We have a problem ... or several depends on who is at the receiving end. Currently one is attempting a diversification of income, keeping the home fires burning (and the beer flowing), AND attempting to internalise the finer points of Glycolysis (no, I am not a biologist, I am merely looking at increasing my regular running by 50% - and yes, this is as crazy as it sounds). If this wasn't bad enough, a parent, in a misguided attempt at home renovation, hired workmen, whose comprehension skills are at par with a two toed Sloth, and speed to match. Hence the buck gets passed down the gene pool to yours truly. To compound matters, the three "master builders" speak three different languages - this has resulted in primer laced paint with the outside of the house resembling the bow on Paris Hilton's dog.
However, my predicament pales in comparison to this friend's - who has to "appraise" a few subordinates...and divide the pie in a manner of speaking. The dilemma, in these times of 9.5% GDP growth, is, how to camouflage the zapper (especially since this dolt has cost one a better part of 50k in bonus)? To help out, I have updated the Idiots Guide to Interpreting Performance Appraisal
However, my predicament pales in comparison to this friend's - who has to "appraise" a few subordinates...and divide the pie in a manner of speaking. The dilemma, in these times of 9.5% GDP growth, is, how to camouflage the zapper (especially since this dolt has cost one a better part of 50k in bonus)? To help out, I have updated the Idiots Guide to Interpreting Performance Appraisal
- AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ................................................... The stress is on the word "average" which basically means you'd better dust off that CV - the boos dislikes you and you are the said dolt.
- EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ................................ and underutilised. i don't want this character within a 100 meters of the office. However there happens to be a powerful uncle / family / in-laws in the picture, hence cant sack the ass. However would be great if another department can take the joker off my hands.
- ACTIVE SOCIALLY ....................................................... A womaniser/Slut and a lush. Was responsible for 30% of the annual staff welfare funds (read office parties). Should be relieved of all duties else the company will face a much higher medical insurance bill next year!
- FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........................................ Partner is a lush too - this is not good for the CEO's pending divorce.
- CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH .................................... Worth considering for a transfer to Internal Audit, the (wo)man clearly knows all the loopholes.
- QUICK THINKING ....................................................... Explains failures well. Spends too much time reading newspapers at work - consider for promotion to Compliance.
- CAREFUL THINKER ..................................................... Read - just a thinker. Has an In Tray piled to the ceiling. Best place to get rid of incriminating paperwork. Best retained at current position as future scapegoat.
- PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT ......................................... Sleeps with boss(es). Drinks with them too. This is incompatible with #3.
- AGGRESSIVE............................................................... Boorish and Arrogant. Potentially competent and good salesperson if applied to a comatosed client.
- USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ................................... great at passing the Buck. Has a great Golf Handicap as a result. Boss loves this one.
- EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL .................................... Lovely handwriting, expression, especially about company policies, articulated on washroom walls.
- METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.............................. Cures Insomnia during meetings. Put new meaning to splitting hair.
- HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ........................................ Loud and rude. Please promote and transfer before the office witnesses a homicide.
- EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ............................. Lucky, also good at coercion and bribery.
- KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ............................................ Keeps a book of jokes in his drawer. Can be called upon to inject humour in any presentation. Otherwise useless.
- CAREER MINDED ......................................................... Will do anything to get ahead. make a great team with #14. Should be hired as external consultant henceforth - reduce company's liability.
- OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION ...................... Has no social life - spends most time at work and knows how to operate the copier and shredder.
- RELAXED ATTITUDE .................................................... dresses badly - keep away from customer customer facing roles or any people facing roles. recommend transfer to basement.
- WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ............................................. No Life - no date - basically does nothing except spend time at work or in front of TV at home. Has the intelligence of a dodo but can overclock the office copier.
- INDEPENDENT WORKER ............................................... Hates people. hates to work with people. Potential manic-depressive and likely to cost the company a lot in the long run.
- GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ...................................... Good with facts and figures - especially while concocting them. Great team player with #14 and #16
- GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS .................................... can replace the receptionist. Recommend discontinuing all phone access.
- LOYAL ........................................................................ Largely unemployable. has same position as office furniture.
So much for the rant -.... am off to mediate a builder dispute (did I mention I don't speak any of the said three languages?).. Cheerio
