Semi-permanent retirement

While it has been fun writing all these years (2005 onwards), such creativity(sic) is at cost. So I am now headed into semi-permanent retirement and will spare you lot a fair bit of drivel; unless I find some inspiration in which case you lot will come back for some more punishment.......
Till then, ciao ciao. Have a nice Weekend, week, month and rest of the year.

Cheers All

p.s. with the exodus of the writer there is little need for the visit tracker so that has been removed to keep you all safe..

How to Quit Chocolate in One Easy Step

Step 1: Get a boyfriend.

This applies only to women - Men do not have a problem with chocolate - being the wiser gender, have decided long ago to get all their empty calories from Beer. More importantly, no one really wants a cure for their addiction…

However, swiftly getting back to the mentioned topic: getting a bloke isn't that difficult but getting one who would make chocolate unpalatable is a challenge.

But First lets look at why would anyone want to quit delicious, yummy, after8esque, lindtlicious, flakesque delight:

1. You will a live longer and healthier life with emphasis being on the word healthier. You may still die from over indulgence in [fill in your next favourite vice] but, your teeth would be healthy. All the chocolate that is left over can be put to better use.
2. Which brings me to my next point: Fun in the biblical sense: Here's what you do. Take the saved chocolate and melt it while mixing some full cream milk (An alternate recipe is here). [Do not microwave it – that will burn it and it would be any good -this was learnt the hard way.] Take three fingers (i.e. cool the syrup and dip three fingers in it) and have a drink (some ½ bottle of red wine or two tequila shots should do it). Then have another drink and remove your fingers from the syrup along with copious quantities of chocolate. Undress your bloke/babe. How to instructions can be found here. Now, this is important – especially if you aren't the creative kind (like me): draw Red Indian war paint patterns on said object of affection. This involves suitable patterns (three kinds, circles, straight lines and squiggles) - used liberally but without overdoing it. Then use your organ which has a sense of taste and proceed to lick the chocolate clean. Note: Use brown sheets or handcuffs so that linen/carpet is reusable. End result: you will burn 2000 calories!
3. You will save paper/ the planet: All chocolate comes wrapped (which is why it is such an aphrodisiac - see undressing point above) hence not buying chocolate would save wrapping. You could buy in bulk, save wrapping and GOTO 2.
4. Health: the aforementioned bloke will have to come up with something creative on anniversary/1^st date anniversary/1^st kiss anniversary/ 1^st night over anniversary/1^st fight/1^st Anniversary of the time when you both noticed the neighbour's telescope and so on. Apart from keeping the said bloke on toes, it will spare yours – cellulite will disappear.
5. Intimacy issues: 'Kissing a chocoholic…this is actually a good thing this is one reason why chocolate is good. Feed chocolate – feel good – do better ;-)

So..back to the how-to or dummies guide to quitting chocolate.

Get an athletic bloke. This individual will tell you "I enjoy dining out". What this will really mean: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food (including chocolate – logic being, the more the calories the better it is). You will never feel you have overeaten: with the amount of food he eats, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison! This will lead to a terrible complex due to watching said athletic bloke eat desserts and not gain any weight. You will therefore stop eating chocolate.

Get a Banker. You will have nothing to do except go to parties (funded by the other's employer) where you will only see air kissing arm candies. You will get complexed and stop eating till you turn size zero. You will be a basket case and by this time you probably think all food is optional.

Dump the geeky bot-friend. This is the bloke responsible for your "being comfortable with yourself" as he makes no demands, AND got you the chocolate in the first place. In addition is attentive to your needs (chocolate slabs), wants (chocolate flakes), desires (syrupy chocolate) and fixes your hard drive/home WiFi while keeping you in pirated software/movies/robotic carpet wacker(this is probably his idea of kinky sex).

So.. Happy Quitting and may I get to lick some chocolate – and may you get some chocolate licked chocoliciously.

How to quit smoking in one easy step

Step 1: Quit

That's it. Just get up one morning and say you quit. Throw the sticks/pack out of the window or in the loo and stop smoking. This is quitting smoking in on easy step.

