement weather, please get a movie (or make one), order some sandwiches and rustle up a bottle of Chilies finest – this will help weather the storm, defrost the climate and bring warmth /joy. The link between Buffy's and tribal Lands is temporarily restored and reasonable traffic is expected. In line with weather developments, analysts have changed their recommendation on stock of Z Inc. from sell to hold.

In other unrelated news, a weeklong birthday celebration is threatening to shatter the peace(sic) in a well known suburb in western India. While a certain section of single unattached denizens have been imbibing (liquids and conversation) till the wee hours, neighbours' have been heard talking in hushed tones about loud giggly noises emanating from No.2, Buffy's town, accompanied by glass clinking and mild swearing in reference to blokes / shop assistants / masseuse / world / worlds dog. People in this neighbourhood are advised to not venture out after hours till at least 3 days have passed the upcoming complete Lunar Eclipse. This will reduce chances of encountering strange creatures at wee hours of the morning – drinking will help though. For that moment you will appear more confident than you actually are.

Of men and mice...

2011-06-11T19:49:00.003+05:30

With due respect to Steinbeck, Burns and one George Milton, ... Be Cool

Plans are a plenty, times are a wasting, but tempus fugit

Be Cool

No man is an Island - but to build a bridge to another

Be Cool

Solitude is surplus - and phones are a plenty but

Be Cool

My dear man of Action, Carpe Diem, but

Be Cool

.... To be Continued

Be Cool

Break

2011-05-27T13:48:00.008+05:30

... ke baad. Day X, no bar-be-Q .... law of averages must be catching up! Along with the heat, rain, parking, conference calls, dinner, lack thereof, run, lack thereof, tiredness creeps in. Day was a near disaster but, in the words of the bard... "When the hurly burly's done, when the battles lost and one (just one more to go for the day)..." came across an interesting set of t-shirts.... just in case you are thinking of doing a Mirza Ghalib ... here are some samples :-)

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a coma?
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you
Better to have loved and lost then living with a psycho the rest of your life
If you're going through hell, keep going

And for the more cynically inclined

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.... though I wish you didnt.

I'm Not Your Stalker

I’m not your stalker

just because I watch you…from the bushes on your way home.

I’m not your stalker

just because I take pictures of you…while you’re sleeping.

I’m not your stalker

Just because I send you roses…with hidden cameras in them.

I’m not your stalker

just because I love you…even now you don’t know it.

I’m not your stalker

just because I have your underwear…that I stole when you were not at home.

I’m not your stalker I’m your best friend

what do you mean you want a restraining order?

So here's looking at fresh woods .. and the weekend...

Cheers!

Week 2 be or not to be, Bathtubs and Moral Hazards

2011-05-23T23:14:00.006+05:30

So a surprisingly good start to the week on Monday morning - caught up with VK the banker at joggers before being joined by Meg. Excellent run - cumulative 5k+ - my endorphin's must be high fiving each other by mid morning. Work wise, a potential disaster averted and looking good. Evening started on a high note as well - air-conditioning activated in my room; met with TC-the-music-school-owner after a decade! And then caught up with Meg for dinner. However, all may not be well in paradise - Hazard rate i.e. the bathtub effect is kicking in: allow me to elucidate...

.....while on this terribly(sic) exciting(sic) journey in the realm of maths, I happened to chance across a graph which, aptly, talks about the Hazard Rate (or failure). Largely with engineering or military applications, where reliability is paramount, one can draw certain parallels with the interactions with significant other(s) and I do mean yours. So, in the beginning there were 2 happy folk. Their ‘relationship’ can be divided into 3 distinct phases (I can almost see a certain cynical individual grinning):

1. Decreasing Failure Rate – This phase is marked by chocolate, flowers and other accoutrements. These come into the picture as crimes are committed but perhaps not repeated. The freshness and excitement is palpable – 1000 crimes pardoned. Little or no weariness. On the lines of ‘dont worry about the dent... its just a car’

2. Constant Failure: This is the phase where you can do no right. Usually brought on by familiarity breeding mostly contempt and sometimes children. Hormones, sleep deprivation and, for the counterparty, alcohol make a lethal mix. And the hazard becomes constant and random. On the lines of ‘get your own car’.

3. Then come the wear out failures characterised by increasing failure rate. People are worn out with the constant bickering. On the lines of ‘you can walk’ ;-)

The million argument question is why would the breath of fresh air turn into industrial sludge? And I think that people behave differently when they get into the BBD mode.... or Moral Hazard? Now that discussion is for another day.... in the mean time maybe a bathtub, smelly salts, red wine and beewax candles is a solution...

Meg?

Back to the basics

2011-05-08T15:00:00.006+05:30

So this one is going to be humour-less, even to me - partly because of vexing assertions and part sleep deprivation. Last 8 odd months have been rather eventful, new assignment, EG, and as luck would have it, new apartment - that too not far from a earlier abode so kind of like coming back home with a minor upgrade.

Relocation has its own particular hazards - stuff that was loaded but not quite unloaded.... and some that shouldn't have been unloaded but was. Pictures that have lost significance (since shredded), and wires, junk plastic, old CD's, junk software (I could have sworn I put these into the trash several times - guess to the help, 'if its shiny it ain't trash'). Luckily EG to the rescue, commandeered a bunch of maids.

But the day started much earlier - on Friday evening. Having had BP go up several notches - not having done any packing, decided to call it an early evening from EG's and trekked to the lake&hill ex-abode. Having stuffed the papers and a few shirts when I get this invite to return to EG's place for a drink. Joined in by friend (Common Friend - CF) and EG's Roomie (EGR) - proceeded to demolish better parts of bottles of Vodka, Beer, Scotch and Jägermeister. To all you adventurous types out there - if you are being grilles by your respective EG's and EGR's - it might help to not mix drinks - you need your wits about you! Also if you need to abandon ship, it might be useful to have a steady gait. The evening conversation, apparently focused on your's truly, self’s “Dominating” personality and peculiar (and ongoing) group obsession with the ex. Some of this was news but always useful to get perspective - hat future and so forth.

So anyway, at some point, self EG and others dozed (crashed more likely) till the phone rang.. at 0900... one Mrs.Sal => hotra called as the cook didnt know what to cook, packers had arrived, a full 2 hrs ahead of time and old landlord from whom one had to collect a sum the equivalent of used Harley. So in the post drink stupor, picked up my trusty Honda and hoofed it to Powai. Which is when the fun started – the cook and the packers landed up together. Cook cleared the refrigerator, while the packers cleared the kitchen, in the chaos they packed, among less desirable stuff, paper and I kid you not, a stack of old newspaper, waste plastic bags, and cardboard. Within minutes, all clothes were packed - except the ones I was wearing (party worn by now) - within the hour, all cupboards were empty, in another hour, all electronics were mercilessly stuffed into boxes (and forgotten to label ‘fragile’) and in 4 hours white goods were done. Stuff loaded onto a truck – which then proceeds to go missing for next 3 hours (a distance of 12 miles) – finally landed at Jolie’s (new place aptly christened by EG – it has a certain zing to it). Bed assembled, slept in, and woke afresh the next morning - it was good to be back. EG arrived, in the mean time, with the commandeered army to put some semblance of order (and hopefully an end) to the quasi-bohemian existence. Molto bene and so forth – the army put the spit and shine to the place while EG and I proceeded to do justice to Australia’s finest white and red. Self accompanied Meg to bachelorette pad after a quick general thanks to the maker (and again with Meg and Egr) topped the evening with quality snooze, to make it for the morning run at the local park track....

Fwd: Fw: We are uneducated in many areas --------

2010-02-22T12:37:00.002+05:30

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: XY Date: Mon, Feb 22, 2010 at 12:26 PM
Subject: Re: Fw: We are uneducated in many areas --------
To: XX

As an ardent photographer and student of science (with more than a passing interest in electricity as some of my long suffering relatives will certify) this looks like an interesting hoax (see mail below). Lets consider the writers 'statements'

Indian Railways operates on 25kV not 40 kV (not that that will save your goat)
If you want to photograph a large group, you get them to climb the 'stationary' fuel wagon - it makes a nice backdrop (I presume better that Amravati railway platform). As an aside, fuel (70,000 litres) + 25kV power line (homes are at 230V - the voltage at the electric line is 100 times the home power)...what was he thinking???!?!
The electric charge passed through his body and the fuel.........(adulteration)?
The height of the wire is 5.6 meters and the height of the Wagon is 4.2 meters....therefore the safe height is..[drum roll] .. 1.6 meters or 4 1/2 feet (not really as at 4.5 feet you are the contact which connects 25kV to the fuel. As another aside, if Bijli dosent get you, gravity will!
Hence the flash or camera or any other contact is irrelevant ... unless you are a 2.5 feet person (ape?) with proportionate limbs..
Fully Educated - Fully Knowledgeable .. right....
Bad English :-)

Hence...candidates {all 12000 of them who didnt know its a VERY BAD IDEA to a) climb fuel tankers with a camera in one hand and b) you are more than 2 1/2 feet tall} for Darwin Awards or just a hoax mail?

said analysis not to be taken very seriously. I agree with driving and mobile phones ;-)

Happy Monday~

Z

On Mon, Feb 22, 2010 at 10:07 AM, XX wrote:

Dear All,

With deep pains (and tears in my eyes), i am sorry to inform You that yesterday morning, one of my dear friend's elder son (Mr. Aditya Suresh Joshi), age 19, studying in 1st year of engineering, died in Keshvani Hospital, Mumbai. He was admitted in Keshavani Hospital as burned patient.

Reason:

4 days back this boy had gone to Amravati (One of the district place located in State of Maharashtra) on study tour. After their study was over, he, his classmates & his teachers, all of them were standing on "Badnera" railway station to catch the train. "Badnera" is the name of the railway station for "Amravati" city.

As soon as they arrived on Badnera Railway station, many of them started taking pictures of their friends using "Mobile Phones" and/or "Digital Camera". One of them complained that, in his camera, he was not able to capture more number of friends in one frame. He was not able to catch the angle. Another boy suggested that let's climb on train boogie and take picture so that all of them can be accommodated in single frame.

At that there was one goods wagon (all of them were oil tankers) train resting between 2 main railway lines.

Kumar Aditya climbed up oil boogie. Above his head, 40,000 volts electrical line was passing through. As soon as he clicked the digital camera? 40,000 volt current passed through the camera flash light to his camera and then from his camera to his fingers and then from his fingers to his body. All this happened within fraction of minutes. Next moment he was thrown from the top. His body was half burned on the spot.

At that time, his father (my friend) was traveling in Bangkok. His many friends in Pune came to know about this via mobile SMS. They instantly arranged air ambulance in Amravati and his burned body was brought to Keshavani Hospital, Mumbai. i was told that this is the best hospital in Mumbai. For 1 and 1/2 day or so he was talking to his relatives. When he was admitted to the hospital, at that time only, doctor informed his relatives that don't keep great hopes. Because of lot of complex issues in half burned body? He died yesterday morning.

Now how many of us are aware about this technological threats & dangers? Honestly, Kumar Aditya and his father was not aware. His family was not aware. Our entire friend circle of more than 12,000, we were not aware. Now should we call ourselves as fully educated and fully knowledgeable people? Think of it. Please avoid mobile phones on petrol outlets. Please avoid talking on mobile phones while driving. i also know many of my friends who do not bother about this good suggestion and each one of them have opted for "Chalta Hai Yaar Attitude". Please avoid talking on mobile phones while they are in charging mode. Avoid charging mobile phones near Your bed and/or near wooden furniture. Avoid mobile phones near high voltage electrical lines like railway stations and use flash lights. My friend, his family members and we all friends learned our lesson with loss of young life. Now Would You like to empower Your friends about this accident so as to avoid future accidents? We can save human life by empowering all the IT users who are in Your network? i have done "My Karma {with deep pains & tears in my eyes}" by empowering You about this horrible experience.

The joys of singles...

2010-01-15T01:40:00.002+05:30

We to be frank, there is some merit in cheese cubes as well but the slices are really good! Let me illustrate...

A cheese single dosent mind being unwrapped = and does not object to other cheese singles being unwrapped..
Cheese singles dont have a family. You can deal with each individual cheesey single - without the others in the pack.
Singles mix well with almost anything! Booze, sandwich, music ...imagine doing all that in a pack!
You can unwrap a single almost anywhere.

...

To be or not to be...thats not really a question on Facebook!

2009-03-05T20:20:00.002+05:30

So Facebook is the boon and the bane of ones modern existence. Interestingly enough folks will add all sorts of random folk as their 'Facebook friends' thereby increasing a virtual friends-who-crash-the-party circle! Actually it's not that bad - have managed to get in touch with long lost friends and consequently have open invites to visit them in Hawaii, Casablanca, HK, Melbourne, Jo'Burg etc.

Naturally, some private life becomes public - just how public is determined by the follow Q&A (game??!?) that came through my mailbox - read on as it asks a series of interesting questions and probably answers....

Kissed anyone one of your Facebook friends? Yes but I don't want either of them to know about the other ;-)
Been arrested? Define arrested
Kissed someone you didn't like? Before or after the beer goggles?
Slept in until 5 PM? Alone?
Fallen asleep at work? Monday mornings between arrival and 4 PM
Held a snake? (Include all undesirable girlfriends, who, hopefully are 'ex')
Ran a red light? Always, unless there is a cop in sight - even ran a whole red light district once
Been suspended from school? Like you haven't ??!?!?
Totalled your car/motorbike in an accident? Did you total some one else's Bike/Car? Are they still your friend? Are you in hiding?
Been fired from a job? This is a highly insensitive question in today's environment. It should read 'have you no shame'?
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? For answer see No.6
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Alternatively - do you crack jokes early in the morning (instead of smiling at the co-sleeper) - Do you think Bed tea and being your usual funny self is a bad idea?
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? And do you know your tongue has other uses?
Kissed in the rain? Ha ha - how many women have you know who say they hate to get wet???!@?!?
Sang in the shower? Yes - ask the neighbours and the (ex)girlfriend(s).
Sat on a rooftop? Yes and ran on one as well - have a permanent limp to prove it! Though the 'slope' of the roof has certain advantages! Get your mind out of the gutter Al, I am talking about looking at the sky and the scenery while lying on a mattress on top of the school roof!
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Can only remember the hypothermia ;-)
Broken a bone? 11+ and you?
Shaved your head? er. That may not be required any more...
Blacked out from drinking? Can't remember...
Played a prank on someone? Yes but I deny it!
Felt like killing someone? I could make a list though {insert current object of affection} would figure prominently...
Made your girlfriend cry? It was not me - it was you!
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Had a turtle once - he escaped into a freshly dug garden pond...said pond did not go down well with the aunt in whose erstwhile lawn .......
Been in a band? YES
Shot a gun? Sort of ...
Tripped on mushrooms? Say No to Drugs!
Donated Blood? Yes! Yes! though the frequency may have something to do with pub crawls..
Eaten alligator meat? No - but I have no idea what the villagers at Sire Pub were referring to when they served 'Game Platter'
Eaten cheesecake? er...yes? Whats your point?
Still love someone you shouldn't? ;-)
Think about the future? There isn't one - drink now and party tonight! Also the bank is going to sink your savings and the government will get whats left..
Believe in love? Could you specify who with? Let's see...
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? YES
Been in more than 5 countries? YES
Shoplifted something? Does dragging a girlfriend out involuntarily qualify?
Coloured your hair? What hair?
Been Skydiving? No but would like to have the pleasure of pushing someone else off a plane..or a cliff with no reciprocal arrangement ;-)
Live with your parents? Not often...
Still have all your original organs? I do!
Swam with sea turtles? Nope - but just to keep up with the work life, tried a swim with sting rays and sharks.
Played Doctor? Ha - yes and oooh that Min... Though I am sure it would be more fun now ;-) al?
Been to Washington DC? Why do you ask? and I deny it....
Been to Disney? No - but I once dated a woman who was almost as large (and as shapely - this is the problem with the third pint and dimly lit bars) as Mickey.
Like Beer? See 44
Been on a scary place? Yes - you been in a relationship? Or had a wife?
Taken a dare? Yes - I dare you to complete this and post it on facebook..And have your significant other comment ...and survive the trip home!
Still have your wisdom teeth? I think it is unfair to put wisdom and teeth in the same sentence.....or the same person
Been to a concert? Yes and what a waste!
Lied for a good reason? I lie without reason! See No.4
Been to a nude beach? No but been to a nude and a beach...
Driven a boat? Piloted - the word is piloted. And yes - it was inflatable, with a small outboard and it was in Africa - the Dar-es-salaam yacht club! Happy??!?!?
Been to the top of Eiffel tower? Why should I tell you? And how is it relevant? Do you have suicidal tendencies?
Have a best friend? Yes - several. I discover them between the 4th and the 5th drink. They dish out good relationship advice and pass out before I do.....

Enjoy!

Romancing the Credit Crunch

2008-10-01T14:40:00.004+05:30

I do not wish to romance the credit crunch but what I refer to is romancing during the credit crunch and several advantages therein. So lets take our hypothetical individual who is single in the thirties (the folks in their twenties aren't really relevant), and is en route to romantic bliss. Unknown to said individual, the US Congress votes against a $700 billion bailout (read public fund profligacy) and the credit crisis, recession, financial bloodbath becomes more apparent…. And lo and behold, there is another reason to loose sleep. So SI (Said Individual / Semi Intelligent at this point) starts to fret – look after the job, look after movies, dinners, dancing, scrabble, and so forth. I say fear not – you would still be doing all of those whether or not there was a crunch!

During a credit crunch, there are advantages – no work. Or mostly no expectations from work both for yourself as well as your employers. You get to keep regular hours in your home time zone – get out in the evenings.

In addition you have saved time. How? Lets see:

You cant browse job sites looking for a BBD (bugger the better deal) – there are no jobs out there. If your HR finds out they will replace you with a younger, better looking (the cute number the XXX Manager has the hots for), at ½ pay! Time saved 3 hours
General Web Surfing is down to 1 hour a day. This is mostly because news is repeated and yesterdays news (bank crashed), is today's news (bank crashed) is tomorrow's news (oh dear!). Time saved 3 Hours!
You cant faff – while at work you need to look busy. This involves rushing about the office with a clip board. Ruffled hair included. Rushing shaves off 2 hrs spent travelling between different desks trying to plug into the office grape vine.
Lunch - 10 minutes. See above looking busy. Also credit crunch involves the office caterer increasing the price of food (currently running at YoY inflation of about 80%) AND reducing the portions not to mention cheaper ingredients (the food begins to resemble and smell like my car's engine – I dont have a car but if I did have one it would smell quite close to the cafeteria food). You will however have the customary plate of boiled rice (to demonstrate austerity while enjoying pork chops, pepper salami and some beer on the side). This takes 10 minutes while saving you an hour.
You need to leave early – out of sight is also out of mind. HR systems are useless, performance pay doesn't matter hence if the target is missing, the target is missed. Ideally leave exactly 7.5 hours (in case the access cards work). Time saved - unlimited.

Time Saved – 9+hours

So (this might be news to some of my fellow bankers), there is a daily reset on time i.e. all that time you have saved (9+x hrs) needs to be used or else it lapses and, lo and behold, another day begins!!

So… the consumption of time:

1. Travel to girlfriend’s = 1.5 hours. This involves searching for transport, taking one, getting stuck in 2 traffic jams and recovery from the travel. This is Bombay and your mode of travel is immaterial.
2½ hour to express oneself – this is important for self and counterparty even if you have mentioned it several times during the day. Include 10 minutes of awkward silence etc.
3. One hour to walk to evening's destination including more of point 2.
4. 3 Hours (minimum) at said destination to do more of 2 – somehow this will not sound repetitive. After a few drinks knees will feel weak ... from lack of food - see earlier point 4 – might be a good idea to eat at this point.
5. One more hour to walk to destination 2 - this is coffee and conversations (or a lot can happen over a cup of coffee depending on the brew outlet self and womanly predisposition).
6. One Hour at said coffee joint (SCJ).
7. ½ hour to walk XX to said XX's destination – include more point 2.
8. 45 minutes to get back – with said XX if possible.
9. 45 minutes to fondly reflect on the evening, punctuated by messages exchanged with said XX.

Time Used: 10 hrs!

Congratulations –by now you have extended your day by an Hour! Made up by leaving office early!! So find an XX and enjoy the credit crunch!

Cheers!!

FBT i.e. First Business trip a the New Co.

