6 Point on the license and you are 3 points down...!!!!!

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse
So another one bites the dust - a friend turned XX......literally, aged and then fell over. While the physical aspects of their ageing is a good thing - sort of the same effect that is observed when one switches from |Bolivian Marching Powder to C. sativa subsp. sativa var. spontanea.

1. This allows one to keep up with the former live wires and still make profound statements at the end "Are you done? Already....?";
2. most people seem to loose their sense of humour (which I suppose is better than loosing all sense).
3. Now these fun lads and lasses (more the lasses than the lads) slowly, but steadily, mostly under the influence of mind altering stuff like Yoga, degenerate into self absorbed humourless people! However, the alcohol imbibing variety seem to recover somewhat after the 4th (this is another variation of ageing - alcohol free health nuts, with a dancing mania) so are slightly more tolerable.

However we digress. I am here to comment on "Daru ke Side Effects".

1. The first bit is energy. Alcohol is an energy drink. There are other assorted pills (blue or otherwise) which have the same effect but we are talking about good old C₂H₅......OH! Alcohol, once imbibed (usually leads to more imbibing), leads to carelessness. This leads to dancing, till wee hours, and thereafter an afternoon of nursing sore limbs (it gets worse in girls as said dancing is usually carried out in heels size of which is inversely proportional to the said female's height - something to do with centre of gravity thing I am told; the higher you go the harder you fall ).
2. The other effect is the Beer Bus! I would elaborate here the pitfalls of said bus effect - however one Travis's sister has elaborated on the same, rather eloquently I might add.. This also applies to the biggest question of them all "Why didn't he call" ;-)
   
3. Slammer: This is largely applicable to the fair city formerly known as Bombay. Alcohol + Driving will get you minimum 30 days in the slammer. So far some 2.5 denizens have been welcome guests at the government's finest accommodations at Arthur Road Jail. Those that got away are.. well.. mostly dead.
4. Choice makes a difference. A Vodka or A Whiskey helps. A beer on the other hand is a strict No No! Please note the emphasis on the article "A". It is in caps. This is also called chemically enhanced experience without "side" effects.
5. Excessive consumption is a good thing. After the 6th (usually with a lot of variety), you brain the pavement. Said pavement being in general disagreement with the said braining proceeds to protest. This protest results in said brains being a tad worse for the wear. This is good for your immediate gene pool.
6. Philosophy (and in extreme cases, Calculus). One spouts philosophy (even poetry in some cases - but then its usually in the abstract hence gibberish). One even has an eloquent self which emerges after the 3rd. However this usually a rant/rave about the other sex. More on said rant here.
   

So folks, the new year is here and we must get down to earth. May be a detour to the local wouldn't be such a bad idea ;-)

Cheers!

Performance Appraisal

We have a problem ... or several depends on who is at the receiving end. Currently one is attempting a diversification of income, keeping the home fires burning (and the beer flowing), AND attempting to internalise the finer points of Glycolysis (no, I am not a biologist, I am merely looking at increasing my regular running by 50% - and yes, this is as crazy as it sounds). If this wasn't bad enough, a parent, in a misguided attempt at home renovation, hired workmen, whose comprehension skills are at par with a two toed Sloth, and speed to match. Hence the buck gets passed down the gene pool to yours truly. To compound matters, the three "master builders" speak three different languages - this has resulted in primer laced paint with the outside of the house resembling the bow on Paris Hilton's dog.
However, my predicament pales in comparison to this friend's - who has to "appraise" a few subordinates...and divide the pie in a manner of speaking. The dilemma, in these times of 9.5% GDP growth, is, how to camouflage the zapper (especially since this dolt has cost one a better part of 50k in bonus)? To help out, I have updated the Idiots Guide to Interpreting Performance Appraisal

1. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ................................................... The stress is on the word "average" which basically means you'd better dust off that CV - the boos dislikes you and you are the said dolt.
   
2. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ................................ and underutilised. i don't want this character within a 100 meters of the office. However there happens to be a powerful uncle / family / in-laws in the picture, hence cant sack the ass. However would be great if another department can take the joker off my hands.
   
3. ACTIVE SOCIALLY ....................................................... A womaniser/Slut and a lush. Was responsible for 30% of the annual staff welfare funds (read office parties). Should be relieved of all duties else the company will face a much higher medical insurance bill next year!
   
4. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........................................ Partner is a lush too - this is not good for the CEO's pending divorce.
   
5. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH .................................... Worth considering for a transfer to Internal Audit, the (wo)man clearly knows all the loopholes.
   
6. QUICK THINKING ....................................................... Explains failures well. Spends too much time reading newspapers at work - consider for promotion to Compliance.
   
7. CAREFUL THINKER ..................................................... Read - just a thinker. Has an In Tray piled to the ceiling. Best place to get rid of incriminating paperwork. Best retained at current position as future scapegoat.
   
8. PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT ......................................... Sleeps with boss(es). Drinks with them too. This is incompatible with #3.
   
9. AGGRESSIVE............................................................... Boorish and Arrogant. Potentially competent and good salesperson if applied to a comatosed client.
   
10. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ................................... great at passing the Buck. Has a great Golf Handicap as a result. Boss loves this one.
11. EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL .................................... Lovely handwriting, expression, especially about company policies, articulated on washroom walls.
    
12. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.............................. Cures Insomnia during meetings. Put new meaning to splitting hair.
    
13. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ........................................ Loud and rude. Please promote and transfer before the office witnesses a homicide.
    
14. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ............................. Lucky, also good at coercion and bribery.
    
15. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ............................................ Keeps a book of jokes in his drawer. Can be called upon to inject humour in any presentation. Otherwise useless.
    
16. CAREER MINDED ......................................................... Will do anything to get ahead. make a great team with #14. Should be hired as external consultant henceforth - reduce company's liability.
    
17. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION ...................... Has no social life - spends most time at work and knows how to operate the copier and shredder.
    
18. RELAXED ATTITUDE .................................................... dresses badly - keep away from customer customer facing roles or any people facing roles. recommend transfer to basement.
    
19. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ............................................. No Life - no date - basically does nothing except spend time at work or in front of TV at home. Has the intelligence of a dodo but can overclock the office copier.
    
20. INDEPENDENT WORKER ............................................... Hates people. hates to work with people. Potential manic-depressive and likely to cost the company a lot in the long run.
    
21. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ...................................... Good with facts and figures - especially while concocting them. Great team player with #14 and #16
    
22. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS .................................... can replace the receptionist. Recommend discontinuing all phone access.
    
23. LOYAL ........................................................................ Largely unemployable. has same position as office furniture.

So, if your appraisal is around the corner, be careful. If you are the boss, knock yourself out - if you have to suffer an idiot, the least you can do is make sure they are excluded from the bonus pool. If the subordinate is a hot babe - send me her number.

So much for the rant -.... am off to mediate a builder dispute (did I mention I don't speak any of the said three languages?).. Cheerio