However, like in everything else, there is more to it than meets the eye and therefore the quitting issue may be analysed:

Firstly, why quit? Ha ha! you say – the government told us that's why! Well, for a change the shenanigans are right but lets delve deeper into the advantages of quitting:

1. You will a live longer and healthier life with emphasis being on the word healthier. You may still die from over indulgence in McDonalds but, your lungs would be healthy.
2. You can also run – this would be useful in catching yourself a suitable partner. Frivolous as it may sound, exercise + lack of nicotine/tar is a winning combination for a healthy relationship; and is known to guarantee immense satisfaction.
3. Definition: of the muscular variety. As you being exercising (now that you have quit and you can), body starts to get toned making you one attractive peacock!
4. Climate Change: everyone knows that this is killing the planet. However, with news laws on smoking inside buildings coming up everywhere, you will have to leave the building to get that oooh so desirable drag! And it WILL be uncomfortable – hot/humid/freezing/cold or plain and simple smoggy. Also you will need to give up your lunch break for the pleasure.
5. Intimacy issues: Improve your snogging coefficient! Mint flavoured breath is always bettern than Virginia Slims!
6. You can smell: this is critical. Smoking kills your sense of smell. Chances are "The One" will waft by and you will never know… because you cannot smell them. For professional opinion see here and here.
7. And last but not the least: Money! You save minimum ₤360 per annum or more depending how expensive a smoker you are! That, in PPP terms, the exact cost of a Canon 400D Digital SLR Camera with lens! So every year, that gadget or that holiday or that loverly dinner for two or those 3 weekend getaways or that mortgage repayment …comes free!

However, you will, like any other addition, not find it easy. The withdrawal is going to be rough so be prepared. Inform near and dear ones that you will be:

1. Short : anxiety, anger, restlessness (this comes from all the time you save from not smoking)
2. The odd (hunger?) cramp and return of an appetite are not totally unexpected. This could also have something to do with your olfactory senses reawakening.
3. DO NOT and I repeat Do Not take any decisions in this period – they are likely to be something you will regret. Focus being the key, do everything, but one at a time.
4. Exercise and drink lots of water (3-4 ltrs a day): This will prevent any weight gain you have from said appetite AND will remove toxins faster!
5. Finally get a friend. Crucial when you hit the lows. This might also help you decide who that friend is ;-)

Actually this piece applies to any habit one tries to kick – be it a person, alcohol, sloth, and other milder addictions.....

Cheers

Reverse Telecommuting is the only solution......

In addition to being in a rather foul mood all day [with the sole exception of the period between 1530 hrs and 1700hrs where the quality of water cooler humour and the quality of coworkers (cow orkers???) peaked], there are these goons who have somewhat held Maximum City to ramsom. This is not entirely a bad thing as whenever there is some trouble in MaxCty, work stops and the entire office going population becomes one giant rumour mill.... the last one I heard was "The Cell Phone Networks have been Jammed to prevent trouble".... er..and jammed networks would be? The reaction to crisis is borders on bizarre with people eagerly wait for almost any excitement - usually of the negative kind and for empirical evidence one has to but look at the media headlines .
So, in that eternal search for an honest answer to life's questions (best tackled over a hot cup of sugarless tea and the ubiquitous "बरुन अंॉणी मस्का") one parked at the den for a few extra hours which only added to the general irritation with the world at large and some individual(s) in particular. However, just when the dark clouds (never quite understood the usage of this phrase in India- Dark Clouds are a good thing in these parts; its the Tide one worries about much like the ones referred to by Sir Walter e.g "..... that the last tide had risen considerably above the usual water-mark" from The Antiquary) Maddox brightened up the day with Fashion tips for women from a guy who knows dick about fashion.

This is an interesting way of exploring a popular concept - the usage of tide by Sir W. is intriguing as it is diverse - so far I have come across at least 4 works where he has used "tide" i.e. Jock o Hazeldean, Lochinvar, The field of Waterloo and already mentioned, The Antiquary. So, with the day suitably brightened, its back to Yoga, Skipping and a Long Walk. And need to prepare for the next (day's?) rants and find vent for my general and specific disgruntlements.

How to Succeed at work and other irrelevant suggestions....

Dear Readership,

I am back with even more disagreeable stuff which will mostly be intelligible...partly due to your stupidity and partly due to mine. However, we are all in the same boat this week so let me start by dishing out some second hand advice... this one would be useful to several of you and I shall just provide the link here...please to be browsing:

1.How to undress for sex

2. Sex Shockers: Everything you know about sex is only a first step. Most advice for couples doesn't go far enough—as a result, basic truths about long-term passion are surprising.