2008-06-02T23:07:00.002+05:30

May was eventful ... by being a non event! Paradoxical you ask? Indeed - met several interesting folk, had great conversation, but, at the end, all a bit of a dampner on things. However, being the eternal optimist(sic), and my preferred quote from Lycidas, we shall persevere. Also the US seems to be happy hunting grounds ;-)
Professionally things started looking up - the trip to the US of A finally materialised and here I am in Sunny New York (well .. across the river at any rate), gazing fondly upon the ESB spire peering from the Manhattan Skyline!
The trip itself was mildly interesting - wonder of wonders, the co passenger was someone who had spent some time in Dar and had been there recently with his kids to relive old memories. So it was great getting updates on the city, the new resorts, the catamaran to Zanzibar, the night life, the sea side at Oyster bay and the general commercial landscape! The 9 hr flight flew and in between the 40 winks, one managed to run through a fair selection of in-flight movies.
Note: Cloverfield is avoidable. Particularly if you have seen Godzilla or have had a meal.
The flight landed on-time at LHR and after a brief chat with the doctors at Surrey, I boarded the next Virgin flight to EWR. As luck would have it, the co-passenger was a college sociology major named Polly, who was heading out to "Camp America" to teach dance for 3 months! Sweet kid (or sizzling platinum blonde - depending on which side of 30 you are at) , if a bit paranoid about her luggage, the US, the weather and the inflight entertainment! But made good conversation and time flew.
Finally the flight landed at EWR and an hour later (the Customs and Immigration weren't too bad either), rendezvoused with cousin A and off we went to Edgewater! And the festivities began.... Soon, it was early morning and we slept...to be woken bright and early by the elder chuha. It was good to be here - after a sumptupus breakfast one started off to troll the neighbourhood, and see first hand, the effect of the real estate crash.... and the opportunities therein! let me not describe this, will put up pictures if I manage a camera soon (the current shortlist is a Nikon D60 with 2 lenses available from Costco). evening saw us at Queens, great evening with friends, excellent biryani and accompaniments and generally shooting the breeze, discussing golf, economy and recession... the day capped off with a short snooze in the "car" (this is a complete misnormer - the truck is a 4.6ltr behemoth, belting out an impressive 400bhp and the size of an avarage Bombay apartment, or larger, Nissan Armada). But then the cousins are somewhat tall people, 6 something and Dee is 5'9"...and there are 2 kids...
So this is how the first working day dawned..started with sorting out my local phone..then figuring out the laptop adapter... and then the calls. Now its lunchtime and all work is done, except lunch so I am off to cook. Reminds me of my freelancing (and free wheeling) days...the freedom, the excitement of entrepreneurship, and not having to worry about time!

So Ciao Ciao, maybe this too portends happier times....who knows? Maybe Atlanta does?

Semi-permanent retirement

2008-02-15T20:30:00.003+05:30

While it has been fun writing all these years (2005 onwards), such creativity(sic) is at cost. So I am now headed into semi-permanent retirement and will spare you lot a fair bit of drivel; unless I find some inspiration in which case you lot will come back for some more punishment.......
Till then, ciao ciao. Have a nice Weekend, week, month and rest of the year.

Cheers All

p.s. with the exodus of the writer there is little need for the visit tracker so that has been removed to keep you all safe..

How to Quit Chocolate in One Easy Step

2008-02-14T21:57:00.002+05:30

Step 1: Get a boyfriend.

This applies only to women - Men do not have a problem with chocolate - being the wiser gender, have decided long ago to get all their empty calories from Beer. More importantly, no one really wants a cure for their addiction…

However, swiftly getting back to the mentioned topic: getting a bloke isn't that difficult but getting one who would make chocolate unpalatable is a challenge.

But First lets look at why would anyone want to quit delicious, yummy, after8esque, lindtlicious, flakesque delight:

You will a live longer and healthier life with emphasis being on the word healthier. You may still die from over indulgence in [fill in your next favourite vice] but, your teeth would be healthy. All the chocolate that is left over can be put to better use.
Which brings me to my next point: Fun in the biblical sense: Here's what you do. Take the saved chocolate and melt it while mixing some full cream milk (An alternate recipe is here). [Do not microwave it – that will burn it and it would be any good -this was learnt the hard way.] Take three fingers (i.e. cool the syrup and dip three fingers in it) and have a drink (some ½ bottle of red wine or two tequila shots should do it). Then have another drink and remove your fingers from the syrup along with copious quantities of chocolate. Undress your bloke/babe. How to instructions can be found here. Now, this is important – especially if you aren't the creative kind (like me): draw Red Indian war paint patterns on said object of affection. This involves suitable patterns (three kinds, circles, straight lines and squiggles) - used liberally but without overdoing it. Then use your organ which has a sense of taste and proceed to lick the chocolate clean. Note: Use brown sheets or handcuffs so that linen/carpet is reusable. End result: you will burn 2000 calories!
You will save paper/ the planet: All chocolate comes wrapped (which is why it is such an aphrodisiac - see undressing point above) hence not buying chocolate would save wrapping. You could buy in bulk, save wrapping and GOTO 2.
Health: the aforementioned bloke will have to come up with something creative on anniversary/1^st date anniversary/1^st kiss anniversary/ 1^st night over anniversary/1^st fight/1^st Anniversary of the time when you both noticed the neighbour's telescope and so on. Apart from keeping the said bloke on toes, it will spare yours – cellulite will disappear.
Intimacy issues: 'Kissing a chocoholic…this is actually a good thing this is one reason why chocolate is good. Feed chocolate – feel good – do better ;-)

So..back to the how-to or dummies guide to quitting chocolate.

Get an athletic bloke. This individual will tell you "I enjoy dining out". What this will really mean: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food (including chocolate – logic being, the more the calories the better it is). You will never feel you have overeaten: with the amount of food he eats, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison! This will lead to a terrible complex due to watching said athletic bloke eat desserts and not gain any weight. You will therefore stop eating chocolate.

Get a Banker. You will have nothing to do except go to parties (funded by the other's employer) where you will only see air kissing arm candies. You will get complexed and stop eating till you turn size zero. You will be a basket case and by this time you probably think all food is optional.

Dump the geeky bot-friend. This is the bloke responsible for your "being comfortable with yourself" as he makes no demands, AND got you the chocolate in the first place. In addition is attentive to your needs (chocolate slabs), wants (chocolate flakes), desires (syrupy chocolate) and fixes your hard drive/home WiFi while keeping you in pirated software/movies/robotic carpet wacker(this is probably his idea of kinky sex).

So.. Happy Quitting and may I get to lick some chocolate – and may you get some chocolate licked chocoliciously.

How to quit smoking in one easy step

2008-02-14T14:42:00.003+05:30

Step 1: Quit

That's it. Just get up one morning and say you quit. Throw the sticks/pack out of the window or in the loo and stop smoking. This is quitting smoking in on easy step.

However, like in everything else, there is more to it than meets the eye and therefore the quitting issue may be analysed:

Firstly, why quit? Ha ha! you say – the government told us that's why! Well, for a change the shenanigans are right but lets delve deeper into the advantages of quitting:

You will a live longer and healthier life with emphasis being on the word healthier. You may still die from over indulgence in McDonalds but, your lungs would be healthy.
You can also run – this would be useful in catching yourself a suitable partner. Frivolous as it may sound, exercise + lack of nicotine/tar is a winning combination for a healthy relationship; and is known to guarantee immense satisfaction.
Definition: of the muscular variety. As you being exercising (now that you have quit and you can), body starts to get toned making you one attractive peacock!
Climate Change: everyone knows that this is killing the planet. However, with news laws on smoking inside buildings coming up everywhere, you will have to leave the building to get that oooh so desirable drag! And it WILL be uncomfortable – hot/humid/freezing/cold or plain and simple smoggy. Also you will need to give up your lunch break for the pleasure.
Intimacy issues: Improve your snogging coefficient! Mint flavoured breath is always bettern than Virginia Slims!
You can smell: this is critical. Smoking kills your sense of smell. Chances are "The One" will waft by and you will never know… because you cannot smell them. For professional opinion see here and here.
And last but not the least: Money! You save minimum ₤360 per annum or more depending how expensive a smoker you are! That, in PPP terms, the exact cost of a Canon 400D Digital SLR Camera with lens! So every year, that gadget or that holiday or that loverly dinner for two or those 3 weekend getaways or that mortgage repayment …comes free!

However, you will, like any other addition, not find it easy. The withdrawal is going to be rough so be prepared. Inform near and dear ones that you will be:

Short : anxiety, anger, restlessness (this comes from all the time you save from not smoking)
The odd (hunger?) cramp and return of an appetite are not totally unexpected. This could also have something to do with your olfactory senses reawakening.
DO NOT and I repeat Do Not take any decisions in this period – they are likely to be something you will regret. Focus being the key, do everything, but one at a time.
Exercise and drink lots of water (3-4 ltrs a day): This will prevent any weight gain you have from said appetite AND will remove toxins faster!
Finally get a friend. Crucial when you hit the lows. This might also help you decide who that friend is ;-)

Actually this piece applies to any habit one tries to kick – be it a person, alcohol, sloth, and other milder addictions.....

Cheers

Reverse Telecommuting is the only solution......

2008-02-14T02:04:00.011+05:30

In addition to being in a rather foul mood all day [with the sole exception of the period between 1530 hrs and 1700hrs where the quality of water cooler humour and the quality of coworkers (cow orkers???) peaked], there are these goons who have somewhat held Maximum City to ramsom. This is not entirely a bad thing as whenever there is some trouble in MaxCty, work stops and the entire office going population becomes one giant rumour mill.... the last one I heard was "The Cell Phone Networks have been Jammed to prevent trouble".... er..and jammed networks would be? The reaction to crisis is borders on bizarre with people eagerly wait for almost any excitement - usually of the negative kind and for empirical evidence one has to but look at the media headlines .
So, in that eternal search for an honest answer to life's questions (best tackled over a hot cup of sugarless tea and the ubiquitous "बरुन अंॉणी मस्का") one parked at the den for a few extra hours which only added to the general irritation with the world at large and some individual(s) in particular. However, just when the dark clouds (never quite understood the usage of this phrase in India- Dark Clouds are a good thing in these parts; its the Tide one worries about much like the ones referred to by Sir Walter e.g "..... that the last tide had risen considerably above the usual water-mark" from The Antiquary) Maddox brightened up the day with Fashion tips for women from a guy who knows dick about fashion.

This is an interesting way of exploring a popular concept - the usage of tide by Sir W. is intriguing as it is diverse - so far I have come across at least 4 works where he has used "tide" i.e. Jock o Hazeldean, Lochinvar, The field of Waterloo and already mentioned, The Antiquary. So, with the day suitably brightened, its back to Yoga, Skipping and a Long Walk. And need to prepare for the next (day's?) rants and find vent for my general and specific disgruntlements.

How to Succeed at work and other irrelevant suggestions....

2008-02-12T22:39:00.002+05:30

Dear Readership,

I am back with even more disagreeable stuff which will mostly be intelligible...partly due to your stupidity and partly due to mine. However, we are all in the same boat this week so let me start by dishing out some second hand advice... this one would be useful to several of you and I shall just provide the link here...please to be browsing:

1.How to undress for sex

2. Sex Shockers: Everything you know about sex is only a first step. Most advice for couples doesn't go far enough—as a result, basic truths about long-term passion are surprising.

3. How to Have Great Sex: Ten keys to great lovemaking, including the having right attitude, communicating and loving your body.

Now that you have finished reading this at work (and your network admin's web security is smoking by now) you might find the next bit particularly useful.....

the following are Richard Moran’s Career Success rules (you find these in almost every office) and my added two bit.

Business is made up of ambiguous victories and nebulous defeats. Claim them all as victories: Example: We didn’t lose this contract, it was just an expensive lesson in choosing the right strip joint to entertain the client at....
Keep track of what you do; someone is sure to ask. Also helps create an alibi in case there is a security breach. Also helps create alibi’s where there are none (particularly useful when the most interesting movie has tickets available for the 1400 hrs show)
Be comfortable around senior managers, or learn to fake it. Basically walk into their chamber and say “Gotta brewski dude?”
Never bring your boss a problem without some solution. Unless you are the problem. In which case become invisible till the boss can find someone else to blame!
You are getting paid to think, not to whine. Unless its for a raise..in that case it becomes a chicken and egg story where you whine, get paid, stop wining till the next time….
Long hours don’t mean anything; results count, not effort. Also no pay is worth the girlfriend’s ire…
Write down ideas; they get lost, like good pens. Also helps you keep in touch with the written word minus spell check.
Always arrive at work 30 minutes before your boss. … and leave 10 minutes after s/he does (this will also help with 6)
Help other people network for jobs. You never know when your turn will come. Also it will reduce competition. The same rule applies to personal life – the best way to remove competing males is to help them find girlfriends alternatively convince them they are gay – this will remove competition …in pairs!
Don’t take days off sick—unless you are. Sick includes “Sick of Boss” “Sick of Work” Sick of own whining”
Assume no one can/will keep a secret. (You can use this for your advantage too – start a rumour about the company and cause panic – this will ensure swift promotion/raise.)
Know when you do your best—morning, night, under pressure, relaxed; schedule and prioritize your work accordingly. This refers to work and not S_X. In case of latter, try to have less variation in performance.
Treat everyone who works in the organization with respect and dignity, whether it be the cleaner or the managing director. Don’t ever be patronizing. Be sarcastic instead. This will make people avoid you and result in less work. Also their low self esteem (because of your caustic comments) may be beneficial.
Never appear stressed in front of a client, a customer or your boss. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: In the course of human events, how important is this? (Its kind of a toughie, if u r really stressed out, ofcourse u should never do that before customer). Instead, appear stressed at home – this will help ward off the girlfriend’s ire at having forgotten the …1. _____ 2________3.________4_______
If you get the entrepreneurial urge, visit someone who has his own business. It may cure you. Better still, encourage colleagues to become self-employed. This will also help with the promotion/raise.
Acknowledging someone else’s contribution will repay you doubly. But Always claim responsibility in private with the boss!
Career planning is an oxymoron. The most exciting opportunities tend to be unplanned……...as are most disasters. Reputation is a carefully built pyramid – pay attention to what the others are saying. The proceed to malign them.
Always choose to do what you’ll remember ten years from now. The only think I can think of is sex..but then that’s the only thing I can thin k of anyway….
The size of your office is not as important as the size of your pay cheque. Eventually size does matter…
Understand what finished work looks like and deliver your work only when it is finished. ..but take your time. It SHOWS you have put in a lot of effort ;-)
The person who spends all of his or her time is not hard-working; he or she is boring. Always try different stuff..break the monotony….step out of your comfort zone… kinky sex IS better …..
Know how to write business letters—including thank-you notes as well as proposals. Articulation is the key to communication …otherwise one has to use sign language where chances of “lost in translation” are really high!
Never confuse a memo with reality. Most memos from the top are political fantasy. At the same time a note from the significant other is NEVER to be ignored….there are at least 3 lines in between the lines!
Eliminate guilt. Don’t fiddle expenses, taxes or benefits, and don’t cheat colleagues (or the current). You will be screwed over and not in a nice way….
Reorganizations mean that someone will lose his or her job. Get on the committee that will make the recommendations…..
Job security does not exist…. …
Always have an answer to the question, “What would I do if I lost my job tomorrow?” Move to Maldives?
Go to the company Christmas party….
Don’t get drunk at the company Christmas party…… make sure the Boss gets drunk first..at the very least yo will know what She thinks of you!
Avoid working at weekends. Work longer during the week if you have to…. Preferably don’t work at all…
The most successful people in business are interesting…...its in the confidence..its also amazing how much you can get away with if you are confident.
Sometimes you’ll be on a winning streak and everything will click; take maximum advantage. When the opposite is true, hold steady and wait it out….
Never in your life say, “It’s not my job.” ….sometimes its good to let the other person get in the (driver’s) seat.
Be loyal to your career, your interests and yourself. Being loyal to the counterpart may help your bank balances at a future date too ;-)
Understand the skills and abilities that set you apart. Use them whenever you have an opportunity. (So important, don't be afriad of giving out your ideas and opinions, even if they are negative).. Also constructive Criticism is over rated…
People remember the end of the project. As they say in boxing, “Always finish stronger than you start.” Also finish when you are supposed to….. not late and ..certainly not early… after all, in certain things in life…..speed is not everything!

Mates...

2008-02-01T12:28:00.003+05:30

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article3283690.ece#cid=OTC-RSS&attr=2015164

I like The Times (this is not Slimes of India but THE Times published in the Queen Liz's lands). Not only do they sound rational and fair (mostly), they also let fly some soul(sic) searching articles on what else… mate hunt! So while I have some more time to kill and hence read. This is an interesting take on the issues that govern all (wo)mankind (particularly those north of 29) and it talks of the trials and tribulations of a mate hunt (as opposed to what they describe as "sperm-bandits"). The moot question, as the title suggests is, Where have all the men gone?

British women in their thirties want mates. They can't find any. Why? Because most eligible males are selfish, mixed-up man-boys chasing no-strings sex, says our correspondent.

This presupposes a few things:

1. Women of other creed/nationality do not want mates

2. Most ineligible males are not selfish (i.e. committed man is more likely to be a love rat)

3. Boyish charms have gone out of fashion

This is a somewhat local broadsheet so they are entitled to their opinion. Also being of the sex at the receiving end of this article, I can hardly profess an unbiased outlook J

So they say that men start of as men and then degenerate into (wild) boys. Now I am not sure this is a bad thing and it sure would help if some of the women too degenerate(sic) from women into girls J The prime problem in England (or the Larger UK) seems to be the intense desire of women to get the blokes to commit and the intense desire for the said blokes to run away from such commitment – a clash of interest as it were. The blame, apparently, doesn't lie with the said fickle, love rat bloke but with the large media where, and I quote "And we wonder why men are afraid to commit, when women like me are depicted as hormonally charged sperm-bandits interested in nothing beyond the urge to have a child".

Also, this phenomenon seems to be restricted to the land of the English where, the whole living loose and fast thing seems to increase with age, particularly with the blokes (male camaraderie beer session etc). I can certainly vouch for this one having keenly observed the pre-mate rituals in both England and India – in India, the sex ratio(n) (see Club of 69 post) ensure the Yin-Yang balance, mostly in favour of the Yin. Also there seems to a general disagreement on the utility of younger versus older blokes – in India the younger blokes are considered good for sex and are rather "sweet" in a tail-wagging-puppy sort of way while the older fellows are deemed more charming/caring/treat-object-of-affection- well. The Brits OTOH tend to be great friends, but, "admit that they are rubbish boyfriends. Interestingly, they also agree that this wasn't always the case". AND most seem to have been in therapy! What did you do to these fine blokes in their twenties!?!?!? There is of course this whole demand supply thing which tends to turn 360 degrees in favour of men after the age of 36 – the number of single women increases relative to the number of single men who, in different fits of depression (induced by not having found a mate), have drunk themselves to an early grave. UK stats – 100 girls to 108 boys at birth – by mid teens its 1:1 and , statistically, post that it would reverse in favour of men. There are other interesting stats which you may read on your own – tastes preferences etc… which are so over analysed that they are dull and boring.

Now all this male bashing (Emotional stunting post 30, wild fellows screwing themselves to an early and lonesome grave etc….) was taken exception of by one Mr.A.Clover Esq. Who has raised some pertinent points (I will quote liberally):

1.Men are scared: their women will make them throw out their comics, their motorbikes and their dreams of writing novels! Bikes and Dreams I understand… Throw out COMICS!!! Where Bat Girl and Super Girl do Lex Luther….sorry another media J

Also the targeted acquisition is simpler than it appears to be and the following rules apply :

1. "It doesn't really matter which type of man you go for – younger, older, divorced. What matters is that you go for him". Particularly in the UK where the demand supply equation has shifted to the LHS.

2. The divorced man is more realistic and therefore practical.

3. The older man just wants someone who won't shout at him.

4. If it takes her two minutes to get into the car, she's ideal.

5. Alternatives is the Man-Boy where the suggested (cunning) strategy is: wait for him to call but, when he does, you must be devoted and give him glorious sex in flattering lighting.

The rest of this traitor's (to his gender) rantings are far too dangerous to be propagated over the net except the closing statement: "Try not to worry about what happens. Remember, there are also loads of men like me: the ones who hatched, and still went bad. We wish you luck. We wish you love. We'll see you by the swings in five years"[1].

Footnote: Interesting comments from readers of critiqued article!

Just wait for the married ones to get divorced.: Bruno, NYC, (very practical! Er… how long? Or should one preempt it? ;-))
Morrissey put it well: "If you're so funny, why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining, why do you sleep alone tonight?" Perhaps single women should think what they could do to make themselves more appealing to men as potential partners. here's a clue: it has nothing, or very little to do with beauty, grooming, clothes etc - and a lot to do with being patient, kind, trusting, generous and interesting. All of which men have to do as well, of course. : D. Miller, London, (sane advice! Lets sell our collective stock in L'oreal!)

Usual Disclaimer Applies

[1] CLOVER A, Andrew Clover's Dad Rules is published by Penguin in May

SOS, Your Place (or mine) and a wireless keyboard....

2008-01-18T11:37:00.003+05:30

So the computer Bug strikes again! I already have repertoire of 4 machines... one is an 8 year old assembled box and the others are all Dell. Most people dont like dell - but I buy them for their service and response - hassle free. With due respect to George Orwell, all machines are born equal but some are more equal than the others. So here is how it went down - a friend had a requirement for a PC. The last one had died after one attempted to resuscitate a 5 year old Viao with minor improvements such as Skype and complex activities such as "Defrag". Hence one was duty bound to assist the said de-pc'd individual get their virtual life in order. Personal interest was hopefully their 'communication" would improve. This one has a basic issue with eye contact you see ;-)
So the first step was to talk to Dell or rather their website java which has an Orwellian personality. The "Machine" insists on a few things - such as getting one of their blokes to unpack the box and connect the wires ..for the princely sum of $20. As far as hourly rates (=$80/hr) go - this one is the best ROI!! So anyway, after much research on mundane things like Second life (did I mention "virtual" earlier?) the configuration was decided i.e.

