The Stress Diet

The stress diet

The health epidemic looms large and the US is leading the war against faterror (see Sicko and the recent CNN debate on Youtube). Now there are two ways of controlling this rapidly advancing disaster (i.e. Not being able to drink / Dance / Smoke till the wee hours - three nights a week):

a) stop eating (if you can actually do this..this will kill you),

or

b) stop drinking (Har Har).

Hence a highly unresearched and impractical (but fun - after THAT is the point isn't it?) guide to a good diet. The diet is especially designed to reduce work day stress (usually caused by worrying what one may die from - really?? that is a no brainer!!! ITS CLIMATE CHANGE!). This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. In case you are unlucky enough to be stress free - the diet helps you get there. If you are single and looking (for stress), See earlier "how-to" personals guide before proceeding on the diet(sic).

BREAKFAST

1 Grapefruit (Yes all of it - it helps reduce weight weight only - usually exactly equal to grapefruit consumed)

1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach (or Just the spinach if one is charitably inclined towards motile living things).
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the biscuits in said packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping (This is to destress)
1 jar Nutella (any size)

DINNER

4 bottles of red wine (This will destress self...a lot)
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza (with lots of extra cheese - this is to destress the taste buds)
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

DIET RULES

1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories

2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do

4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner - Einstein (allegory to the theory of relativity): that would explain Birds of a feather .......

Note: You cannot dispose off, conventionally, nauseatingly healthy people who refuse to fatten: apparently humans are no longer biodegradable

6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas, samosas, and frozen cokes)

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage

8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something

9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes

10. Chocolate is like a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass

12. Food consumed from someone Else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)

13. All of the above may be delicately flavoured with Vodka (see #4). Never tried Nutella Vodka? This would be a good time to start..

Highlight Diet Mantra...below

And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.