3. How to Have Great Sex: Ten keys to great lovemaking, including the having right attitude, communicating and loving your body.

Now that you have finished reading this at work (and your network admin's web security is smoking by now) you might find the next bit particularly useful.....

the following are Richard Moran’s Career Success rules (you find these in almost every office) and my added two bit.

1. Business is made up of ambiguous victories and nebulous defeats. Claim them all as victories: Example: We didn’t lose this contract, it was just an expensive lesson in choosing the right strip joint to entertain the client at....
2. Keep track of what you do; someone is sure to ask. Also helps create an alibi in case there is a security breach. Also helps create alibi’s where there are none (particularly useful when the most interesting movie has tickets available for the 1400 hrs show)
3. Be comfortable around senior managers, or learn to fake it. Basically walk into their chamber and say “Gotta brewski dude?”
4. Never bring your boss a problem without some solution. Unless you are the problem. In which case become invisible till the boss can find someone else to blame!
5. You are getting paid to think, not to whine. Unless its for a raise..in that case it becomes a chicken and egg story where you whine, get paid, stop wining till the next time….
6. Long hours don’t mean anything; results count, not effort. Also no pay is worth the girlfriend’s ire…
7. Write down ideas; they get lost, like good pens. Also helps you keep in touch with the written word minus spell check.
8. Always arrive at work 30 minutes before your boss. … and leave 10 minutes after s/he does (this will also help with 6)
9. Help other people network for jobs. You never know when your turn will come. Also it will reduce competition. The same rule applies to personal life – the best way to remove competing males is to help them find girlfriends alternatively convince them they are gay – this will remove competition …in pairs!
10. Don’t take days off sick—unless you are. Sick includes “Sick of Boss” “Sick of Work” Sick of own whining”
11. Assume no one can/will keep a secret. (You can use this for your advantage too – start a rumour about the company and cause panic – this will ensure swift promotion/raise.)
12. Know when you do your best—morning, night, under pressure, relaxed; schedule and prioritize your work accordingly. This refers to work and not S_X. In case of latter, try to have less variation in performance.
13. Treat everyone who works in the organization with respect and dignity, whether it be the cleaner or the managing director. Don’t ever be patronizing. Be sarcastic instead. This will make people avoid you and result in less work. Also their low self esteem (because of your caustic comments) may be beneficial.
14. Never appear stressed in front of a client, a customer or your boss. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: In the course of human events, how important is this? (Its kind of a toughie, if u r really stressed out, ofcourse u should never do that before customer). Instead, appear stressed at home – this will help ward off the girlfriend’s ire at having forgotten the …1. _____ 2________3.________4_______
15. If you get the entrepreneurial urge, visit someone who has his own business. It may cure you. Better still, encourage colleagues to become self-employed. This will also help with the promotion/raise.
16. Acknowledging someone else’s contribution will repay you doubly. But Always claim responsibility in private with the boss!
17. Career planning is an oxymoron. The most exciting opportunities tend to be unplanned……...as are most disasters. Reputation is a carefully built pyramid – pay attention to what the others are saying. The proceed to malign them.
18. Always choose to do what you’ll remember ten years from now. The only think I can think of is sex..but then that’s the only thing I can thin k of anyway….
19. The size of your office is not as important as the size of your pay cheque. Eventually size does matter…
20. Understand what finished work looks like and deliver your work only when it is finished. ..but take your time. It SHOWS you have put in a lot of effort ;-)
21. The person who spends all of his or her time is not hard-working; he or she is boring. Always try different stuff..break the monotony….step out of your comfort zone… kinky sex IS better …..
22. Know how to write business letters—including thank-you notes as well as proposals. Articulation is the key to communication …otherwise one has to use sign language where chances of “lost in translation” are really high!
23. Never confuse a memo with reality. Most memos from the top are political fantasy. At the same time a note from the significant other is NEVER to be ignored….there are at least 3 lines in between the lines!
24. Eliminate guilt. Don’t fiddle expenses, taxes or benefits, and don’t cheat colleagues (or the current). You will be screwed over and not in a nice way….
25. Reorganizations mean that someone will lose his or her job. Get on the committee that will make the recommendations…..
26. Job security does not exist…. …
27. Always have an answer to the question, “What would I do if I lost my job tomorrow?” Move to Maldives?
28. Go to the company Christmas party….
29. Don’t get drunk at the company Christmas party…… make sure the Boss gets drunk first..at the very least yo will know what She thinks of you!
30. Avoid working at weekends. Work longer during the week if you have to…. Preferably don’t work at all…
31. The most successful people in business are interesting…...its in the confidence..its also amazing how much you can get away with if you are confident.
32. Sometimes you’ll be on a winning streak and everything will click; take maximum advantage. When the opposite is true, hold steady and wait it out….
33. Never in your life say, “It’s not my job.” ….sometimes its good to let the other person get in the (driver’s) seat.
34. Be loyal to your career, your interests and yourself. Being loyal to the counterpart may help your bank balances at a future date too ;-)
35. Understand the skills and abilities that set you apart. Use them whenever you have an opportunity. (So important, don't be afriad of giving out your ideas and opinions, even if they are negative).. Also constructive Criticism is over rated…
36. People remember the end of the project. As they say in boxing, “Always finish stronger than you start.” Also finish when you are supposed to….. not late and ..certainly not early… after all, in certain things in life…..speed is not everything!