Small hard Drive - another one to be added later or keep an external one
19"Flat Panel - must do for graphics / Gaming / TV!
Wireless key board and mouse (but of course if one wants to surf from the Bed ;-))
The innards were a bit more interesting - a C2D Proc. running at 2.6 Ghz. Should do the trick
A 256MB ATI radeon 2400 something - this is good. In addition to the TV tuner card (TV input into the comp), there is a TV out card as well! So now the Second Life / Torrent / DVD / Digital Media can all be streamed to the TV!!
Sound is not an issue either - A525 Speakers with the sub woofer are cool! and if you need more juice - just drag a cable to your existing sound machine!!
With other assorted features (8 USB ports etc etc), the thing has a rather sleek design - the size of a vertical coffee table book.

So what else is needed (other than the usual stablised power supply, wifi etc).. hmm lets see.. a Game Controller? Halo// and yes Lots of Music! Several Movies! Remote IP Web cam! Music/Media Bridge!

And yes ..a bed. for one it is pointless having a wireless key board unless one has a bed. A large room would do as well but then one would also need a 30 inch monitor which kind of turns the whole thing into a tech monster.

Now with the bed what could one do? Ha ha.. really... what does one do in a bed - Sleep, and shag!! One could also read but then that wouldn't require a wireless key board. During the said nocturnal activit(ies), you could play instructional videos and get the moves just right, cut to appropriate music in the interludes... starting with Mozart .. capping off with Beethoven for afters ;-). and if you are slightly deficient in the imagination department, SOS a friend for help.. Over Google Talk!

Conversation:
[background Music Mozart]
Clueless: Help! Help! Help!!!!!!
Good Friend (not getting any action): WTF! Weren't you busy tonight???
clueless: Yes exactly! W.T.F. do I do next!??@?#?$?$
Good Friend: Grab!
Clueless:what? GRAB WHAT?!?
Good friend: everything ;-)
[Crash bang (pun) other assorted sounds as the grabbing results in limbs mixing with power cords]

Cut to after
[Background Beethoven - power restored]
Said Date: Baby, that was positively electric!
not-so-clueless: [thinking with a satisfied grin] That wireless keyboard was a good investment :-)

Happy Weekend!
Enjoy!

Why do women get plastered at fancy dress parties?

2008-01-10T14:24:00.002+05:30

Really..what a question. Another friend turned XX and had a party. Expectedly got plastered and I am dead certain that she was not in any fancy dress (the dress may have been fancy...must ask). So, among the legions of other ignoble research, this one probably takes the cake... for ingenuity. let me paint the picture: there is a professor who has a Null hypothesis: Is there is a rare situation where women will sink in more alcohol than men? The answer to that one is yes (guys please note) - fancy dress parties! Particularly those with sexual themes!
Why is this chief a genius? The madness lies in the method - to conduct this particular study, the man, Dr J Clapp, lead author of the researchers' report in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, breathalysed 1,304 people who'd enjoyed 66 student parties in southern California. And the beauty of the method - note the operative words "at the parties". so,"at the parties" Clapp and cohort found that alcohol consumption at such fancy dress parties was 50% higher. To the mathematically challenged, they polished off 12 pints insted of the regular 8!!
As per analysis from El Reg, Dr Clapp admitted that "as his team was unable to explain the surprise finding it would be necessary to carry out further field work", concluding: "Given that some theme parties can be highly sexualised, future investigation of the mechanisms that may explain this effect is warranted."

To sum, go look for sexually themed parties, ply the chicks with alcohol, then figure out how drunk they are?? On a University Grant?

Where can I sign up!!!

6 Point on the license and you are 3 points down...!!!!!

2008-01-05T12:49:00.002+05:30

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse
So another one bites the dust - a friend turned XX......literally, aged and then fell over. While the physical aspects of their ageing is a good thing - sort of the same effect that is observed when one switches from |Bolivian Marching Powder to C. sativa subsp. sativa var. spontanea.

This allows one to keep up with the former live wires and still make profound statements at the end "Are you done? Already....?";
most people seem to loose their sense of humour (which I suppose is better than loosing all sense).
Now these fun lads and lasses (more the lasses than the lads) slowly, but steadily, mostly under the influence of mind altering stuff like Yoga, degenerate into self absorbed humourless people! However, the alcohol imbibing variety seem to recover somewhat after the 4th (this is another variation of ageing - alcohol free health nuts, with a dancing mania) so are slightly more tolerable.

However we digress. I am here to comment on "Daru ke Side Effects".

The first bit is energy. Alcohol is an energy drink. There are other assorted pills (blue or otherwise) which have the same effect but we are talking about good old C₂H₅......OH! Alcohol, once imbibed (usually leads to more imbibing), leads to carelessness. This leads to dancing, till wee hours, and thereafter an afternoon of nursing sore limbs (it gets worse in girls as said dancing is usually carried out in heels size of which is inversely proportional to the said female's height - something to do with centre of gravity thing I am told; the higher you go the harder you fall ).
The other effect is the Beer Bus! I would elaborate here the pitfalls of said bus effect - however one Travis's sister has elaborated on the same, rather eloquently I might add.. This also applies to the biggest question of them all "Why didn't he call" ;-)
Slammer: This is largely applicable to the fair city formerly known as Bombay. Alcohol + Driving will get you minimum 30 days in the slammer. So far some 2.5 denizens have been welcome guests at the government's finest accommodations at Arthur Road Jail. Those that got away are.. well.. mostly dead.
Choice makes a difference. A Vodka or A Whiskey helps. A beer on the other hand is a strict No No! Please note the emphasis on the article "A". It is in caps. This is also called chemically enhanced experience without "side" effects.
Excessive consumption is a good thing. After the 6th (usually with a lot of variety), you brain the pavement. Said pavement being in general disagreement with the said braining proceeds to protest. This protest results in said brains being a tad worse for the wear. This is good for your immediate gene pool.
Philosophy (and in extreme cases, Calculus). One spouts philosophy (even poetry in some cases - but then its usually in the abstract hence gibberish). One even has an eloquent self which emerges after the 3rd. However this usually a rant/rave about the other sex. More on said rant here.

So folks, the new year is here and we must get down to earth. May be a detour to the local wouldn't be such a bad idea ;-)

Cheers!

Scenario 4 ...it is just plain rude!

2007-12-29T11:03:00.000+05:30

So another weekend and another evening out. However one has been awakened from the slumber by a rather early call from the Dell folks. This time the reason was a cracked Bezel (direct result of an earlier service request) - but they have been prompt in replacing a part on a machine which isn’t sold in India (I bought this in the UK). So now I have a 2.5 year old machine with a new "top" i.e. the laptop's base is old. But all closed satisfactorily - screen fixed, cover replaced and the machine works fine.

The same can’t be said about technology though - and I have missed breakfast - so cannot be sedate about the whole thing. Technology is failing us on a a regular basis and we remain mute spectators to the takeover of the human race by silica (in all forms) and metal ;-) And this problem seems to be confined to various circuit boards (with add ons i.e. communication devices) whose masters are between the ages 31 and 33 .. Oh and female.

The problem itself can be defined as the Technology Bermuda i.e. ASSSOCIATED with the "triangle" and not the "shorts" - whatever passes at one end does not necessarily emerge at the other (or not in the same form at least). Main symptom being messages (in the form of calls / text over the cell phone/email / anti“social” networking etc etc) just seem to vanish in transit. Now I know these folk and they are rather stable, conscientious people with a high level of integrity (most of the time) and honesty (albeit self confessed) and cute, so they must have missed the message due to some electronic gremlin.

Now there could be several reasons for this -and I am guessing that no physics wizard has as yet managed to slow the flow of electrons / radio waves so communication sent over the wires and airwaves are pretty much instantaneously delivered. -The cause of this can be alcohol. Scenario one: message flashed - sender identified - adrenalin rushes - hands tremble - cell phone (the said slavish printed circuit board) dropped into a glass of martini - master (or mistress in proper English) mostly shaken and stirred - cell phone dead - message lost - ... forever.

This is a hardware issue...

Another scenario is a fancy phone... mistress being popular several messages clog the mailbox - said mistress then proceeds to chop chop... being an imperfect device (as opposed to the master mistress who is perfect) hangs beyond a point - mistress, already too hot to handle, blows several gaskets...attacks the "red button" with the ferocity of a she tigress who has just caught a "jackass" eyeing her "puppies".. Undesirable message + several desirable ones (presumably) are consigned to eternal damnation of the trash bin!

This is a software issue.....

Scenario three is mischief - virus (much like the A15 common cold virus) causes selective amnesia in the slave phone AND the mistress. Arrival of said message (in form of ringing / beeping) prompts a rather long and detailed query regarding the origination / originator of said missive. This is usually accompanied by an alcohol fuelled statement represented by "Who?". In cases of extreme familiarity the word is downgraded to a sound "Hmmm..." followed by suitable filing procedure (this is mental – pun?).

This is a malware issue....and the plot thickens. :::

So I say – off to finishing school with the device! Alternatively - shoot the messenger! Thus delightfully enlightened, I am off to be a part of other peoples plans..This new year there isn’t going to be any Baga or Bali.. But there are things to meet and people to do...

Ciao Ciao

One for the Road

2007-12-27T10:30:00.001+05:30

This one was left behind.. it was a picturesque "Cantina Dos Alfonsos" or the Canteen of the Alfonsos. Which is supposed to serve food and other provisions. Alas the only thing this one served was disappointment in all departments except Architecture and Asthetics. The Guesthouse attached looked very promising and its located right next to St Sebastian's. So if church bells are your thing, this would be a great place to stay - about a 10 min walk to Our Lady Church and Panjim; A short ride to Velha (or old) Goa, and generally a great place to be.

Medimix is the New Lifebuoy (Pronounced Life-Boy)

2007-12-26T20:34:00.000+05:30

So 2 months capped in Bombay with a rather nice trip to the cool capital of India, Goa. In the interim, the journey has taken me through "Hotel Heavens" (nothing could be a bigger misnormer - the place is a dump and seems to believe that "Medimix" is an essential part of the Heavenly experience). More to the point, this is located inside an export processing zone (government's wisdom of disseminating largess). What this means is that the place dies by 2200 hrs and if one were to step out of the 12X14 hotel room, one may get shot.
Next stop was "Ashoke Delux Apartments" whose claim to fame was a canteen which served oily food. Other than that there was poor access to the place, internet and other amenities...but it was an apartment so one could drink in peace. The next stop (i.e. the third change in one month) was Lake H. i.e the company guest house - which is a collection of some 10 apartments which serve as transit acco for people. Nice place, food is great but god help you if you like a random midnight snack!! The main reason being that the company's trust level vis-a-vis its minions is the same as the love and affection between Narendra Modi and Sonia Gandhi. net result - keys are with the caretaker ironically names "Ramsevak" (loosely translated Servant of (a) God) - sample pics of the "Den" are as below - a 360 degree view:

Room by the lake

So currently one is parked in this den, where the Internet is limited but the food is great - if rather homely. The local crowd isnt very pleasing but then living out of a suitcase (Sideways - don't get any ideas re: suitcase and elantra) has its advantages - d0nt need to be polite to immediate neighbours!
So anyway, the second month in Bombay was capped off with a rather spiffy trip to Goa. The place of lodging was Panjim Inn, Fontaihas, Panjim, Goa. To give a background, this part of Goa has been preserved as a live heritage site, complete with a resident community, brilliant, traditional homes and a quaint little church, St.Sebastian's, to complete the picture. Unfortunately no camera was taken. This turned out to be a good thing as there was no pressure to take "Patel Snaps" and no tourist agenda. Life slowed, we unwound, and had a great time in the process. Day one was lovely..after a rather delayed "Spice"Jet, landed in warm Goa for the 30 min cab ride to the Inn. Relaxed with some sandwiches ( ;-) ) and then headed out to town, which turned out to be a walk..en route discovered a lovely restaurant ( i forget the name but its close to the Patto Bridge on Ourem Road otherwise known as the 31st January Road - btw this place also has an 18th June road.. what next? 9th January Road??? I know of one individual who would be rather pleased with that!). Dinner at this place was great (Caramel Custard didn't pass muster..neither did the cheese sandwich from the hotel) - I ordered some Goan, and then proceeded to guzzle 2 cubes of butter, much to the horror of present company... before that some alcohol was purchased so after dinner, the party moved to the Inn. Which had all the ingredients.... Wi....e, Wo..an, So..g.. and what a blast!
So the next day dawned and a short walk into town (on sunday) convinced us that that was a waste of time... even the art deco place attached to the hotel was closed. But, in the evening, one Nos. Scooter was organised for the customary trip to Baga - the name synonymous with Partying! The scooter ride was great - cool, with cool people - reached Brittos and parked next door at Oceanic where the music was great. En route, picked up some food at ....... (reader please fill in in comments).. The location was brilliant! Sea side (i.e. beach), a table, some mom-batti, a well mixed whiskey, some decent music and an advancing tide! After a bit this prompted the change to another venue (We were looking for a dancing, music, place) but alas, after turning off at the Calypso, we found one deserted beach shack after another... and therefore settled down to a quiet evening with drinks, the sea, the waves and some music. Highpoint of the evening was when present company ordered some tea and Naan! His expression was priceless! At some point, the night unwound, and the trip back was as nice... fond memories of the carefree days relived etc. Night caught up..

Fontainhas, Panjim, Goa

unfortunately the morning came rather early in the form of one WES (people have nothing better to call up holidaying people at 0800!!) and Naik II, the scooter vendor coming to collect his able steed..! So breakfast at the Inn followed by a quiet stroll in the city and eventually lunch and sleep at the INN... evening being reserved for dinner at Fidalgo Mirch Masala - a very touristy place with average food..but the evening was good, strolling around Panjim (Inn), forward, backward, sideways....and then the Midnight Mass at St.Sebastian's - which was rather disappointing as the service was average and the resident priests did not touch upon any of the contemporary issues other than a passing reference to the commercialisation of Christmas (he objected to Santa Clause) and the general atmosphere of hatred across the world. So the night capped off with a well deserved sleep and the morning, as usual, started off with a bang! But then checkout time came swiftly upon us, prompting a rapid exit towards mandovi hotel... where, the cheese sandwich didn't pass muster, so toast was ordered, and the cheese transferred to the toast... as a result I overate - but, as the food settled in, and conversation flowed, the traffic noise drifted into the distance and time flew..and it was time to say bye to beautiful Goa.. The return trip was great.

Till next time......

Footnote: The new loudspeaker is the cellphone!

9 Words Women use - And some....

2007-12-18T13:37:00.001+05:30

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Even if you are right, you'd better shut up or its going to cost you: materially or otherwise.

(2) Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. Also this is when a game of Russian Roulette starts to look increasingly attractive.

(3) Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. This also means that there is trouble in paradise - best get a coat and step out to the pub - the beer will lessen the pain which is sure to follow.

(4) Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! Or you should actually do it, it isnt like a russian roulette, more like standing in front of a cannon and then lighting the fuse.

(5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.). At this point you should also sigh - this will buy you time as it will confuse the hell out of her as to why you are sighing; meanwhile you can run through the list of potential misdeeds and narrow down to the most likely 3.

(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake - and the longer the thinking, the more devilish the retribution (and yes I do mean the co...)

(7) Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever"). Thanks so much is fake - it is merely an attempt to appear nice so you (the said idiot) can be touched up for further favours.

(8) Whatever:Is a women's way of saying F**K<http:///> YOU! Extension would be do whatever the F*&$# you want. One bloke misinterpreted this and ended up putting his beloved on the market - refer to the souped up Nissan in one of the earlier posts.

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3. When a man says this - you can be rest assured its already been done and the counterparty need not bother - this statement, with regards to men, is largely associated with things technical or mechanical or, in some cases, financial.

Please note that even if you internalise all this, it will most likely not help you. The googly is association of past misdeeds with the current one i.e. equating veggie shopping (or lack thereof) with premium unleded for her car....

The only solution: be a man about it and take it on the chin .. Girls, give up. It aint getting any better.
Cheers

Love chatting? Your online suitor could be a comp

2007-12-14T22:25:00.001+05:30

Love chatting? Your online suitor could be a comp
Now this is hilarious - not the mere fact that the humble Eliza style chatbot has evolved, that its flirting. I suspect this is evolution in its true form - largely stemming from women disappointment in men - so a machine steps in! Emperical proof - men are loosers - ever heard of any woman, whatever quality, called a looser? Even in countries with an adverse (ha ha - what a poor choice of words) sex ratio! Now the article goes on to say that the programme can chat up upto 10 women at a time without any one realising that that's a machine.. this is truly evolution - can you show me one guy who can chat up 10 women, even serially, successfully? No you cant!
i also suspect that the women, subconsciously, THEY KNOW! They just want to feel they are in the company of the perfect man!
However this bodes ill for the menfolk... lets see.. all porn for men, all sex toys for women therefore, men are satisfied with porn and women are satisfied by rabbits of various hues ;-).. now just imagine the chatbot is merged with a rabbit..... Shudder Shudder... (The words love and machine take on a whole new meaning here!)
So on that scary note and the fact that some blokes were shot dead a few hundred meters from my current residence, I am off to make amends and, hopefully, put a couple of rabbits out of employment.

Cheers all

Parting Shot

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it....Oscar Wilde

Blogged with Flock

Voice Disabled Human

2007-12-14T16:48:00.001+05:30

Right so Friday is here--- unfortunately not for the United States which means that being a subordinate super power (1bn people ostensible qualify us), we now have to wait till 1830 hrs to talk to "Them". But all for the glory of God Corporate - we shall wait and sacrifice quality drinking time, which, at the time would be productively spent hanging about in the traffic (en-route to the Pub) But all is not lost … unless you count my voice – which seems to have a mind of its own. What I thought was a cold coming on, turned out to be a case of Laryngitis. Now this is necessarily a bad thing when one has a point to put across –unless one is Italian in which case you are born with the knowledge of sign language. In that case, simply gesturing will do. Otherwise it's a major pain..can't even have a decent verbal duel with .. well anyone who doesn't know the morse code (though at this point I probably sound like the Morse Toad – Dit Dot Croak…Dot Dit Croak or something which sounds close).

However, loss of (comprehensible) voice isn't half as bad as the loss of the rare weekend pleasures (and no, I do not refer to real pleasures – merely the chemical induced alteration of reality i.e. Beer) – from the looks of it there wont be any serious drinking happening either. So to recap – can't shout, can't talk (tried but the morse code went out of the main stream with the advent of the telegraph, cant drink (permaloss of voice is not a good thing - all that articulation down the drain), so I have decided to watch….movies. Several of them… even B and C grade ones in me repertoire…TV series… anything that has moving people in it. … also there is the Christmas weekend to plan…so rest is desirable.. Goa is great at this time… even though there are complications to handle….it should be fun…hopefully voice enabled….

At this point one would launch into a soliloquy but it would merely sound like a … well.. croak..

Or maybe there are other activities which do not require making comprehensible noises.. ;-)

Eventful Day(s)!!

2007-12-13T23:17:00.001+05:30

Well for one there are two posts today... and for second, my exercise routine seems to be a bit over the top...involuntarily! Last night I restarted the running (princily distance of 3kms - to be verified)

View Larger Map

So anyway the running aside, the guesthouse internet connection proved to be a boon... my webcam, mic and assorted internet communication devices are in action and I get served quality tilk (this is tea with milk) at 2330 hrs :-)
The downside is what I experienced this morning - to get breakfast one had to climb up 20 floors (and then down 20 floors) - reliance energy deciding to play spoilsport early in the morning (this also kind of defeats the whole purpose of being in this city. Evening was uneventful - run @ 8, Dinner @ 9, and at 10 figured that friend had kissed the wrong end of a Truck, while friend's car was worse for the wear, friend's nose was OK (for the time being).

Nothing quite like a spot of disagreement in the evening eh? Unfortunately, the cup of tea is half full, as is the glass... no bar tender(ess?)around to refill... so I shall sign off. Tomorrow is a very light day (this is a good thing - I am planning to do nothing but plan for the Sunday run and the Saturday work drinks)....

Parting Shot...

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." (Anonymous)

Enjoy!

Life and Times at Social Networking

2007-12-13T13:22:00.001+05:30

Social networking is a great thing and I have managed to connect with buddies (drinking or otherwise) through these contraptions(sic). While I agree that "age" mellows… postings like the one below lead me to strongly suspect that it's the significant other who is the real power behind the post. But, some of my "friends" are feeling a tad low and certainly need a leg up in a manner of speaking hence this post serves a dual purpose.

