Performance Appraisal

We have a problem ... or several depends on who is at the receiving end. Currently one is attempting a diversification of income, keeping the home fires burning (and the beer flowing), AND attempting to internalise the finer points of Glycolysis (no, I am not a biologist, I am merely looking at increasing my regular running by 50% - and yes, this is as crazy as it sounds). If this wasn't bad enough, a parent, in a misguided attempt at home renovation, hired workmen, whose comprehension skills are at par with a two toed Sloth, and speed to match. Hence the buck gets passed down the gene pool to yours truly. To compound matters, the three "master builders" speak three different languages - this has resulted in primer laced paint with the outside of the house resembling the bow on Paris Hilton's dog.
However, my predicament pales in comparison to this friend's - who has to "appraise" a few subordinates...and divide the pie in a manner of speaking. The dilemma, in these times of 9.5% GDP growth, is, how to camouflage the zapper (especially since this dolt has cost one a better part of 50k in bonus)? To help out, I have updated the Idiots Guide to Interpreting Performance Appraisal

1. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ................................................... The stress is on the word "average" which basically means you'd better dust off that CV - the boos dislikes you and you are the said dolt.
   
2. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ................................ and underutilised. i don't want this character within a 100 meters of the office. However there happens to be a powerful uncle / family / in-laws in the picture, hence cant sack the ass. However would be great if another department can take the joker off my hands.
   
3. ACTIVE SOCIALLY ....................................................... A womaniser/Slut and a lush. Was responsible for 30% of the annual staff welfare funds (read office parties). Should be relieved of all duties else the company will face a much higher medical insurance bill next year!
   
4. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........................................ Partner is a lush too - this is not good for the CEO's pending divorce.
   
5. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH .................................... Worth considering for a transfer to Internal Audit, the (wo)man clearly knows all the loopholes.
   
6. QUICK THINKING ....................................................... Explains failures well. Spends too much time reading newspapers at work - consider for promotion to Compliance.
   
7. CAREFUL THINKER ..................................................... Read - just a thinker. Has an In Tray piled to the ceiling. Best place to get rid of incriminating paperwork. Best retained at current position as future scapegoat.
   
8. PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT ......................................... Sleeps with boss(es). Drinks with them too. This is incompatible with #3.
   
9. AGGRESSIVE............................................................... Boorish and Arrogant. Potentially competent and good salesperson if applied to a comatosed client.
   
10. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ................................... great at passing the Buck. Has a great Golf Handicap as a result. Boss loves this one.
11. EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL .................................... Lovely handwriting, expression, especially about company policies, articulated on washroom walls.
    
12. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.............................. Cures Insomnia during meetings. Put new meaning to splitting hair.
    
13. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ........................................ Loud and rude. Please promote and transfer before the office witnesses a homicide.
    
14. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ............................. Lucky, also good at coercion and bribery.
    
15. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ............................................ Keeps a book of jokes in his drawer. Can be called upon to inject humour in any presentation. Otherwise useless.
    
16. CAREER MINDED ......................................................... Will do anything to get ahead. make a great team with #14. Should be hired as external consultant henceforth - reduce company's liability.
    
17. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION ...................... Has no social life - spends most time at work and knows how to operate the copier and shredder.
    
18. RELAXED ATTITUDE .................................................... dresses badly - keep away from customer customer facing roles or any people facing roles. recommend transfer to basement.
    
19. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ............................................. No Life - no date - basically does nothing except spend time at work or in front of TV at home. Has the intelligence of a dodo but can overclock the office copier.
    
20. INDEPENDENT WORKER ............................................... Hates people. hates to work with people. Potential manic-depressive and likely to cost the company a lot in the long run.
    
21. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ...................................... Good with facts and figures - especially while concocting them. Great team player with #14 and #16
    
22. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS .................................... can replace the receptionist. Recommend discontinuing all phone access.
    
23. LOYAL ........................................................................ Largely unemployable. has same position as office furniture.

So, if your appraisal is around the corner, be careful. If you are the boss, knock yourself out - if you have to suffer an idiot, the least you can do is make sure they are excluded from the bonus pool. If the subordinate is a hot babe - send me her number.

So much for the rant -.... am off to mediate a builder dispute (did I mention I don't speak any of the said three languages?).. Cheerio