This is should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it everyday.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And just when one was beginning to loose hope in the tenacity of human (drinking) kind.. this follows:

'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway' -take a hard left and proceed quickly to the Kitchen enroute to the Bedroom, TV and PC Room.

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone. This one is obviously for the Girls - for blokes, replace rose with [insert preferred poison here].

Good friends are like stars.......though sometimes you need to be bonked on the head to see them.

When you see a glass half empty...ask the bartender for another round!

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt, and call me over!

So people, the key to happiness is a) reading points 1 through X in the morning and b) make friends with the bartender in the evening ;-)

Cheers all

"It often happens that a player carries out a deep and complicated calculation, but fails to spot something elementary right at the first move." -- grandmaster Alexander Kotov --inscribed on gift chess sets given by Amaranth hedge fund.

P.S. RETURN TO SENDER
Do you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'? They smell better when you stop to mix them with candlelight, food and Remy Martin Fine Champge Cognac.

w00t!

2007-12-12T21:46:00.000+05:30

That isnt quite how I feel at the moment... just went for a 3k run, have a cold coming on and basically feel wiped out! However, websters has decided to add numbers to letters for word compositions... yes w00t is spelled with 2 zeros! lament lament etc... but all said and done, I do feel we need to speak in ones and zeros ..just so we can communicate better with machines (thankfully one particular friend has given up the "texting" habit - unfortunately not replaced it with anything). Dear friend - please to be noting.
Further to ones ongoing battle to get people to look at me (no, I am not particularly distasteful).. Psychology Today has a cultural perspective on the whole thing. .. why japs emphasise their emoticons...Compare :-) with (^_^) and :-( with (;_;) - we learn a new thing every day. Do note the empnasis on the eyes..
Now I am being disturbed for random investment advice.. however the seeker of advice is current flatmate hence need to go. More later.

Adios Amigos..

Old order changeth,.... somewhat...

2007-12-11T21:45:00.001+05:30

Well, after a month being (re)located in the Fynancyal (yes this city seems to have a serious case of corrupting names... ) capital, life is a tad slow. Now dont get me wrong, its rather comfortable, work is a 10 minute walk away ... office hours are good, even the work is tolerable (for the time being).. but the living situation is rather ...slow. The guesthouse is a 3rd floor flat. Air conditioning, 2 rooms, 3 TV's (differnt sizes), 2 remotes for the same (WTF??!?!) and for appliances, one Iron, one board, one refrigerator, one "fuzzy logic" washing machine (its a relief being away from the "power" laundrettes whose sole objective in life seems to be to convince one to get a new wardrobe)...
Now work.. excellent .. somewhat... the office has this bevy of youngsters.. spaced out (having worked Australia Time in India)..managers.. strained from battling Tech Support/ Admin and other animals inhabiting the corporate jungle... and yours truly... teaching all Derivatives (yes thats the kind of finance I do)
Now the other issue with this location (which btw is a more organised concrete jungle ..at best), is the location. It isnt really bombay (you dont get compressed en route to work)...therefore getting away is another issue - requires multimodal transportation - a TukTuk (alternatively known simply as an "Auto") - a WWII vintage Cab and possibly the Train. What goes for a train would put PoW camps to shame.. if one survices the biological assault (thic comes in variants, bacteria(usually found on the l load, aromas (not really, and zoombies (violent ones... found on all parts of the 1945 Virar "Fast" - fast being relative ...to a buillock cart)
However, drinking is good though prohibitively expensive... one colleague blew 12k (or about £150) on a drinking session for 2.
On the positive side - the trip back erstwhile home was great - one got to see the blue sky and indulge in pleasurable activities ;-) imbibe somewhat copious quantities of alcohol (absolutely necessary on the weekend) - discovered a variant on a prop. cocktail recepie (highly appreciated by the co-imbiber).
But... the internet is acting up.. so shall stop the tirade here. More shall come later (mostly because Google gives free space and readers cannot complain). So I shall sign off and wait for my sense of humour to return before I write. You all be good... hopefully not too good ;-)
Cheers!

wTF!

2007-11-27T00:40:00.000+05:30

This whole return to civilisation has been rather uncivilised! Now even further removed from civilisation, one is bereft of basic necessacities ...yes you guessed it...internet! So till this is resolved...... Adieu.
word of the day: schadenfreud

Office Se# and other creativity :-)

2007-11-14T21:14:00.000+05:30

Back from the break.. look at the alternative uses of .... (Yes this is not original... for the original post click through to typepad)

3. Against a filing cabinet. It might be noisy and it's possible that at least one of you will end up with handle marks imprinted in your buttocks; on the other hand, a naked break-dancing civil servant might jump out of the cabinet mid-way through, making the whole escapade less private but potentially more exciting, if you like that sort of thing."

....yes..right.... prevents carpet burns too ;-)

The world s weirdest cases - Times Online

2007-11-07T21:55:00.000+05:30

The world s weirdest cases - Times Online

The Law is an ASS! Dont believe it? Hear this..

.....In 2005, the Massachusetts Appeals Court was asked to rule on when a sexual technique was dangerous. Early one morning, a man and woman in a long-term relationship were engaged in consensual intercourse. During the passionate event, and, without the man’s consent, the woman suddenly manoeuvred herself in a way that caused him to suffer a penile fracture. Emergency surgery was required. The court ruled that while “reckless” sexual conduct may be actionable, “merely negligent” conduct was not. It dismissed the man’s case.

Unless of course if you are an unmarried woman parachuting in Florida on a sundayin which case its the slammer for you!

Of course if the same woman came to Liverpool, it would be Ok for her to be topless (Yay!!)but only if she was clerk in a tropical fish shop!

Enough said... Happy Diwali all

Cheers

Airline Bans Sex on Flights | Weird Asia News

2007-11-03T09:14:00.000+05:30

Airline Bans Sex on Flights | Weird Asia News

Well here's the question - What if you do? Do they throw you out? (Ha ha!) of the double beds? Restrict the champagne? or worse - Downgrade to coach! Really ..what is the point of a double bed in the sky if not.....

However, if you are an Indian woman, as per India today's recent sex survey, the SingAir's double bed rule is just the thing to keep the amorous bloke at bay (somewhat) ;-). While one can get the blurb at the india-today website - its a subscriber only access...

In unrelated information section - "Chesticles" (Yes this one comes from El reg again) are never going out of style and the second most sought after job is still going to be that of the measuring boy at the Indian "blouse" tailors (a custom made one is required for donning the Sari). As evidenced by the ourtage generated when a barmaid from Oz was fined several AU$$$ for crushing beer cans between her generous bulgarian airbags and hanging spoons from a "co-worker's" ........

Enjoy!

Cats and Scratch....

2007-10-28T13:10:00.000+05:30

All you blokes out there.. here's another insight into the "feline" mind... Beware of .-----fill in the blanks--- who describe themselves as "cats".. Watch below for explanation ;-)

Cat Confused By Scratching - Watch more free videos

Confucius Says....

2007-10-25T23:04:00.000+05:30

Myspace Confucius Says Graphics

Women s panties threaten Burmese Junta | The Register

2007-10-23T11:00:00.000+05:30

Women s panties threaten Burmese Junta | The Register

While I am busy settling into the new setup (yes its tough.. day 2 I am expected at work at 1300 hrs.. oh the torture!!).. I feel dutybound to report this missive from El Reg. And C, please note the ingenuity of the protest..THIS is what one is supposed to do when miffed (in a non-imposing sort of way ;-))

More when I am back at 5..

Cheers All

you do not need a parachute to skydive. you only need a parachute to skydive twice!

2007-10-15T17:31:00.000+05:30

and on a related note...

Sex is not the answer. sex is the question. "yes" is the answer.

Therefore

i think sex is better than logic, but i can't prove it.

Which I why one says

i don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path

So

cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. in other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat (or themselves).

but

if you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late

And.. (this is copied straight from somewhere else)

i've learned - that no matter how much i care, some people are just assholes.

i've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

i've learned - that it's not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.

i've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. after that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

i've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up that you think.

i've learned - that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person i want.

i've learned - you should always leave loved ones with loving words. you may need to borrow money.

i've learned - that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

i've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

i've learned - that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

i've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

i've learned - that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

i've learned - that money is a great substitute for character.

i've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

i've learned - that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.

i've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

i've learned - that maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

But, come to think of it, the reverse is also true.....

Enjoy!

Woman seeks rich husband, banker says crappy deal | Oddly Enough | Reuters

2007-10-11T12:48:00.000+05:30

Woman seeks rich husband, banker says crappy deal | Oddly Enough | Reuters

That bit later.. but before that a short but wonderfully bizarre study on expletives..

Sample

Try reading-

red blue green blue green red

Easy. But this is much, much, harder:

red blue green blue green red

The reason is that, among literate adults (except some people I know who can neither be defined as literate nor qualify as adults), reading a word is such an over-learned skill that it has become mandatory: You can't will the process "off," even when you don't want to read the words but only pay attention to the ink. That's why you're helped along when the experimenters arrange the ink into a word that also names its color and slowed down when they arrange it into a name for a different color. A similar thing happens with spoken words as well.

Now try naming the color of the ink in each of these words:

cunt shit fuck tits piss asshole

Full details are in the article

why we curse... What the F***? by Steven Pinker

really????!?!? I think our cricketers do it much better..

On an unrelated note, and this one is pretty good, here's a tip for gold diggers (especially self-diagnosed pretty women), Honesty is NOT the best policy! For detailed financial analysis, refer to main link..

Cheers!

Delving into the female mind (sic)....

2007-10-09T19:18:00.000+05:30

Looks lovely dosent it? The beauty! The muscle, the definition, the body! and just look at the add ons .....

The Nissan Skyline GT-R (This one is a ScanSpecII one of only 4 In The World) made many more exotic rivals look a bit silly.
What is Scan Spec II - This is a upgrade/branding dirivative of VSpecII - Scan Spec where our Boss Mr. Shelley Raja has "souped" up / "Overclocked" the cars to his own spec in partnership with RB Motorsport, and, like our Overclocked PC's is a Scan Company association.
Here is a Supercar that could seat four in comfort, was blessed with a large boot and good reliability, yet could still lap the Nurburgring quicker than a Lamborghini Diablo.
Four-wheel drive and four-wheel steering are just part of the equation.
The R34 GT-R V-Spec (ScanSpecII) modified to approx 420BHp. Stage 1

480bhp... thats the power equivalent of 8 Suzuki Swifts'!

Lovely, so why is the bloke selling it?
I quote "Reason for Selling: Purchased without proper consent from the wife. Apparently "do whatever the F**K you want" does not mean what I thought."

Well, I am off for the evening pint. And to all you married / girlfriended Boy-racers, All the Best!

Tips to Avoid Foot Pain From High Heels

2007-10-09T12:49:00.000+05:30

Tips to Avoid Foot Pain From High Heels

Now that I have your undivided attention, (regardless: do read the column above - i am sure it has many interesting tips) Please do not give up high heels - it is highly becoming of young women to wear these - the effect is akin to taj mahal and moonlight ... rest is a small price to pay for spreading joy and cheer to the mankind.

On an unrelated note, several of you have been trying to "blow" some life into the dying embers of "laptops" ... assuming the "power cord" has, by now, seen the "insides of a power socket", this is something additional to "perk up" the "dead batteries"

http://lifehacker.com/software/batteries/revive-a-dead-laptop-battery-in-the-freezer-308225.php

or watch here

Adblock

Revive A Dead Laptop Battery - Click here for more home videos

On a totally unrelated note...to alleviate suffering induced by a wayward (visiting) elder (aunts and the like)

Equipment required
1# nos large elder (mum or aunt)
1#nos. Measuring tape.
Some alcohol - this is necessary in case the scheme backfires.

Details of the experiment are here .... guaranteed to throw a scare

While the research was more relevant to Finnnish women, (I know one and they couldnt be more worng), I am sure can be applied to other mothers as well. Aftereffects of such an experiment include daughter-induced-worry which often results in the daughter being left alone (to "thaw and revive" said "laptop" and / or "batteries")

Footnote: Wonderful things these quotation marks... dont you think?

Enjoy!

He’s Happier, She’s Less So - New York Times

2007-10-04T13:57:00.000+05:30

He’s Happier, She’s Less So - New York Times

Now this would come as a surprise to all (to me certainly) - while I have observed that women sometimes look stressed (nagging etc notwithstanding), I always assumed that women were happier! The whole game being lopsidedly biased in their favour... evidently not so. Even in pleasure seeking activities i.e. Bar some 6% of the time... your date/girlfriend/significant other...dosent like it. Books... some 10% of the time activity was decidedly unplesant?!?!? Visiting or hosting friends some 19% (or one in 5 times) found the activity unplesant! Computer use...13%.... TV/Video 21% (will watch 5 shows/movies and will absolutely hate at least one - namely Blood Diamond/Bourne Supremacy) ..and so on. Side question: Why do it in the first place??

This is a total mystery - however if the research results are true..that would explain a lot of frost which one need not have taken personally ;-) or may be there should be another research conducted which explores what men and women find doing unplesant ...together :-)
Alternatively..accept grief (being given) - it will be dished out not because you did something (this is true say 75% of the time - this will be implied) but its merely the law of nature.

Cheers all!

p.s. Keep a record and do your own research.. might turn up interesting results ;-)

p.p.s My dear SWF's do note the right column.. but PLEASE dont take it seriously :-)

p.p.p.s On a completely unrelated note (sic) - a digital proposal-with-ring box. Yes.. welcome to romance in the 21st Century!

Shape: The Horny Remover | Weird Asia News

2007-10-01T10:19:00.000+05:30

Shape: The Horny Remover | Weird Asia News

As useful things go, this is probably not high on the priority list, but could be useful in ackward situations. lets see... Office Christmas Party, too much of fine corporate (read free) bubbly and suddenly the office geek (male/female) starts to look extremely hot! Feel you may let yourself go? Have no fear..reach for you personal "Horny remover" and rest safe in the knowledge you will not wake up next to E.T. the next morning.
Enjoy!

RSI

2007-09-23T10:35:00.001+05:30

All you lovely RSI (and PC) afflicted people… this is a great resource to see how screwed up your sitting posture is…

http://www.ergotron.com/tabid/305/language/en-US/default.aspx

wrist in peace

corrections, retractions, clarifications

2007-09-21T12:49:00.000+05:30

Re: the recent post regarding communication (or lack thereof).. with regards to hints for women the following link must be used instead:

rough guide to...

And for evaluation purposed....

What You Are Really Doing ........

...while I go research the Alternative Hypothesis

And as a bonus, from the Shazia Mirza Weekly column.....

I have decided to have my garden done. My friend Christine recommended a man called Bob, who comes over

to do odd jobs such as turning my mattress, hanging up mirrors and cleaning my taps. Bob has been round three times now and I suspect he likes either me or my house. I don’t know anything about men. A man could rip my clothes off and sit on my face and I’d think – why’s he doing that? Bob is actually quite pleasant. I feel safe despite the large skull-and-crossbones tattoo across his neck.

Recently he's started to call me with meaningless stories about garden brochures and his van's MOT. It's not so much the brochures and the van that worry me, but the lingering looks he gives me when I walk downstairs in my fleece jogging bottoms and 10am shadow. I'm thinking I should dress like this more often.

I wish I could read the signals people send when they like each other. My antennae

are dormant. When I like someone, I just stare at them, follow them home and sit in my car looking up at their window all night.

Bob was round last week and my alarm clock went off. My parents bought me this clock from Bahrain. The alarm sound is the Muslim prayer call. As it went off he looked frightened and disturbed and asked where I'd got it from. I said, "Argos." He quickly gathered his tools and said, "I've got to be off now."

I haven't heard from Bob since. I think he's gone off to redefine the peace process in the Middle East.

The rest can be found here.. http://www.newstatesman.com/columns/shazias-week

Have a nice weekend you all (yes all you three...)

Cheers

WOMEN VS. MEN

2007-09-19T20:46:00.001+05:30

WOMEN VS. MEN, originally uploaded by phelanparker.

One word - touché !

and in Machine Language....

The funny linux commands and their answers as per Linux

This should get the Geeky lot of you smiling ... and some others ;-) Reminds me of Eliza and the "Chatbot" game over at the Beeb, based on Hithikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Thanks to FrankMash for the work....Enjoy!

% cat "food in cans"

cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

To be or not to be.... that is the question

2007-09-17T10:54:00.001+05:30

That title has nothing to do with my post. i am simply idle at the moment waiting for news to come in from various quarters....Things to meet, people to do, decisions to make-do ;-)

Rather than twiddle my thumbs (which in Internet parlance would translate to surfing random sites), I made a good start to my professional blog - an no, if you dont already have that link, I am not providing one to you. However, that was a good start to the week. The weekend wasnt that bad either - the city (water) logged out - 5 hr traffic jams etc. ..well it wasnt entirely good either as others traffic woes put paid to my own plans so Friday was restricted to drinks and dinner. On the whole this wasnt too bad as the service was great as was the food - and, wonder of wonders, place was largely empty.
So saturday started well, rather late. Having lounged about during the day conjuring up schemes to do in a few people who happened to have pissed me off (and to find ways of making up to people I happen to have pissed off - in an ideal mathematical world this scenario would require no action - pissed off would neutralise the boors), the evening started to look up. Finally one ended up at an open air lounge with an unusual bunch of people - Pilots, Stewardesses, School Teachers, assorted travel pros, and, this being Bangalore, a few geeks. As the crowd warmed up to the company, the next table started to show singsof life - mostly in the form of 5 young things - fairly tipsy - in identical little-black-numbers. Soon they were joined by one other bloke who then proceeded (unwisely) to ply the object of his affection, with several large vodka tonics (or some such colourless beverage). This left 4 other fillies to, well fill time, and subsequently pile onto these two - resulting in a bit of a melee with a mishmash of disarrayed clothes.
In most circumstances this would have been mildly interesting - if accompanied by a pass from of of that lot (either they were pretty or one had a beer too many) - what made it hilarious was the reaction of the table:
Pilots +Brother -> Bad bad move, the guy aint getting any tonight. In 10 minutes the babe is going to throw up on him then he is going to drop them all home.
Stewardess -> These kids! But then Bombay isnt much better, just teenagers floating around. What a waste of time. The music sucks (this was true).
School Teachers (4 Nos. - and just to be clear, not much older than the drunken lot) -> what is the world coming true. Parents are responsible for this mess . Cant bear to watch this ..[Exit School Teacher 1 - unaccompanied]
Geeks - [reacting to being told that tall filly was eyeing him] - not my type [stoic]

Note: This entire bunch was Bawa with yours truly being the only non-bawa though the travel babe did mistake self for the Pilot's Brother's twin!

However, the entertainment was brought to a swift conclusion by a whistle wielding cop who proceeded to chase the entire crowd out, leading to further hilarity on the (rather busy) road (read tipsy women in very short dresses, supporting (or trying to) each other and trying to cross a rather busy road).

Now I had assumed that one was privy to this entertaining episode - however, as one surfaced for the Hash Sunday evening, was greeted by a "Hey, saw you last night" - which sent one into a flurry of excuses like - it wasnt me, I didnt do anything, till it dawned that in public one was rather well behaved. So M.Shetty and M.Menkka then reconfirmed the 5 dress episode, delicately filling me in on the said quintets performance, when out of sight. The pilots were right and the teacher's need'nt have worried.

The hash itself was rather successful - it rained and wiped out the trail resulting in a shortened run (some 11.5 k or thereabouts) but the scenery was astounding. Water stop included pineapple liberally spiked with Smirnoffs finest! This was a farewell as well, there was an excellent circle - people and their dogs were iced for offences real and imagined - and one individual for taking an imaginary bus for the last 1/2 mile. Kingfisher Draught (in 500ml cans) is better than their regular stuff. After a quick change, the party and dinner happened which basically lead (with a side discussion on the demerits of fit women ;-))to more parties in the coming weeks, particularly as there were several people who aren't a part of the contingent off to SL SAIH

Having been designated the unofficial planner for the festivities, I am off to plan said dancing and drinking.

On an unrelated note, I finally have the quorum (double digit strong) to do away with texting. When one individual from the other camp was asked as to why they text, reply: Because I dont want to have a conversation! The defence rests.

Cheers!

----------------
Now playing: Eagles - Hotel California
via FoxyTunes

Dont Work, Have Sex, Urges Governor

2007-09-13T13:08:00.001+05:30

DNA - World - 'Marry an Indian to save Russia' - Daily News & Analysis

don't Work, Have Sex Urges Governor

These are the headlines from DNA.. a budding tabloid from worlds 2nd most populous country and both point to the-nation-that-built-the-father-of-all-bombs. Evidently the population (and the demographics) are equally bombed leading to a bit of rejoicing in this part of the world.....read on for explanation. This rant has two parts.. part one is synopsis-commentary.

"Indian men promise to be the ideal spouses for Russian women. Russian men are prone to high death rate owing largely to unhealthy lifestyles."

Now this would imply that Ruskies live it up while Indians lead "healthy lifestyles" which would further imply - will live long (and boring lives) and you cannot change them without an expensive divorce when you get bored. Incidentally, the researcher in question thinks that

“The import of eligible bachelors from India is my big geopolitical idea,”

Yoohoo! Mail order brides from Thailand ..suck on this!!!! It gets better.. she states that this is the only salvation for the catastrophic demographic problem facing Russia (they have far too many hot women - please send some over...puhleeeze!) in a book titled "A Taste of India". Welcome to the 21st Century.

And the reason for such astonishing "compatibility" (other than the fact that the Russians are hot - check out any tennis tournament to verify - Sharapova is Russian) is , yes believe it or not, Language. "............many similarities between Sanskrit and modern Russian vocabularies". Right, only problem is finding Sanskrit speaking Indian men.

"Arbatova’s book was on the bestseller list in summer. Britain’s International Biographical Centre of Cambridge has awarded her its 20th Century Outstanding Achievement gold medal". Rejoice you club of 69 (or worse if you are in Haryana / Punjab/Gujjuland).. salvation is migration!

On a related note, (from some place called ULYANOVSK) : The governor urges couples to skip work and make love instead....!!!!. We have elections coming up.. this dude would hands down agains any opponent... notwithstanding the language issue (which is apparently not a problem - see above) - He is even awarding a free house to anyone producing a brat exactly nine months down the line!!!! Local post office is chipping in by offering free postage for people to write love letters... exactly how that's going to help the governer's campaign is anyones guess.

So, we have a population problem in Russia i.e. more women than men. We have a reverse problem in India. Cooperation is nothing new for Indo-Russian relations, we have co produced the Brahmos and are enroute to produce more. Perfect Solution: Send Sanskrit speaking lot over to Russia - I even have a list: Praveen Togadia, M M Joshi, Ahsok Singhal, Narendra Modi....... we will even pay industrial quantities of greenbacks keep this lot, just dont let them near any nukes or father-of-all-bombs.

For those (including you Mr.Chef) who are sniggering at the prospect of Ulyanovsk(ian) women - do browse to (31, School Teacher, 5'6", Likes Skiing........)

DISCLAIMER: You click the photo / link entirely at your own risk - I have merely pulled this off google for purposes of demonstration ONLY!

Rigtht then, cheers all, I am off to book a flight to Ulyanovsk (wonder what that means in Sanskrit?)

technorati tags:russia, sex, ratio, brahmos, women, hot

Blogged with Flock

The fine art of communication.....

2007-09-09T10:44:00.000+05:30

...has been lost. and no I do not mean disappeared, just awol. One would expect that with the electronic age (encompassing the Telegraph, Wireless, Telephone, the Internet and Mobile Telephony) distances have narrowed and with the proliferation of the Brit.Empire / Illegal Immigration, a common language is used.. but no. what has really happened is that the good old form(s) of communication i.e. speech (and gestures with due credit to Italians') seem to have disappeared - I, of course hold the telegraph (and more particularly Morse) responsible. Sentences, punctuation, and god forbid... complete words WITH vowels!!! consider this case:

Circa 1990 - A gets to know of B. A contact is initiated over assorted (handwritten?) missives. A and B meet over coffee / Bourbon and have a face to face conversation. Follow up with more such rendezvous.

Flash Forward: Circa noughties. A and B Initiate contact over the Internet in a language which looks like the Ebola virus has been through Morse code.
e.g.
Joker: H. Hw r u? Nice profile. Wht u doing? wanna be friendship? (that btw is a real quote from a friend's scrapbook)
Counter party: huh?

Get a life and get a frickin English (or whatever language you do speak in) tutor! Really, you have Internet access, navigate to the "Free" English language course from the Beeb. If you are too lazy to do that, some help for men is available here, courtesy a regular at Craigs, and for women some interesting stuff is here. Else when there is a law against subjecting regular folk to such linguistic torture.. then we shall see who's laughing, HAH!

However, to introduce the real world scenario... here are a few tips ..free of charge .so pay attention you lot.

The best form of communication is listening. And I don't mean hearing - I do mean listening. This means paying attention to the other party's tone, gestures, body language - superimposed with some contextual familiarity (if you have none.. you have obviously met said counterparty off the internet in which case you are about get what you deserve for your stupidity - needless to say communicaton in THAT scenario will be somewhat onesided - -"Help! Help" AAAAARRRRRGH....."). I am assuming this is a face to face "conversation" not a face-to-window or a face-to-door or even a face-to-cellphone conversation!
Which brings me to the next point. It helps if you look "at" the person you are talking to - this implies you are talking to them. If you don't, ...its just plain rude (also are not really "listening"). Do note that lending your ear (aka Marc A. in Julius Ceaser) DOES NOT involve turning your head as well (there are certain exceptions to this directive - those do not involve speach).
Humour. No one likes depressed people and unless you are a good friend, you are avoidable. So be lively - slowly the homicidal rage will dissipate..... eventually. Ever heard of a 100 page funny story outside of Douglas Adams? I think not. This is the key - brevity is the soul of wit.
Clear writing <=> clear speaking <=> great listening <=> great thinking. Write now and then - it doesn't have to be blogged or ever published. But it does help clear thoughts (this does not apply to serial killers, pathological criminals and politicians - its not a good idea to pile stones if one lives in a glass house).
Talk (read converse, communicate, exchange ideas, indulge in verbal intercourse etc etc). I don't mean scream and shout and rant. Just talk....a lot helps. Most people are not endowed with ESP and mostly cant read minds. So if you need something or have a resentment or are pissed or even expect something, talk; speak up and be heard. And did I mention that looking directly at the counter party while talking sort of conveys the impression that you are talking to them?? And yes.. honesty helps too!
Language is important. Your (english) language teacher left some important stuff (like golf) to spend time and teach you some stuff... lets be kind to their memory and use some of the stuff. Parents / government (which translates to tax paying parents) spent good money here...put it to good use!
Now for some donts. Don't text (SMS) people. Call them. If they are busy, they will either not answer your call (might even call back if you have "communicated" well) or they will have a conversation or tell you they will call back. ooh the joys of instant response ;-) Ofcourse, professionally, SMS/Text is ..well.. professional suicide. Other fringe benefits of not texting include a) RSI prevention b) improved speech c) cost savings (d) 2 minute conversation can easily replace 15 messages e) if you do own telecom stock, encourage others to talk!
The above does not apply to single women I know.

Right then, so much for the rant (rave?). I am off to plan my day. Happy communicating all....

Word of the post: errorist.
----------------
Now playing: Bryan Adams - The Only Good Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You
via FoxyTunes

Work Sex and other Ills

2007-08-04T17:23:00.001+05:30

Interesting news about the office workaholics | Oddly Enough | Reuters

Ever been in a situation where the boss insists you stay back after hours? And actually ended up in an inane conversation about the productivity improvements at the Bangladeshi button factory employing children? And subsequently wished you has a gun so you could shoot yourself? Possibly put the boss(wo)man out of their misery as well?

Well you are not alone. The hard working people, apparently, do not have any play.... and I do mean "any" and not "less" play. according to Apotheken Umschau, the reason for overly diligent workforce is lack of sex (bobfoc could be one reason..). The lesser the sex the more the overtime payment. While a third admitted that they would substitute work for sex (involuntarily as it turns out), some 45% actually do it!! Now as statistics that is interesting - but a deeper analysis shows that there are 55% satisfied people at work (who work less), 45% are vulnerable to an office affair, solution to improving productivity at said Bangla button factory, sack the satisfied 55% and replace them with sexually frustrated ones. If they have office affairs, even better - they will spend more time at work (this will help climate change as their home electricity bills come down).

If you are the said unsatisfying partner, you have cracked it - not only are the odd good sessions really appreciated, the overtime will pay off the mortgage in half the time. Office affair is a calculated risk, at the very least the counter party will learn new tricks. Splitsville gets you half the moolah and you can also look for a BBD..from a higher moral ground!

Moral of the story: all progress depends on the sexually dissatisfied......

Note: In a case of Urban Dictionary meets Reuters Oddly Enough..

Said boss can be called an Ignoranus: A person who is not only ignorant, but is also an asshole.

Said boss suffers from PPD - It now stands for Post potter depression:

The empty feeling that comes from finishing the seventh book in the Harry Potter series and realizing there will be no more.

eg: Juicy started reading the Golden Compass books to fight her post-Potter depression but she said she just kept waiting for Voldemort to show up

technorati tags:office, affair, sex

Blogged with Flock

The Stress Diet

2007-07-25T12:08:00.000+05:30

The stress diet

The health epidemic looms large and the US is leading the war against faterror (see Sicko and the recent CNN debate on Youtube). Now there are two ways of controlling this rapidly advancing disaster (i.e. Not being able to drink / Dance / Smoke till the wee hours - three nights a week):

a) stop eating (if you can actually do this..this will kill you),

b) stop drinking (Har Har).

Hence a highly unresearched and impractical (but fun - after THAT is the point isn't it?) guide to a good diet. The diet is especially designed to reduce work day stress (usually caused by worrying what one may die from - really?? that is a no brainer!!! ITS CLIMATE CHANGE!). This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. In case you are unlucky enough to be stress free - the diet helps you get there. If you are single and looking (for stress), See earlier "how-to" personals guide before proceeding on the diet(sic).

BREAKFAST

1 Grapefruit (Yes all of it - it helps reduce weight weight only - usually exactly equal to grapefruit consumed)

1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach (or Just the spinach if one is charitably inclined towards motile living things).
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the biscuits in said packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping (This is to destress)
1 jar Nutella (any size)

DINNER

4 bottles of red wine (This will destress self...a lot)
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza (with lots of extra cheese - this is to destress the taste buds)
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

DIET RULES

1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories

2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do

4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner - Einstein (allegory to the theory of relativity): that would explain Birds of a feather .......

Note: You cannot dispose off, conventionally, nauseatingly healthy people who refuse to fatten: apparently humans are no longer biodegradable

6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas, samosas, and frozen cokes)

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage

8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something

9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes

10. Chocolate is like a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass

12. Food consumed from someone Else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)

13. All of the above may be delicately flavoured with Vodka (see #4). Never tried Nutella Vodka? This would be a good time to start..

Highlight Diet Mantra...below

And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

To be continued....

2007-07-19T02:19:00.000+05:30

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. - P G Wodehouse

Performance Appraisal

2007-07-05T11:20:00.000+05:30

We have a problem ... or several depends on who is at the receiving end. Currently one is attempting a diversification of income, keeping the home fires burning (and the beer flowing), AND attempting to internalise the finer points of Glycolysis (no, I am not a biologist, I am merely looking at increasing my regular running by 50% - and yes, this is as crazy as it sounds). If this wasn't bad enough, a parent, in a misguided attempt at home renovation, hired workmen, whose comprehension skills are at par with a two toed Sloth, and speed to match. Hence the buck gets passed down the gene pool to yours truly. To compound matters, the three "master builders" speak three different languages - this has resulted in primer laced paint with the outside of the house resembling the bow on Paris Hilton's dog.
However, my predicament pales in comparison to this friend's - who has to "appraise" a few subordinates...and divide the pie in a manner of speaking. The dilemma, in these times of 9.5% GDP growth, is, how to camouflage the zapper (especially since this dolt has cost one a better part of 50k in bonus)? To help out, I have updated the Idiots Guide to Interpreting Performance Appraisal

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ................................................... The stress is on the word "average" which basically means you'd better dust off that CV - the boos dislikes you and you are the said dolt.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ................................ and underutilised. i don't want this character within a 100 meters of the office. However there happens to be a powerful uncle / family / in-laws in the picture, hence cant sack the ass. However would be great if another department can take the joker off my hands.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ....................................................... A womaniser/Slut and a lush. Was responsible for 30% of the annual staff welfare funds (read office parties). Should be relieved of all duties else the company will face a much higher medical insurance bill next year!
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........................................ Partner is a lush too - this is not good for the CEO's pending divorce.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH .................................... Worth considering for a transfer to Internal Audit, the (wo)man clearly knows all the loopholes.
QUICK THINKING ....................................................... Explains failures well. Spends too much time reading newspapers at work - consider for promotion to Compliance.
CAREFUL THINKER ..................................................... Read - just a thinker. Has an In Tray piled to the ceiling. Best place to get rid of incriminating paperwork. Best retained at current position as future scapegoat.
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT ......................................... Sleeps with boss(es). Drinks with them too. This is incompatible with #3.
AGGRESSIVE............................................................... Boorish and Arrogant. Potentially competent and good salesperson if applied to a comatosed client.
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ................................... great at passing the Buck. Has a great Golf Handicap as a result. Boss loves this one.
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL .................................... Lovely handwriting, expression, especially about company policies, articulated on washroom walls.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.............................. Cures Insomnia during meetings. Put new meaning to splitting hair.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ........................................ Loud and rude. Please promote and transfer before the office witnesses a homicide.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ............................. Lucky, also good at coercion and bribery.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ............................................ Keeps a book of jokes in his drawer. Can be called upon to inject humour in any presentation. Otherwise useless.
CAREER MINDED ......................................................... Will do anything to get ahead. make a great team with #14. Should be hired as external consultant henceforth - reduce company's liability.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION ...................... Has no social life - spends most time at work and knows how to operate the copier and shredder.
RELAXED ATTITUDE .................................................... dresses badly - keep away from customer customer facing roles or any people facing roles. recommend transfer to basement.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ............................................. No Life - no date - basically does nothing except spend time at work or in front of TV at home. Has the intelligence of a dodo but can overclock the office copier.
INDEPENDENT WORKER ............................................... Hates people. hates to work with people. Potential manic-depressive and likely to cost the company a lot in the long run.
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ...................................... Good with facts and figures - especially while concocting them. Great team player with #14 and #16
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS .................................... can replace the receptionist. Recommend discontinuing all phone access.
LOYAL ........................................................................ Largely unemployable. has same position as office furniture.

So, if your appraisal is around the corner, be careful. If you are the boss, knock yourself out - if you have to suffer an idiot, the least you can do is make sure they are excluded from the bonus pool. If the subordinate is a hot babe - send me her number.

So much for the rant -.... am off to mediate a builder dispute (did I mention I don't speak any of the said three languages?).. Cheerio

Times of Ha ha

2007-07-03T17:38:00.001+05:30

Jammu police recover huge cache of arms in Doda-India-The Times of India

Frankly the depths to which Times of India has taken journalism, defies logic. Case in point the above story which has all the makings of a standard anti insurgency operation..that is till one reads the story.....

Statement: Blah blah...busted...yadi yadi ydada...... huge cache of arms and essential commodities (What??? Essential for who? or rather what? )

it Gets better... blah blah SSP stated that post a search they recovered

One .303 Rifle (for those not in the know this is British Army Issue equipment circa 1940) - did anyone check whether this was working?
IED (a bag of fertilizer perhaps? )
A grenade - ok this is a bit more realistic
"....several essential commodities and eatables were also recovered" - right...

So defunct arms, and food was recovered. I think we should declare a UN holiday now that the militants are reduced to smuggling and hoarding food (and its not even winter yet!!).

oh.. and they are still tracking the militants who are at large sans a .303 and probably starving (food having been confiscated) - so exactly who got busted here?

I don't know who's providing more entertainment for the locals there - the journalists (stringers) or the local havaldars??

technorati tags:cops, idiots

Blogged with Flock

Closed....

2007-06-28T18:40:00.000+05:30

Closed for renovation - the management has temporarily taken a break from such timekillers. Should you find yourself unoccupied, please visit Desktop Tower Defence or One More Level for more suitable timekillers.

Thanks and Regards

क्लोसेद फ़ॉर रेनोवेशन - थे मनागेमेंत हस तेम्पोरारिल्य ताकें अ ब्रेक फ्रॉम सुच तिमेकिल्लेर्स. शौल्ड यू फंड यौर्सेल्फ़ उनोक्कुपिएद्, प्लेस विसित देस्क्तोप तोवेर डिफेन्स ओर ओने मोरे लेवल फ़ॉर मोरे सुइताब्ले तिमेकिल्लेर्स.

थैंक्स एंड रेगार्द्स

Bonus

 दर्द  मिन्नत_काश-ए-दवा  ना  हुआ
       मैं ना अच्चा हुआ, बुरा ना हुआ

       [ मिन्नत_काश-ए-दवा = obliged to medicine ]

Ex's, Hot air, and Climate Change

2007-06-20T10:19:00.000+05:30

A friend is expecting and as all expecting people, is into baby names. Recently, over virtual coffee, one was asked for an opinion on a baby name... which, ostensibly was an amalgamation of the couples names with a few extra letters, gratis, just to make sense and prevent border-child-abuse charges from the expected progeny (to illustrate ..imagine a kid's name in text speak i.e. fuk for Faulkner). This conversation turned interesting as the name, while uncommon, was an ex's name as well... as well as that ex's ex sister's (... 's morbid parents???)! So that ended that discussion, with the said friend scurrying (as much as is possible) for the baby name book(s)...
note for all baby name seekers.. while bouncing baby names off people, make sure you know about their ex's else you may have to give up a name you really like. If this character still likes the ex...said person will get creepy later on. Also visit the British museum - they have (historically) the best repertoire of names there is - traditional, contemporary and universal.

Now that being said, have a lot of friends who are..well.. not here. Email, Myspace, Youtube, Googlegroups etc etc are great technological inventions which invest with us the power to reconnect. Find old friends, make new ones (read hot women), set up dates...cancel them, find new employers...post CV on office time.....pirated movies, limewired songs...oh the joys of the Internet! However nothing quite beats the joy of coming into work and finding message(s) (presumably from a hot guy / babe) flashing on the monitor!! Perhaps some soulful poetry ........

The sky seems so much blacker than all the other nights
Bringing a deeper chill which reaches my bones
The stars are scattered
Sparkling, shining, shaping the world
I can’t see anything else but you,
Anything but you and the stars......(- Toni Lynn Arena -)

perhaps a simple "Coffee@3:57?"

...reading replete with the goosebumps and assorted bells ringing....spring in the air, birds singing, pinacoladas on the beach etc etc

Well ...Congratulations! You have the dubious distinction of having deprived a poor family of a whole week of electricity! By leaving the computer on, you have wasted a minimum of 35 watts times number of hours. I mean, really, the office pays for your mobile/blackberry, you do have access at home AND all interesting friends /interests have relevant numbers to contact you lot ...exactly what is the point of leaving your computer running overnight? perhaps you want to have non-verbal communication?? exclusively? You realise that that is a sure sign of dying social skills?
In addition
a) elec. communication is not a good idea for any relationship - cybersex is another matter.
b) its OK to use paper for love notes - proven technology and stays longer than Falsh SD memory / CDs therefore can be used for future gentle reminding and (for the more ingenious among us) , blackmail. Plus even Apple Jobs has not come up with the colours that most women seem to be able to identify/ select (on paper) - if you . Also unwanted "paper" notes can come in mighty handy in emergencies.
c) Said poem is likely to turn to reality.. a permanent one (i.e. cant see much, there is a chill, and the sky blacker.... clear signs of a grid collapse and following blackout).
d) Lets face it "hey u, hw r u?" will never ever measure upto "This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

So dear people (and others), I get it that you may have a need for some appreciation (re: office sucks, relationship(s), Climate Change, need life, fav. women's hockey lost to Burundi, .....whatever). Give me a hint (a time to call would be nice as well) that you need company / conversation (even one sided): I am happy to oblige .. I can talk or listen (I am a great talker / listener as some of you already know). I can be articulate / humorous ..whatever be the need of the hour. I can even make an effort to recite poetry should that tickle your fancy. And, against better judgement, I can all of the above over drinks with white spirits! But please, when you are done with the day's trials and tribulations, SWITCH OFF THE DAMN PC!!!

Kill Conversation

2007-06-16T13:49:00.000+05:30

As one learns time and again... there will be one rather irritating individual in the (present) company who will subject you to verbal diarrhoea ...ad nauseum (recent person experience is reason for sudden interest in the subject).

what can one do:

Shut up...and suffer in silence - true makings of a serial killer
Walk off...and miss chance to hook up with hot babe
1. Change conversation - successful strategy.. requires a certain amount of verbal finesse
(surreptitious articulation if you must)...

To demonstrate.... from the annals of El Reg. (.. follow link to add your own diatribe)

Comments on ‘Rufus, Mok and Lai urinate on mean customers' baggage’

Pain in the butts beware

By Robin Lettice

Published Friday 15th June 2007 12:26 GMT

Egad...

By Andrew Moore

Posted Friday 15th June 2007 12:32 GMT

Comments on comments- I feel so recursive...

re: Egad...

By Colin Jackson

Posted Friday 15th June 2007 14:09 GMT

Web 2.0 in action baby.

Egad^2

By ian

Posted Friday 15th June 2007 14:43 GMT

Can I comment on your comment on the comments?

Re: Egad^2

By David S

Posted Friday 15th June 2007 15:09 GMT

What a ridiculous comment.

Confusius

By Bruce Sinton

Posted Friday 15th June 2007 19:36 GMT

Him very wise man, speak much truth.

Bruce

More Confusius

Posted Friday 15th June 2007 20:06 GMT

Good for boy to meet girl in park. Better for boy to park meet in girl.

Q.E.D.

have a disastrous weekend unfolding.. wouldn't want to miss any part of it.... till next time... Cheers

Working on your own....

2007-05-29T18:12:00.000+05:30

Why one must not have a boss....

 देखना किस्मत कि आप अपने पे रश्क आजाये  है

    मैं उसे; देखूं, भला कब मुझसे देखा जाये है
रश्क => envy

Coorg 2: Dishes, Drives, Delectable and Delightful

2007-05-22T13:56:00.000+05:30

My uncle George had discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

....from The Delayed Exit of Claude and Eustace (1923)

This has been a hectic week (the one gone by) and after discovering the joys of Bangalore (rather early) night life (A "Hint" of "Maya" in the "Tavern") sauntered off into the west, the land of the Kodavas or Coorgis. The destination was Polycad Estate, Amathi, some 250 odd kms from Bangalore. Lovely place and the recommended route is Bangalore - Srirangapatana - Hunsur (Bypassing Mysore) - Piriyapatna - Siddapura - Amathi. The Piriyapatna - Siddapura stretch is a spectacular drive through some forests and the odd manicured plantation on the side.

Started a little late but after a food stop at Kamath's on the Blr-Mysore SH17, it was smooth sailing. The country roads are slightly narrow but on the whole motorable (except 4 or 5, hundred meter patches where widening work's going on) and the drive takes 5 hrs plus depending on the passengers / drivers.

After arriving, went off to iripu falls (didn't make it on time) and had a minor flutter when we nearly ran out of gas - the Petrol Pumps (or Petrol Bunks as they are known locally). So a fuel stop and drink stop later, were back at the estate. Evening drinks - most welcome after the 300 plus kms of driving - were accompanied by apricots marinated in home made brandy followed by a lavish spread. After some dessert and brandy for afters, all retired. The morning started late, 9ish, but we were on our way soon thereafter with Bylakuppe being the first (and as it turned out, only) port of call.

Things to do: Relax
Other things to do: Enjoy the clean air and the food that the Cariappas' provide. While the cost includes bed and breakfast, the dinner there is excellent.
Yet other things to do: Go to Iripu falls, close to Brahmagiri forest: this must be accomplished before 6 pm (the access gates shut and the area is taken over by wild tuskers - who are not particularly fond of garishly dressed tourists).
Adjoining areas: Nagarhole national park, Wayanad Wildlife Sanctuary
En route Places: Brindavan Gardens and attached Bird sanctuary; Bylakuppe Tibetean Settlement

Bylakuppe is a quite quaint place with not much to do. They make good momos, otherwise the place is a bit too touristy. The Golden Temple Complex is imposing but sadly over run by tourists who treat the place like a photo-op, killing the feel of the place. Bylakuppe is best visited the way back. Some pics are attached....

Note: Please understand that these are not "Party Places" and the people are really very hospitable. Two nights are highly advisable otherwise the driving around becomes exhausting. Also the places have limited accommodation so book well in advance. The food is excellent and the thinking liberal so go have fun, commune with nature (and yourself or whoever / whatever takes your your fancy) and enjoy yourself!

प.एस.: If there are any single coorgi girls out there, I would love to get in touch

To Move or not to move....

2007-05-16T10:16:00.001+05:30

The return of East India Co- Hindustan Times

Apparently Bombay still has a colonial hangover...

Right, so continuing from wherever (if there is such a word), one has a soft corner for Bombay (or Mumbai), having moved here straight after “education” at Wimwi (re: academic case studies reference - Well Known Institute of Management in Western India). So the feedback on other people-to-do-and-things-to-see … rule a) have a lot of time on hand or b) gas mask handy – asphyxia is a distinct possibility in Bombay traffic.

The places in and around Bandra are highly recommended – there is something to suit every mood, palate, time and girth. It’s also a smallish place with grid lanes so getting around within the area is not a problem (if you know the by-lanes). Not only are there mainstream wannabe places like Olive (which served boiled oysters the last time I visited – consequently did nothing for my or my date’s libido) Or Shatranj Napoli (regularly screw up on reservations – not good if one is short on time), the HSBC bank crossroads (turner road) is where one gets the best food – Lemon Grass for Oriental and a whole lot of Fusion food. Drinks at the Hawaiian Shack or Toto’s (Rock music, inexpensive alcohol and décor that hasn’t changed for over a decade or so)….Juhu OTOH is completely avoidable, if the traffic doesn't get you, the music(sic) will.

But, IMHO, Bombay isn’t the best place for food – that honour goes to Delhi. Notwithstanding the lack of security (particularly wrt women), those buggers know how to eat and be merry! For drinking one has to be back in Bombay…any further comment is likely to start a Del v/s Bom war of words so after a dull and largely unexciting discourse on Bombay, the city where a 35km commute takes 3 hours (or longer if it rains)….. I retire from writing… have a busy evening to look forward to…… Salute.

technorati tags:bombay, delhi, food, guide, pub, pint, lounge, bar

Blogged with Flock

2007-05-15T19:48:00.000+05:30

Right ...just back from B'Bay and the withdrawal symptoms of an efficient city were clear. Functioning meters, electricity, people and the general buzz. However, to my dedicated readers (if any) I must point out that going to Andheri (and adjoining areas like Lokhandwala, 7/4 Bungalows, Versova etc. and trying to look for a watering hole is an exercise in futility. The "Pub" one wound up in (on Saturday) was Enigma (every city in India seems to have one or more of those) - where the music was rubbish and the DJ apparently didn't have volume control (or hadnt heard of it) - net result was that the company for the evening went from pleasant to surprised to agitated. However when the music reached a pitch normally associated with fighter jets, we decided to call it quits and head for the safer (for the ears) environs of the attached Restaurant, Legacy of China - aptly named so. The table was a corner facing a fish tank where you could have a meal in peace while the fish gaped at you. The food was, how shall I put it kindly...rubbish. Their idea of "crisp" pan fried noodles was a gruel out of a POW camp. ... however after much cajoling and coaxing , and the combined intellectual efforts of two, finally got the manager to produce something which was pan fried (perhaps noodles?). Net result was a fairly agitated company..
Verdict: LoC and Enigma are a Write-off for bad food and worse music (though it could be a toss up between the two). Suggest those seeking nocturnal pleasures of fine wine go to the original enigma at Mariott Juhu.
.... to be continued. I have to mosey down to the local watering hole for a pint.

Romacing the Stoned.....

2007-04-29T11:18:00.001+05:30

CRAFTS : Storage : Emergency Romance Kit : DIY Network

As it happens that there are several of us who may be "romantically challenged" and the concept of "Romance" being rather nebulous, shall continue to be challenged... Let us delve deeper into this concept of romance, which the internet informs us is, among other things

i go for number 2 and 4. However, this world view differers between the counterparties, who, for purposes of political correctness and un-anachronistic relevance, we shall refer to as yin and yang.

Now, there are some places where "romance" CANNOT POSSIBLY FLOURISH - namely a sports bar, Bombay promenards (unless one is gay which is apparently acceptable to the Bombay Police - otherwise be ready to cough up a Rs.1200 / £15 fine plus a record for "indecency", read holding hands or worse, kissing!) and Bangalore roads.

Bangalore roads are uniquely unsuitable for a quite drive as a) it requires ones undivided attention given that most (if not all) drivers assume that traffic rules were a joke conjured up by some Minister (political variety), after the 6th pint (This could be true if one were to look at local traffic planning - which among other things, includes a traffic signal on top of a flyover). Paying attention to the cute co-passenger (Object of affection, love interest, hot chick etc.) risks grevious injury - day or night.

The second issue is the noise - largely attributable to honking and 30 year old Autorickshaws.

Conversation:

Shall I compare thee to a HONK HONK?

Thou art more Grrrrrr and more {"%^&*(($££££}:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of {screeeeeech},

And [crunch] all too short {sound of truck connecting with bike, bloke and car}:

Sometime too hot {replace with expletives in Tamil, Hindi, Kannada, Swedish and German},

And often [cough cough - starting symptioms of monoxide poisoning] dimm'd;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade

....................................rest lost in the pneumatic drill going off next to your ear - or the autorickshaw which sounds the same.

Please note that the above sonnet(18), while great for shakespeare and certain sections of Oxbridge literary fraternity, mentions eternal summers. Mention of eternal summers in the above scenario, particularly when the automobile air conditioning has collapsed, is unlikely to endear onself to said object of affection ...in India.

Which brings us to the "do's" - a) goto a few city night spots where conversation is possible (this can possibly lead to other interesting experiences) - enroute blast the a/c along with some death metal or whatever takes your co-pass.'s particular fancy (Pavlov's conditioned reflexes etc.. if you must be cerebral about romance). Ditto on return trip.

b) build a kit. For this one must know the difference between lavender (there are several associations with this) and purple, a hat box (fairly challenging unless one is associated with Houdini or P C Sorcar Senior) and other acoturements (refer link). Stay at home and open box with the flourish of Sorcar / Houdini (minus a few accompanied expressions which are guaranteed to creep out the counter party), with some smooth jazz / Bollywoods worst (and you still want the date???) one is ready to roll. Decent wine, smelly candles (not incense sticks - we want to please not gas), and low lighting cannot hurt. Also sitting down Japanese style is better as opposed to the conventional two chair affair (aka Tom Hanks+ CZJ in The terminal - the result of that encounter wasn't very desirable either). The moon is desireable but is a bit of a wild card hence not a part of the said kit.

That, ma Cherie / mon ami, is romancing for the stoned or the young (mental capacities being the same). If you need this advice you are doomed anyway - an Art of Liv. course is highly recommended for you to screw you up further so that you are not a danger to yourself, the stalkee (erstwhile object of affection) and the public at large. In self interest suggest turning asexual / retiring to Kullu/manali where the worlds potheads congregate for an apparently free run of the worlds supposedly finest organic substance (abuse). That will make you happier or dead or both.

Bootnote:Said drivel does not apply to women of indeterminate age.

technorati tags:bangalore, romance, date, drive, kit, jazz

Blogged with Flock

Water Water Everywhere.....

2007-04-27T19:11:00.001+05:30

Bangalore drains turn death trap

The week draws to a close... which is supposed to have significance for normal people.. However to me its just another excuse to Drink, Dine and well...run. Might throw in a play / movie for a good measure but then there is work to think about...

However what gets my goat (yes there is such an expression dear Bachcha) is the blatant usurping of public/ private land (and sometimes of water bodies as well - will explain) in the fair city of Bangalore. A case in point is the "Builders" NGV Club - Builders being euphemism for government contractors, whose moral quotient is less than that of a 13 day hungry hyena. Being at the bottom rung of the honesty ladder, these characters decided to build a "social" club where everyone comes for their evening tipple. In addition the "Club" offers an open air pool (currently closed due to some kids falling ill after swimming in it - the water turning green after local flooding should have been a hint), a couple of tennis courts among other things. These two facilities are unique in the sense they aren't built on land...the pool house (changing rooms etc) and the courts are built on a natural drain..yes ON top of a natural drain. Net result - with every half decent shower, NGV and Surrounding areas of Ejipura turn into Lake Baikal - with sludge thick enough to transport house sized boulders.

But lets not blame such fauna for our civic woes .. when the prime suspect for clogged drains is, other than bad planning, plastic bags...

However, its an interesting legal position, can one own a drain? More interesting position, can one flush a couple of enc-roachers down the drain?

Boot note:Coincidentally, a new "Sports" Complex was put up - with a men's and women's hair "dressing" facility ...the said facility was inaugurated by the Local "Health" Minister....

technorati tags:Bangalore, flooding, NGV, Club, Encroachment

Blogged with Flock

2007-04-23T21:59:00.000+05:30

Retired.................

This is what prevents my being a productive member of society.....

2007-04-19T19:06:00.001+05:30

Canadian seal hunters trapped in ice | The Register

Wake up (at some point during the day) and feel that that world has completely lost it... the point was driven home by a friend who has opted out of motherhood citing current state of the world (environment, Virginia Tech etc) and that no one seems to give a damn. Bit harsh I would say but then the proof of the pudding is in the eating so i decided to scour the local rag sheet(s) for evidence of stagnant intelligence and increasing population (therefore declining per capita intelligence).

Before I dive into the said rag sheet(s), I must point out that my breakfast reading was The Hindu (Which is a misnomer - this is a left wing newspaper) till they started developing a hard core male bias. That I could tolerate just to get the local flavour but bad news, bad ideas and bad English was a bit much hence shifted to the Times of India which is low involvement and, as I discovered, caters largely to the burger toting youth. However, the lack of editorial talent is the source of much merriment and they do stock updated news on the happenings in the city (read Sale in malls and Movie changes) so it stays, for the time being.

The first thing which caught my eye was the pg 4ish health advice "Who says you need sleep"! Really?? you don't? so not just man, apparently all fauna which slumps into this semi-comatosed state on a regular basis, have been wasting their time for, say, a few billion years! So by that logic, evolution is about a billion plus years behind.. Quoting the honourable Daniel F Ripke PhD, they suggest its safe to sleep 5 hrs daily. Naturally the National Sleep foundation challenged the results to which the editor must have replied - "Lazy Bastards" or some such unprintables.

Such information is possibly of academic interest but the gem comes from yesterday's sheet - how best to clean piano keys! Now this being India and extrapolating 5in a million people own pianos, exactly why is this topic there at all?? Ran out of issues / ideas? and to add insult to i jury, this technically complex article advises - don't use furniture polish on piano keys, use a feather duster and wipe moisture with dry cloth.. I think this reporter has been around furniture polish too long!

Turning a page and we have "personal advice" - which loosely refers to M4W kind of advice.

Pointers for calling up your date

They insist on short conversations just to convey to the other person that one leads a full and fulfilling life (however pathetic it might be). I agree and unless one own some telecoms stock, no point in making the bloody pirates any ticher. Also telling the babe / bloke / assorted canine "Lets Meet 8 Pm Blood Diamond" would qualify one to a telegraph operators job, not a date.

He who has the last laugh... this is rich. The suggestion is that you part with a smile and a funny story / joke which is well thought out. Even if you have no storytelling talent whatsoever?? Ever heard of a simple bye, compliment or "speak soon" ? Trust me, it works wonders - be refreshing for a change instead of launching into "Hey, heard the one about the two Irishmen who went to........"

Last but not the least, one is advised to not chit-chat, but to have a purpose to the call.. .. presumably one must meet every wackjob that comes ones way from Myspace / Orkut / demented friends?? Chitchat IS the way to figure out (to an extent) the counterparty's safety rating!

This, however begs the question, if s/he is your date, exactly why would you need to go through all this while calling them up? As the concept of virtual dating hasnt quite caught on (with due respect to Lady Chatterjee), the date is a date when the date has agreed to date - the word "date" in "dating" should be a hint .. apparently not to ToI.

Paying her a compliment

Pay "her" a compliment indirectly i.e. compliment her ear rings/belt instead of her body or general demeanor (i.e. Babe you are looking ravishing as usual). Right - please stop at that and DO NOT get into discussions about things feminine such as face paint, or colours . .this will get you into serious trouble as a) lets face it, as men we are fairly clueless about these matters and best stick to time tested ways and b) attention to that much detail will make you her friend (as in a girlfriend) with scope for doubts about your preferences. This could have fringe benefits but that discussion is for another day.....

and last but not the least..

Playing hard to get

This article is rubbish, the way I see it, first look at your strengths (and dude, if you think that refers to 100lbs bench presses, you are screwed - metaphorically only). Playing hard to get is a 2way street, keeps things interesting and there is the Freudian thrill of the chase (if one has the time). However, beware of the ADHD (Attention deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - usually associated with men) playing too hard to get can backfire....

The very same page also has profile of The Good Wife who says happiness shouldn't be skin deep..and goes on to list among her favourite things:

Car - Lexus RX SUV (yes the thing churns out 270 bhp and guzzles 7 kms per liter..under test conditions in the US), lovely - plus dropping the pups to school should be a breeze, cant say the same for other's pups at the said school who just happen to disappear below the bonnet-obstructed-field-of-vision while crossing....
Favourite Destination: Rajasthan and Italy, she loves Venice and presumably all of rajasthan (either that or her Geog. teacher must have been really glad to be rid of her).

Qualities of a good wife indeed.......

But, there is such a thing as natural justice..as the aforesaid seal cullers found out... perhaps there might come a time when the Times of India reporters might have to swallow their own advice and The Good Wife might have to use one of her own cars......

technorati tags:society, dating, date, girlfriend, advice, lexus, carbonfootprint

Blogged with Flock

2007-04-14T14:19:00.000+05:30

Holy Trinity! The only truth in life is .... shunya!

(or Zero..no this refers to the philosophical symbolism of the mathematical term.. not some Mexican folk hero)

<= Sunrise from the Campsite

my latest fascination with environment development is solar energy (hence the logo on the right). However, this is about the last day of the trip so we continue... the campsite cleanup left a lot to be environmentally desired.. and no - burning plastic is a very BAD idea. You do NOT dump used jam cups into the fire. You also take back whatever trash you brought with yourself!! Chopping wood is OK (it will grow back again), burning dead trees is also OK. Cutting down entire trees is a very bad idea.

So.. we woke early (CPG a little earlier courtesy stereophonic-animal-repellent-grade-snoring), had the leftover food (bread buns chikki etc) and set off for the peak with CPG left to tidy up the campsite. With the sun in our face, wind in our hair (and for some leach in our boots - this is why morning ablutions and trekking dont mix! Bad breath is preferable to involuntary blood donation!)! The way up was lovely and cool - two people were worse of for the wear - V (regretting years of youthful indiscretions) and the Kid (regretting ... a lot). However T (The mountain goat, Savanna Gazelle, and the Impala all rolled into one) on a helping note, insisted on helping V. The leaches in the mean time were sucking the living daylights out of the Kid (literally). So the race to the top culminated with Yours truly, Muttergappa (who was "Shrieking" with delight, having spotted another "Shriek" or some such feathered bird). The day was hot and we had some right-wing blokes attempting flag hoisting (literally - it involved hoisting flag, pole et al). The views from the tip were spectacular - not great of photography, as Mutterguppa pointed out, because Indian landscapes are perpetually shrouded with haze.

Also photography and outdoors dont mix - this was refreshingly clear given last nights soaking! However, we went on to make the best of camera phone and haze ridden hills of Coorg. ... some other took the opportunity to "dry" some "freshly laundered money" - others soaked in the sun and shot some breeze.... yet others ...did nothing. The trip back was uneventful.. some of the plastic saved from the flames of eternity, was consigned to the locals - who reuse absolutely everything. Agenda for lunch was Tibetan Momos at Bylakuppe settlement - where, when asked for "vegetarian momos", the stock reply from the locals was "HA HA". However we did find veg chowmein for the one veggie in the group. That visit was uneventful, though we did learn that the locals (in this case the displaced), would be very comfortable in laddakh, why vegetarianism should be an integral part of Tibetan cuisine AND "colonise" is a positive word. Coming back to square one, where beauty is a preconceived notion, we returned to Bangalore......there is a lot more to write about but we shall let private jokes be private.

Boot note: Moral of the story - if you must stay in the enemy camp..make sure you control the Cauvery taps....or perhaps that is a preconceived notion? And we are back to Shunya...

Till next time. Be Safe and environmentally friendly...

2007-04-12T16:16:00.000+05:30

Part Duvet....The Cult of the flying Muttergappa

So after a rather nasty bit of fairly lucrative work .. We continue on our sojourn across the partly ruined hills of Coorg. Returning "home stay" in the evening, a few of our "less experienced" numbers declined further association with the automobile.. citing a desire for increasing the circulation and taking in the fresh air. So parking the car, catching 10 winks, (or till page 24 of the Kafka) and some left over coffee we decided we had enough of the town, and the women had particular objections to the lemon yellow walls and a certain lack of wildlife in the neighbourhood (no sir.. none of that domesticated cattle from the dairy for this lot!) hence a democratic meeting was called... the majority (that would be V and the Karate Kid and yours truly) to figure out an exit option.
Luckily one dude had retired and the other Kid was a bit shaken and stirred AND Cool Punit Guide (CPG) had offered his services. So after a quick inspection of the gear, the next day's plans were settled..we would goto Tandyindamol, the highest peak in Coorg (a princely height of 1700 odd meters - whats with the names..has no one heard of single digit syllables??).
Provisions were needed and we hit the first English speaking shop to avoid losses in translation... the purchase included food, mosquito coil, repellent, water and a couple of bedsheets - third party linen being unpalatable. The dinner was a fiasco - this restaurant we went to obviously hadn't heard of the famed Coorg hospitality.. promptly locked the restaurant from the inside (and worse they had a bar with no bar stools). so we beat an un hasty retreat to a place called Atithi which dishes out South Indian versions of north Indian food - spicy and palatable. Plus they are open late. So after the dinner and a round or two of ice cream, we retired for the night. Morning saw a sugar dash (a dash for sugar for the coffee) accompanied by a running commentary on the local fauna subset ornithology by you-know-who. However, the heat kicking in we dived into a sumptuous breakfast of bread, eggs and coffee. In a couple of hours. CPG dropped the Bomb... his dirt bike had poor mileage so he would like to accompany us in the Korean Sub-compact.
Now Koreans are people of a somewhat slight build and being a rich country, they build cars to seat 4..this one had to fit in 6 Indians of varying girth. However, conservatism triumphed (much to the relief of some of the others) and The Kid decided to take up v's offer of a lap in the front seat.. occasionally ducking to watch out for the cops..(this is what I don't understand.. it is OK to plonk a kid on the front seat and use it as an airbag???)
However, 4 liters of fuel later we arrived at base parking and started out on the journey with flavoured lemon yellow rice sprinkled with peanuts (for lunch that is).

Now that was a lunch with a view... old rain forest, birds chirping (and a couple of lovebirds into a decidedly heated argument about nesting material - fortunately one was armed to the teeth and promised great entertainment).

Too much food took its toll and we restarted the climb to base camp. .. on a rather slow note. At some point someone swore and as expected the higher powers took offence and blesses us with a deluge.. soaking followed.. clothes, sleeping bags, food, and worse of all..matches. Eventually the downpour slowed (or so we thought ...ha ha) and the subsequent walk to the base camp (Rock + stream) was on the open hillside i.e. sans trees, and the rain felt like someone was driving very cold pins into your face! However, the rain finally stopped and we did reach the camp site..while CPG went about the business of campsites (did I mention this was a luxurious trip), we busied ourselves with the task at hand - drying clothes and matches, not necessarily in that order. Several rounds of firewood collection happened, some fallen tree branches, some chopped dead trees. The matches were a write off and CPG dashed off some 8kms to organise some extra fuel and matchboxes.
While the young CPG was away (after having disposed off a rather poisonous spider), we all clambered atop THE rock and what do we spot what the Karate Kid described as a "Muttergappas" or that's what it sounded like. The Muttergappa in question was an 8 inch, jet black, aggressive looking and rather beautiful (in a very armament sort of way..like you would find an AK47 beautiful while staring down the business end of the gun) scorpion. While all were fascinated by the MG, no one really wanted to tackle the bloke (or babe..were too far to figure out.. even Karate Kid's intimate knowledge of mother nature wasn't of help in countering this particular menace)!! So we did the ostrich..if we ignore it...maybe it will go away.. However, CPG returned, wood was piled and with a healthy helping of old newspaper and blue dye kerosene and usual tips from expert campers, we had a roaring fire going..man in that damp t-shirt, it felt sooo good!
At this point I discovered the leach..little bugger, growing fat on unsolicited feeding. However CPG to the rescue, nearly cost me a shoe and a foot after the lit match neatly dropped into my Adidas! Having settled that, the Dinner was sumptuous, campfire grilled chicken with lime, roasted potatoes, and for the city slickers, cheese spread, jam, bun, grape and oranges.
Like I said this was a luxurious trip.. and the luxury continued with an impromptu massage session by CPG.. who promptly declared everyone was tense and needed a massage (no one complained - though as return favour, karate kid - having been renamed Muttergappa, offered an exhibition match which The CPG hummed and hawed away). However, after a community sox drying session (this involves a bamboo reed broken 2/3rd of the way through, sox are dangled on this and plonked in front of the camp fire, held aloft by two people...photos will follow)..and having demolished the last of the potatoes, the women retired to the green tent (actually made a feverish dash for it lest they not get appropriate place... ha ha .. it leaked...through the night) and the men retired to the blue tent (which was naturally ventilated ...from the top!!). The night was uneventful ..the real mutterguppa having departed to some other rock. THe same cannot be said for CPG. Apparently the stereophonic snoring emanating from the green tent (this would be the Kid and the Muttergappa) scared the living day lights out of him and poor man was up at 4 in the morning! At which point the Muttergappa decided to do what mutter gappas do in the morning... with a bottle of CPG's home filtered water no less... I did say this was a luxurious excursion :-)

additions and edits to follow...... peace!

2007-04-09T18:36:00.000+05:30

Manga and the Adventures of Karate Kid!

Day 1

“So much to do and so little time............this is a preconceived notion”

The adventure started off with a near total desire to escape the dreaded techno polis (sic) that is the Garden city. And Escape we did.to the clean mountain air of Coorg - some 256kms away in the Western Ghats, close to the Kerala border. As Whinny and Thongi had offered their pad so we may leave at the earliest (4 am no less), Karate Kid [who is one of those classic over achievers, lands up early and has crashed by 10:30pm: Karate Kid’s other talents include astronomy (in Kannada and English), Ornithology (again Kannada and English) – and bird calls (English and Kannada???), an MBA and an Engineer (ok so everyone is allowed one fault)] + yours truly decided to accept their kind offer (which I assumed included beer – I wasn’t disappointed).

The Kid [this one is different from the karate kid in a few aspects: has absolutely no knowledge of Ornithology or Astrology, cannot chop to save her life (karate or otherwise… for empirical proof see said Kids kitchen, and isn’t either an MBA or an Engineer – this is the saving grace) declined the bed and beer, citing employment related exhaustion and would rather rise at 2:45 am, flag a cab and surface before 4 AM (Surprise! Surprise! She actually made it on time …this could be the start of something new!).

The destination was a Coorgi (Kodagu) town of Madikeri where one Viju K had promised us a flat / house: Distance 256kms (151 miles). The journey started off uneventfully.. usual discussions about which route to take out of the city, what are the new roads, and how some village folk were making the best of the new highway, by wearing dark clothes and usurping lane 1.5…..on foot. But these travails of highway driving faded into insignificance when someone mentioned a lovely song by one Baba Sehgal [also an engineer] – that prompted Karate Kid to quietly disclose her actual qualifications: 1^st Degree Black Belt Karate + Green Belt Taekwando and the conversation quickly shifted to THE most important topic… Food. However, the denizens of the fair state of Karnataka are leisure minded folk and there was nary a cook or shop open at 6:30 am…having not packed any food (notwithstanding the pre-departure double box of Oreo’s that Karate Kid and Kid demolished), the situation looked bleak with Karate Kid assuring us that the restaurants open at this hour (near the my-sore bus stand) served dribble fit for consumption only by foreigners (read anyone unable to distinguish between "la" andÚÆÇæ).

But, no fear. We had the keen foodie nose of The Thongi (also to man behind the wheel at this point).. and after a short misguided tour of my-sore we landed up at Dasaprakasha (this could mean 10 enlightenments or ten lights but Karate Kid assures me its otherwise). The hungry troops attacked the food with ferocity normally associated with the 12^th Century Mongol hordes… and after Several Masala Dosa, a few Pesti-Colas and some 10,000 calories later we set off again.

The rest of the journey was also uneventful till (a few kilometres outside my-sore) Karate Kid happened to mention that beauty is a preconceived notion. This philosophy assumes that at the fundamental level, we human beings, particularly those whose minds have been poisoned by the corrupt western media, do not have a mind of ones own… [Antithesis?? How can you have a poisoned mind if its not your own .. conversely, if it is poisoned…its one else’s mind so why do you care? – FFT (Food For thought)]. Corollary – it’s in your genes, you were screwed the day you were born (there is something wrong with the order of this sentence).

Several people took turns to Drive (VTZ), Karate Kid was disqualified, having thrown a scare into a truck driver at a previous occasion (upset truckers are not good company) and The Kid simply didn’t have the required knowledge of the gearshift (or other controls for that matter) .. so three drivers, with various configurations …finally reached Madikeri and Mr.Viju, kindly directed us to our “Home Stay” (technically this was a flat), behind the dairy, next to Teachers training college… Pre Conceived Notions struck again.. and the present company objected to a) Lemon Yellow walls (preconceived notion?) and b) this place was in what looked like a construction zone (joys of development).

However, after a sumptuous lunch (2 Pesti-colas, a mutton Biryani, lamb curry, chicken curry, 8 tandoori rotis’, raita, etc etc) and in a sufficiently better mood, the troupe set out for some Elephant gazing at the Dubare Elephant Camp (the Karnataka Forest Dept has some 150 odd pachyderms ..some of which are located here.. they are generally used in maintaining the forest and associated resources, including the tourist rupee). Thongi’s rather splendid rafting Idea was shot down by the Kids, with one feigning hydrophobia (literally speaking - The Kid assures me she has never been bitten and therefore isn’t shy (once bitten etc etc..) not counting men, who she includes in the general definition of a rabid canine) and the Karate Kid who said something to the effect “no no”.

Having democratically decided on a “Jally Ride”, we took a boat trip around the pond where the high point was the Monks washing clothes on the riverbank and the boat scraping submerged rocks. We did see one (and a half?) young elephant and a fox. Other than that, the closest we came to elephants was 2 piles of pachyderm poo and a board which listed the camp occupants name age sex and serial number. Apparently a forest fire was raging in the distant and these fellows had been called in to tend to it.

After a spot of Pesti-cola, we raced (this can only be defined as a 35kms race as V behind the wheel seem to have some inexplicable need for speed)… sleep deprivation having caught up, I dozed while the Kids shrieked at every turn, car, truck, speed breaker, cow and goat…. this apparently did not have the desired effect and V decided (much to my delight) to introduce to by now the rather audible females to the joys of Project Gotham Racing 3….in the hills of Coorg. What adrenalin rush!

… To be continued/edited

Drinkers Welfare Association

2007-03-17T11:24:00.001+05:30

Kerala booze lovers 'high' & mighty : kerala, alcohol, All Kerala Drinkers' Welfare Association : IBNLive.com : CNN-IBN

Kerala (a state in India), it would seem consumes a staggering 8.3 liters of booze, per person, per year. Dosent seem much? after all that translates to 700 ml per month. We could all do that couldn't we? 11.5 large pegs.. that translates to 3 large ones a week... not too bad. Well, here's the kicker: that "per capita" includes everyone - women, children etc. Lets look at the numbers again:

Men: Women ratio - men 48% women 52%

Children Under the age of 14 - 42%

Assuming that everyone else drinks..and you do the numbers again - it works out to approximately 28 liters of booze consumed per adult male per year! every man jack mallu,
drinks a staggering 2.2 liters per month!! or 2 LARGE drinks a day - regularly - including Sundays and religious holidays!

No wonder they have come up with this amazing concept of a "Drinkers Welfare Association"...whose objectives are to provide ordinary folk with a venue where they can get and enjoy their evening drink(s) without fear of molestation. Ironically, the government's biggest source of revenue is alcohol, kerala tops the country in suicides and has the highest literacy rate in the country.

Now I am for a tipple every now and then and personally inclined towards malts (mostly single - no pun intended). I would like nothing better than a quiet place for an evening snifter every now and kerala (notwithstanding the weather) is an ideal place... but lets find better uses of ethanol - like burning it in peoples cars. We save a few billion on oil imports, we save a few more billion from health care costs, and we save yet more billions increased productivity (yes - 6 of those 7 hangovers are on work time)! Notwithstanding the Segrams "Drink Responsibly" campaign, lets empty a few bottles into our fuel tanks....

And to close .. Hic! Hic! Hooray!...... or not?

technorati tags:booze, mallu, kerala, alcoholic

Blogged with Flock

2007-02-23T19:09:00.001+05:30

best-of-craigslist

Here we go again -this "blog" is not original, I dont write original stuff and have no intention of doing so in the future. This is also not a fictional account of anything and because most of the material is sourced from different places on the net, I would classify this blog as "non-fiction" i.e. it talks about real stupidities, events or anything in that I happen to disagree with in general.

Having set the right expectations, lets us continue on this joyous exploration of second hand "gyan" (for non-Indians - this loosely translates to knowledge, not to be confused with academic bilge). When one is bored in life life questions crop up e.g. why does the world exist, what is the purpose of life, why am I single (or not as the case may be), oohh... how do I get my hands on that rare print of Tennyson's sonnets / Xbox360 / that hot dentist's assistant (not necessarily in that order). and this quest for "gyan" takes one to the distant corners of the internet... mainly the San Fransisco version of Craigslist.. where all of life's questions are answered (Except for THE question for which one has to refer to Douglas Adams). And I do mean all life questions are answered there. For instance..

Lets say you are involved with a supre manipulative (bitch/jerk), and you would really like to beat them at their own game... here is an inspirational story ..Vasectomy: $400; Speechless look on her face: priceless
Recent break up, cant move on? Having trouble not thinking about the (bitch/jerk)? One individual offers.. .........................................................No1. Post daily missives, alternating between maudlin, yet not entirely hopeless, pleas for reunion in Missed Connections, and scathing, wrathful inditements of the other person's character on Rants and Raves when plaintive Missed Connections posts are ignored. If your daily Craigslist ritual seems to be further deepening the chasm of your agony, create a list of tips for others who may also be struggling with the demons of misguided internet therapy. Rest here if you are in the said boat
Ever wanted to simply have casual sex.. ended up gifting chocolate / Single Malt...and totally screwed up a happy happy situation? Wanted SWNS and ended up with NSAS? Listed under Casual Definitions Of Casual Sex, is a user's guide to managing expectations (yours mostly) when you get lucky!
Got screwed by the ex? alimony / that lovely CD collection went with her / even the dog deserted you? and all you are left with is the overpriced ring? One dude is willing to make it all better by exchanging the said ring for a grand worth of booze plus miniature's stand! there is always a buyer .. so long as the price is right!!
You are a guy.. have a social life that sucks (read none at all), want a girlfriend, want to advertise, dont know what not to put in.. here's help: 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w. If you dont know what the abbreviations mean.. look it up on the net you skiver.
And for the women..... Some friendly w4m advice

Fascinating. However, though a bit late, must warn you that most of the content is totally inappropriate and certainly rated NSFW. If you get sacked for reading this at work - its your fault.. earn your keep. If you find some useful advice on these columns - good for you. and Please please .. as a matter of courtesy to the rest of us - try to develop a sense of humour. It just might make you a marginally interesting person (Kav. are you listening??). I have a bachelor party to attend so am off to get smashed. So should you - party or not. Single women without company for the weekend, give me a call....

technorati tags:craigslist, advice, w4m, women, hot, babes, sex

Blogged with Flock

Road Menace?

2007-02-20T18:12:00.001+05:30

Woman plummets onto subway tracks while carelessly texting - Engadget

The joys and the foolishness associated with speed is normally left to the youth of today as young Mr.Jeremy Parrott, 37, of Somerset,has amply demonstrated. He, according to the boys in blue, mounted acamera on his helmet and zipped through reasonably populated areas,including some school (no doubt encouraged by a bunch of screaming teenagers from the same school?) at over 100 mph (which is over 160 kmph to the rest of the metric world - more than the top speed on some cars!!). The camera recorded the route (a blur), occasionally switching to the speedometerto record the speed as we... particularly useful on youtube! The action sequence starts and ends at young Jeremy Parrott's residence (duly incorporating the license plate of the hydrocarbon guzzler in the driveway) and then gets posted on YouTube.....Brilliant! and given the mountain of evidence in the public domain...Jeremy Parrott, 37, of Somerset, wont be seen on top of or near a two wheeler in theforseeable future. However, no harm done - bike run (thrilling),recorded it (stupidity), posted it on Youtube (borders on certifiable lunacy). However, Jeremy Parrott, 37, of Somerset, is not the biggest threat to the populace at large for if one wishes to avoid Parrott, one merely needs to avoid Somerset and anything in the 100 mile radius.

The bigger problem is the mobile phone wielding multitude of lunatics plaguing every second of the day.. take example of this youngish lady who, thankfully not behind the wheel, nevertheless tumbles onto the tracks, in the path ofan oncoming commuter train - and no..she wasn't depressed or suicidal..she was merely sending a text (SMS) message!! Really?? andshe didn't notice the train, the platform or when nthe platform vanishes to make place for the train??? While the said bird survived the high stakes "text" otherwise known as modern day russion roulette [courtesy good brakes on the oncoming train and a rather speedy subway worker], sincerely hope it scared the living daylights out of her...which is more than can be said about the drifters I encounter at the local park on my evening runs.

These "drifters", armed with mobiles + spare extra lifebatteries - as oblivious to oncoming traffic (yours truly) as the train-text bird - are a mortal track hazard. Here is why;

Oncoming Traffic [travelling straight]

Drifter [Drifting right - mobile phone being glued to right ear]

Oncoming Traffic [Startled - Jumps left at 12kph]

Drifter[swiftly re-manoeuvring self and mobile to intercept the jump accompanied by a mobile conversation which always starts with ".....and you know what he said (interspersed with giggle/sob on alternate days).... what am I going to tell (him/her/my mom).....]

Oncoming traffic [petrified as the drifter in all her pear shaped glory, fills the field of vision, (somewhat like Alonso slamming the brakes when Sato is right behind)- jumps off the track..goes up the "grassy knoll" and, suitably unnerved, heads straight for the pharmacy]

(the same scenario can be recreated on a road with said participants inside of cars - citeris paribus)

note: clearly established link between mobile phones and tranquilizer abuse!

Notwithstanding my particular predicament, this explains why men like Bikes and, more importantly, trains .. and why......... ;-)

technorati tags:Mobile, women, trains, run

Blogged with Flock

2007-02-13T11:09:00.000+05:30

Bandh!
For those not in the know, or people not of Indian origin - loosely translated this translates to a general strike! and how!! In the Indian context this translates to a complete shut down of all except essential services - which for some unfathomable reason does not include education or groceries - the strikers could really do with a healthy dose of the former... these things tend to be reasonably disruptive - forced holiday, relax at home with friend(s), family or dog (or anything else that you many fancy); catch up on your favourite idiot box junk; organise your bills (are you listening K); or catch up on movies (Casino Royal isn't really a bond movie - the Peter Sellers version was better - and Jude Law has done a terrific job in All the Kings Men, must read the book - Karma Cola {Gita Mehta} and Over to you {Roald Dhal} are recommended) which you may have missed in the theater, sports (see pic on right)... why, you would ask, cant one do all this on a regular holiday? because, my dear, then you can actually step out of the house AND have a life!
However, we are being unnecessarily harsh - this protest was about water and a river (Orwellian scenario to the boot) and it gave people of the former garden city, an opportunity to use the said water for the joyous cleansing of their hydrocarbon guzzlers, patches of green, and assorted pots and pans - lest it be misused by the neighbouring states for... well...the joyous cleansing of their hydrocarb...........
But lets not belittle the bandh's - not only do they provide a calm and peaceful environment to relax (in a bustling city), they contribute to the environment as well! Firstly there is no traffic - that itself should give the city (and Citizens) of Blr a few million carbon credits! Then there are no trains running (which is a few million more credits!) and then the icing on the cake - no air traffic (the carbon footprint of that must have shrunk to the size of my footprint!!!!). Then there are no tree choppers (really would you like to bee seen in public, with an axe (or a chain saw), facing a rampaging mob!?!?) - the strikers torch the most inflammable things, cars, buses and bikes - are strikes a possible solution to the traffic woes? All in all the cities save money (no dirt on streets), the cops get disciplined (no bribes on strike days), roads are used for what they are built for.....cricket!
So all in all a great deal for more sublime objectives ... why you would want to shut down your own businesses because someone else usurped your water is another story...

Footnote: All you girls out there (particularly SC, KV, SB(x 2) and NL) - Blood Diamond is highly recommended! And you blokes - take the little lady to the flick before valentines (On valentines pls. see at your own mortal peril). Good story line, excellent acting, brilliant cinematography and the locales are great - leonardo, Djimon Hounsou (of Lara Croft, Galdiator and Stargate fame) and Jennifer Connelly (of Hulk, Beautiful Mind and Dark City/Water fame) were all excellent. The movie prompted the Diamond Industry (or rather De Beers) to launch a $15 million PR exercise (or more like damage control)..

2007-01-26T19:16:00.000+05:30

Know the biggest problem with people these days? They take themselves too seriously. Take for example this individual whose idea of a perfect "bloke" is "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot (hot being generic and beauty lies in the.................) who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat (that's what you think), ....................Wait ..........who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats (and why not - women look hot exercising), .....................thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on (this is a good one).............................One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you (more like he is trying to convince himself).. The one who turns to his friends and says,' that's her' (there is a good reason he is not introducing them!). " Now I am not the one to burst her bubble but darling wake up and smell the coffee!
Now a local rag sheet -or rather a tabloid part of the rag sheet has devoted a page to improving women's understanding of men - which is why it is unique and therefore deserving of our interest. Looks like thay ran short of advertisements (ranging from Kuttavilaku paintings to digicam+telescope offers (??). The first one is about stalking partners - they devote several paras to it and I say put on "Every Breath you take..." by police. If the counterparty likes the song - dump them, their taste in music is unlikely to improve. If you like the song, see your shrink before the boys in blue come calling.
The second one is about closure - which for men is 2 bottl.... - no use crying over spilt milk particularly when it has gone sour. Get up, dust yourself and.... give up reading Times of India (the said rag sheet)

The most interesting bit was about "How to let him know you are interested..." .. which begs the question - since when has this been a problem? First, they suggest, is lots of hints and clues .. really (?) whatever happened to playing hard to get and assorted other games?
Next - whisper in the ear. Presumably this is after several productive meetings ?? They go onto suggest that "women" must not stick close to other women because "men do not want to interrupt" and will not "mistook your intentions if you are with the crowd". Now that is just bad English. Also approaching several women together requires mass marketing skills which one may not be well endowed...
and here on it gets really good - "be nice to someone else when he comes up to you" .. er.. why not to the poor bloke - the unapparent object of current affection?

Bloke: Nice Party
babe: [to bartender] What lovely cocktails you make dear.
Bloke: [thinking] next...

Last but not the least - look-over-shoulder-and-smile routine guarantees surefire success in hooking man. However classy (and 1950's hollywood) this sounds, please avoid this particular manoeuvre while drinking (or driving) - both will result in unfortunate crashes involving large quantities of glass.

Frankly, the man (or woman) who's written this has lost the plot a bit ....... best way (a) to interest a guy is to thae interest in his interest. And (b) the best way to get a woman interested is to find the woman from (a).

Cheers all.. see you on the other side of "Blood Diamond"

2007-01-16T19:18:00.000+05:30

Happy New Year! Well.. its a bit late for that but then I have been hibernating - cannot say the same for the Bears in the Western world where hydrocarbon guzzlers have ensured that these poor creatures have been denied their beauty winter sleep! However that discussion is for another site I plan to set up.
This year I have been feeling fairly benign and feeling a bit charitable towards my fellow human beings (mostly women). Alcohol is the joy of parties (and blind dates) - not only does it alleviate the pain brought about by an overbearing lout (who insists on dispensing advice on "teraflops" just when the sumptuous blond is beginning to look interested!), it is extremely useful in finding oneself some some extremely attractive companionship (break the ice, increased tolerance of all kinds, and most importantly the beer bus). To qualify alcohol as a necessary evil is an understatement - it is the nectar of the ... well... most evenings. However, such strategies are fraught with untold perils (for those who havent been following this chain of though.. click here) - not only can it lead to ackward moments (recoil with horror the next morning having bedded ET - blame beer goggles ), it can lead to the second-biggest bane of the drinking classes - a hangover (Work being the ultimate curse of the drinking classes). How dose one prevent / cure a hangover? Well here are a few useful tips:

Dont drink (ha ha ha ha ha...)
Dont drink yourself silly (ROTFL - where is the pont in drinking responsibly! There is a good reason why a Booze company has that as a logo!!)
Drink a liter of water when you get home (Precludes when taking the Beer Cab)
Drink a liter of water after you get up (Precludes having taken the Beer Cab)
As suggested by a lunatic health reporter ... exercise, ostensibly to increase blood flow to the brain. Balancing while walking, running, pumping iron (or most likely stumbling) is optional!
Sleep it off - preferably after getting rid of ET
Coffee - avoidable, it will give you more acidity and deprive you of sleep, antacids will reduce acidity but do nothing about the headache, asprin will cure the headache but do nothing (at best) about the acidity... possible solution: all of the ......
Food! Preferably raw greens and fruit - cut into 1 cm cubes, sprinkled with "Chaat Masala" and red chilly powder (Hit your local "Indian" corner shop - easily available and great with or after booze).
Drink dilute sports drinks (read: not drinking as a sport)!
Official (Government) recommendation is Bullion soup to replace "lost potassium". The same site also states "....even if you feel good the morning after heavy drinking, your ability to perform at your best will be diminished due to the residual effects of alcohol". Really..and here I was considering a double trapeeze act early sunday morning.

Moral of the story: keep a bottle of water handy by the bedside (preferably replinished every few days - the green stuff cannot be good for you); Drinking is unavoidable (why you would want to avoid it is another story); and dont believe the government when it comes to drinking (or anything else for that matter!).

Cheers all! I am off for my evening tipple...

2006-12-20T16:13:00.000+05:30

Luck, as they say is a matter of default not Design (Not related to the Intelligent Design (sic) which can be found here ). But then there are those who, while wallowing in apparent misery, seem to have it all. So lets see what is the root cause of misery - lack of health, wealth, happiness (usually attributed to the semi-permanent significant other) and consequently prosperity.

One way would be blatant promiscuity leading to new, albeit temporary, depths of despair brought about by a rather agitated said significant other (which would result in 2 days of self destruction and a few bottles of Seagram's finest for men.... a week of open floodgates and a "bin"fire of photos/letters for women). Now that sounds like serious grief..not to mention loss of pay and a possibly inflated therapy bills. How nice would it be to have you cake and eat it "two" ;-). For one you need to move to the UK (they are fairly accepting of the human nature to be promiscuous), more specifically Suffolk where one Stephen Tame resides. His good fortune started with a fall while working on a Bicycle store site. The resultant knock on the head put him in a coma for 2 months post which he turned promiscuous, bedding local hookers (in the finest tradition first promotedby the American Army) like it was going out of style soon and possibly making it to Sex.com "gold" clients list. As expected the little lady took it hard and gave him the boot and the prodigal turned to the last refuge of the immoral - the courts, who, recognising his "ailment" being a direct result of occupational accident, promptly awarded him $5,890,000/- (or £ 3,000,000/- or Rs.55,91,60,000).

So lets recap: the dude bangs his head, then bangs half the town, then blows the family fortune on porn and gets paid millions for his troubles, and on the way looses a spouse! Lovely.. One question: What's the icing and which is the cake?

2006-12-16T13:51:00.000+05:30

My Idea of The Perfect Woman

Well not mine really.... putting out stuff like this is likely to prove suicidal at some future date - haunting past and all that..However, here's a weekend compilation of opinions:

To open the argument .. the perfect woman according to the Irish..

She can drive a diesel Ford Transit van around the old 13 mile Nurburgring in 10 mins 8 secs, she was ripping past Porsches and motorbikes like it was going out of style. As a comparison the host went around in an S type Jag diesel in 9.59. She is an attractive blonde who can drive like the wind, what more could you want in a woman?
Mate, get a grip, she was trying to get away from you!

Whereas Red Bailey says: Awww come on guys, we all know the perfect woman is a deaf-mute with a very short-term memory who looks like Marilyn Monroe......
To which Vpatrick adds.. "Who Never gets a Headache"
yes.. cerebral ailment is is bummer.......

The calssic one: Blonde, Big Breasted, Deaf and Dumb, Nymphomaniac who owns a pub near a racecourse.
If wishes were horses...........

However, at a more fundamental level, there is an animated discussion regarding the very existence of the perfect woman:

Using the Santa Clause, Prefect Man and Perfect Woman argument, for an interactive version look at this site, amply illustrating how driving skills and perfection are related.

The contrary opinion is presented by the kind volunteers at Uncyclopedia in whose esteemed opinion

"The first recorded stories of a perfect woman date from around 8,000,000,000 BC (give or take a couple million years. Though in this early age, she is merely referred to as a mythological creature. There are no recorded sightings of a perfect woman. Over the years the concept begins to change into more of a legend, a creature of which only one single specimen exists. Though the idea of a woman may very well have started out as a fantasy, the common consensus amongst scientists is that she may very well exist or have existed, or even may still be to exist in the future"

John Succinctly sums it up...
"Perfect Woman" : Oxymoron

In Other news: A scientist has a nagging feeling he has left the 9 million volt particle accelerator running..

Brickbats and Beers at the usual place.... Have a great weekend!

2006-12-14T17:29:00.000+05:30

Auto Strike ... Yeah!

Bangalore breathed easy today as the Auto rickshaws went on strike. Not having to deal with them while on foot or in any other hydrocarbon guzzling contraption was a relief.. but I was curious as to why they were on strike and The Hindu, South India's left leaning broadsheet had this to say:

The main grouse of local auto rickshaw drivers is the recent inclusion of eight clauses in Vehicle Permit Conditions by the Regional Transport Authority (RTA), Bangalore.

These conditions include parking at designated places in a queue; (yes..the right lane is for driving, not haggling with passengers)
taking the shortest route; (Preferably not via Goa)
refraining from taking a third-party; (really the drivers seat was designed for one only!)
not demanding excess fare; (I really don't want to sign over my inheritance to reach home)
using only the recommended fuel or LPG kit;
updating address in RC books within 30 days
changing ownership records within 14 days
not refusing to ply without "valid reasons."

Not only that, the intelligent souls are also opposed to the recently introduced (dedicated) lane-system for auto rickshaws.
right........obviously not the brightest crayons in the pack...

The protest was against the introduction of "new" laws which begs the question..did they think they were legally allowed to "take the longest possible route" and "demand excess fare"??

Welcome to the Idiotic Transportation capital of India!

Footnote: I'd love to get my hands on whatever the auto walla's have been smoking!

2006-12-13T16:10:00.000+05:30

And just when you thought it couldn't get better..... it does.

This time from North Carolina ... "Officials dismissed a murder charge Tuesday against a sheriff's deputy accused of shooting and killing an unarmed teenager who authorities believed had stolen video game consoles.A grand jury foreman said he had checked the wrong box on the indictment paperwork, triggering the dismissal." and, presumably, the check box instructed all and sundry to switch off their brains as well.....

Also Reuters has unveiled Reuters NewsScope service which makes news items machine readable, allowing automatic trading of stocks etc. based on the news content (supposedly putting overpaid traders out of business). Earlier Thomson financial had revealed a system which uses live trading data to create automatic news stories (putting Reuters reporters like Mr. Doyle out of business, which is necessarily a good thing). Wouldn't it be interesting to merge the two and watch the ensuing fun.....

On an unrelated note, Reuters idea of motivating employees is to show them Apollo 13 clips.

I am beginning to loose faith in the whole Intelligent Design theory, there being complete lack of intelligence in the "design". Henceforth I shall subscribe to the Church of the flying Spaghetti Monster............(with due regrets to the Kansas School Board).

2006-12-12T18:14:00.000+05:30

"Intelligence is finite"

Corollary - and the population is rising.

Common sense seems to be uncommon too! Re:recent case of opposition to introduction of compulsory helmets for 2 wheeler riders in Blr. Apparently after 4 false starts, the government (Chief Minister no less - though what business the CM has wasting time on traffic laws is beyond me; ostensibly idiots cracking their skulls on pristine Blr sidewalks more important than chikungunya) decided to cut its health care bill in half by introducing the helmet bill - there were protests and the reasons ... in order of importance:

Its too hot to wear a helmet (perhaps you prefer a hole in your head - looks well ventilated anyway )
It impairs hearing!! really??!? Much like all car drivers cant hear a thing when they roll up their windows! Exactly which part of traffic noise do you miss? It might be a good idea to rely on your sense of sight and look over your shoulder (or side view mirrors if you are intelligent enough to posses a pair) BEFORE you swerve!
Women: Spoils the hairstyle - really? and presumably the diesel soot belching from assorted trucks / autos is a great conditioner? Also great for the face?? gives it a sexy black sheen...
Men: Helmets cause hair loss. I agree with this one. all helmets come fitted with part velcro fasteners on the inside which keep helmets fixed to the head and on removal rip out tufts. Also soot (preferably benzene and arsenic flavoured) is a great hair rejuvinator.

Then there is young Master Rae Rae, all of 16 years old, had a drink too many (in his case a drink is too many), drove a car, crashed it into a lamp post and injured among others his sister. Goes on national radio and says "I would do it again but with no-one in the car besides me. I would drink and drive again with just me in the car," and "Too much to drink for me to be behind the wheel." which was only 180 kph in a 50 km zone!! His mother, yes the parent to the injured daughter, also the booze supplier in this case, says

"Every time I told him not to drink too much but he don't listen. He ignore it," and

"I don't blame him because he was working hard. He needs something to relax." (also on National Radio).
Footnote: British police has appealed to a modern day (jack) ripper to surrender; two British animal rights campaigners "clad" in bikinis made of lettuce leaves urge the people of Kazakhstan to stop eating horses; A Texas real estate agent is offering clients a free Glock pistol with every house they buy and A Texas lawmaker is aiming to allow the blind to hunt

We can only hope Darwin was right about natural selection...............

2006-12-12T18:09:00.000+05:30

Found this on Digg/YouTube.. absolutely Hilarious!!

2006-12-10T20:57:00.000+05:30

Selective Mutism

There are times in life when one gets tongue tied - classic examples being hand-in -the-cookie-jar (one can only assume you have a conscience) or when the object of your desire (a.k.a. the stalkee; you being the stalker) suddenly decides to materialise at your doorstep. There may even be a general tendency to temporarily loose speech when a rather hot member of the fair sex (or same sex - lets be absolutely politically correct) decides to ask you for directions (and Mr. / Ms. GPA 4.0 a.k.a. maths wizard(ess) turns into a blithering idiot with a voice impediment) - general conversation goes -

HB: Hi, would you know the way to XXXbar
BI: (wheeze)......... (heavy breathing).........
HB: Are you all right?
BI: Er...yes....
HB: Well do you know the way?
BI: (loosely translated)
HB: (flustered).. eh.. ahem... [exit]
BI:(kicks self + yanks out remaining hair in tufts)

Note: HB = Hot Babe BI= Blithering Idiot a.k.a. Dr.Mathematics

well you get the picture - and this is not restricted to Men - there are enough women who are prolific letter writers but cant talk to save their lives! (Sounds fantastic - sadly it is very true...).
If you suffer from involuntary lack of speech there is some good news and some bad news: the bad news is - the "illness" is debatable (as in the shrinks are still debating the classification), and therefore there is no cure. So unless someone can translate "bub-haaaaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiiiiit-theeeeeeeee", your singlehood will continue - indefinately; please look to the internet for communication.
The good news is they are working on a cure and they have progressed to naming it - Selective Mutism.
However, the million dollar question is: isnt there a cure already? I can save a lot of research institutes a lot of money as there is general consensus - vodka releases the tongue. The cure works like this:

BI: bub-haaaaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiiiiit-theeeeeeeee
HB: Vodka
BI: yes yes
HB: Another?
BI: Yes Yes
(miraculous transformatio: After 2 Vodkas BI => Dude, or at least to HB who by this time is desperately looking fro some saving grace in Dude)
HB: (breaking ice) So what do you do?
Dude (formerly BI): I would tell you but you wouldn't understand
HB: {SPLASH} {Vodka and BI face merge}
Exit HB followed by Dude (aka cured BI)

So in case you suffer from SM, take heart, cure is at hand ( I recommend Absolut Citrus).
Till later....

2006-12-06T19:55:00.000+05:30

Lost in Transylvania........................

After a brief, but well deserved break, we are back to our not -so-favourite past time... (actually its a distant fifth after women, single malt, jazz, Captain Kidds.. preferably all together). And no I was not really lost... merely mired in the peat bog of assorted things financial. But then being lost is a part of life... ups, downs and the laterals (otherwise known as doldrums).. this is the stage usually after the ups (or downs) when one is basically........lost. You know the feeling, gotten over the last breakup (2 days and a bottle later for men.... a week and a "bin"fire of photos/letters later for women) now what next? Resigned from job, gave piece of mind to Boss - what next (this should be fairly obvious.. brush up CV and start calling the head hunters you idiot); moved to new city, restricted language skills, asked auto walla to go XXX, he takes you via outer ring road, by passing the familiar "Lake Wines" - Lost!

Now I have been lost as well, for all of the reasons mentioned above, and basically decided that the solution to getting out of "being lost" was to use modern technology - a Map (tested for several centuries by land lubbers and amphibians alike). The "device" basically lets you see where you are, where you want to be, and how much deep shit you are in at the present moment. So, a while ago, I moved to a new city and got myself a map. This looked relatively slick (relative to the previous edition which looked like it had been manufactured by Khadi Gramudyog Bhavan, under license from the Uttar Predesh government, using government stationery). Subsequently a car happened and one assumed that a map would come in handy (ha ha)- considering all roads were well marked, complete with hairline arrows showing one ways. People at Eicher are lazy (they don't believe in reprinting with recent changes) and Local Cops are insane (one ways change directs several times), Cal Cops are a public health hazard (not only does the city centre change direction on one ways several times a day, at the precise switchover time, all cops are to be found catching up on their beauty sleep, inside traffic police kiosks!!).
Anyway, after following the map to get to "Point B", I suddenly found myself facing oncoming traffic.. on a one way... and one rather menacing truck bearing down on my jalopy! After a suicidal reverse and an illegal right, I beat a hasty retreat....
Strike One - don't trust the One Ways on maps.

On another occasion, folks and a foreign friend requested chauffeur-ing one bright Sunday morning ostensibly to go see a large local temple. Now normally, the width of a road on the map is directly proportional to the actual width. Obviously the bright cartographers at Eicher haven't heard of the concept so yours truly ended up in this lane with 6 inches to spare on either side of the car... then they forgot to mention that the Bridge at the end of the "wide" road was a foot bridge...Reversal being out of the question, one takes the first exit out of this shady area and ends up in the middle of several cemeteries!
Strike 2: Don't trust the maps!

(Note: One eventually reached this place after an hour or so.. .. had a rather pleasant religious experience suitably complimented by a sumptuous lunch)

So what is the alternative? Enter technology, creativity and zillions of dollars worth of military (satellite) hardware from the US Government (the same chaos which gave us the Internet) called the GPS based satellite navigation system. The concept is fairly simple (at least in theory), enter starting point, enter destination (both usually postcodes). The software gets to work and charts a route for you. Then it triangulates your position on the route using GPS satellites. As you travel, driving directions are fed through a reasonably seductive voice - telling you which turn to take, when a speed camera is in sight and if you are speeding. If you miss a turn, it recalculated the best route and gets you back on track... or so you would think!
One particular place in the UK has had a spot of trouble with these devices... motorists have been sent to this particularly steep (100 ft) cliff top prompting hourly rescues by local villagers. One fellow nearly flew off the cliff trying to reverse his way out of trouble. Which begs the question, when is it that these technophiles noticed that they were no longer driving on a road?? And when is it that they switched off their brains? Trivia: the village in question is appropriately named "Crackpot".
Ever been concerned about needing emergency care and wondering whether risking the ambulance was an option? Meet the rookie, technophiles brigade at the NHS Ambulance service. They were to transfer a "mental patient" from Ilford in East London to Brentwood in North London, a distance of 12 Miles (19 odd kms). So they get to their patients, religiously punch in the destination and off they go. After they went missing for a few hours, the dispatcher got worried and called them...apparently by this time they had ended up in Manchester (ostensibly lost), which is a little over 200 miles (320 kms) away!!!
Strike 3: Screw the maps and Satnav, its more fun getting lost without any help!

Footnote: Now you know why women cant read maps (they are useless anyway) and men dont ask for directions (where's the adventure in that)!!!!

Alternative Hypothesis

SEX - this is not about that

And now the news....

Of men and mice...

Break

More on the subject...freshly plagiarised from the net..

I'm Not Your Stalker

Week 2 be or not to be, Bathtubs and Moral Hazards

Back to the basics

Fwd: Fw: We are uneducated in many areas --------

The joys of singles...

To be or not to be...thats not really a question on Facebook!

Romancing the Credit Crunch

FBT i.e. First Business trip a the New Co.

Semi-permanent retirement

How to Quit Chocolate in One Easy Step

How to quit smoking in one easy step

Reverse Telecommuting is the only solution......

How to Succeed at work and other irrelevant suggestions....

1.How to undress for sex

Mates...

British women in their thirties want mates. They can't find any. Why? Because most eligible males are selfish, mixed-up man-boys chasing no-strings sex, says our correspondent.

SOS, Your Place (or mine) and a wireless keyboard....

Why do women get plastered at fancy dress parties?

6 Point on the license and you are 3 points down...!!!!!

Scenario 4 ...it is just plain rude!

One for the Road

Medimix is the New Lifebuoy (Pronounced Life-Boy)

9 Words Women use - And some....

Love chatting? Your online suitor could be a comp

Voice Disabled Human

Eventful Day(s)!!

Life and Times at Social Networking

w00t!

Old order changeth,.... somewhat...

wTF!

Office Se# and other creativity :-)

The world s weirdest cases - Times Online

Airline Bans Sex on Flights | Weird Asia News

Cats and Scratch....

Confucius Says....

Women s panties threaten Burmese Junta | The Register

you do not need a parachute to skydive. you only need a parachute to skydive twice!

Woman seeks rich husband, banker says crappy deal | Oddly Enough | Reuters

why we curse... What the F***? by Steven Pinker

Delving into the female mind (sic)....

Tips to Avoid Foot Pain From High Heels

He’s Happier, She’s Less So - New York Times

Shape: The Horny Remover | Weird Asia News

RSI

corrections, retractions, clarifications

What You Are Really Doing ........

WOMEN VS. MEN

To be or not to be.... that is the question

Dont Work, Have Sex, Urges Governor

The fine art of communication.....

Work Sex and other Ills

The Stress Diet

BREAKFAST

To be continued....

Performance Appraisal

Times of Ha ha

Closed....

Ex's, Hot air, and Climate Change

Kill Conversation

Comments on ‘Rufus, Mok and Lai urinate on mean customers' baggage’

Pain in the butts beware

Egad...

re: Egad...

Egad^2

Re: Egad^2

Confusius

More Confusius

Working on your own....

Coorg 2: Dishes, Drives, Delectable and Delightful

To Move or not to move....

Romacing the Stoned.....

Water Water Everywhere.....

This is what prevents my being a productive member of society.....

Drinkers Welfare Association