Mates...

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article3283690.ece#cid=OTC-RSS&attr=2015164

I like The Times (this is not Slimes of India but THE Times published in the Queen Liz's lands). Not only do they sound rational and fair (mostly), they also let fly some soul(sic) searching articles on what else… mate hunt! So while I have some more time to kill and hence read. This is an interesting take on the issues that govern all (wo)mankind (particularly those north of 29) and it talks of the trials and tribulations of a mate hunt (as opposed to what they describe as "sperm-bandits"). The moot question, as the title suggests is, Where have all the men gone?

British women in their thirties want mates. They can't find any. Why? Because most eligible males are selfish, mixed-up man-boys chasing no-strings sex, says our correspondent.

This presupposes a few things:

1. Women of other creed/nationality do not want mates

2. Most ineligible males are not selfish (i.e. committed man is more likely to be a love rat)

3. Boyish charms have gone out of fashion

This is a somewhat local broadsheet so they are entitled to their opinion. Also being of the sex at the receiving end of this article, I can hardly profess an unbiased outlook J

So they say that men start of as men and then degenerate into (wild) boys. Now I am not sure this is a bad thing and it sure would help if some of the women too degenerate(sic) from women into girls J The prime problem in England (or the Larger UK) seems to be the intense desire of women to get the blokes to commit and the intense desire for the said blokes to run away from such commitment – a clash of interest as it were. The blame, apparently, doesn't lie with the said fickle, love rat bloke but with the large media where, and I quote "And we wonder why men are afraid to commit, when women like me are depicted as hormonally charged sperm-bandits interested in nothing beyond the urge to have a child".

Also, this phenomenon seems to be restricted to the land of the English where, the whole living loose and fast thing seems to increase with age, particularly with the blokes (male camaraderie beer session etc). I can certainly vouch for this one having keenly observed the pre-mate rituals in both England and India – in India, the sex ratio(n) (see Club of 69 post) ensure the Yin-Yang balance, mostly in favour of the Yin. Also there seems to a general disagreement on the utility of younger versus older blokes – in India the younger blokes are considered good for sex and are rather "sweet" in a tail-wagging-puppy sort of way while the older fellows are deemed more charming/caring/treat-object-of-affection- well. The Brits OTOH tend to be great friends, but, "admit that they are rubbish boyfriends. Interestingly, they also agree that this wasn't always the case". AND most seem to have been in therapy! What did you do to these fine blokes in their twenties!?!?!? There is of course this whole demand supply thing which tends to turn 360 degrees in favour of men after the age of 36 – the number of single women increases relative to the number of single men who, in different fits of depression (induced by not having found a mate), have drunk themselves to an early grave. UK stats – 100 girls to 108 boys at birth – by mid teens its 1:1 and , statistically, post that it would reverse in favour of men. There are other interesting stats which you may read on your own – tastes preferences etc… which are so over analysed that they are dull and boring.

Now all this male bashing (Emotional stunting post 30, wild fellows screwing themselves to an early and lonesome grave etc….) was taken exception of by one Mr.A.Clover Esq. Who has raised some pertinent points (I will quote liberally):

1.Men are scared: their women will make them throw out their comics, their motorbikes and their dreams of writing novels! Bikes and Dreams I understand… Throw out COMICS!!! Where Bat Girl and Super Girl do Lex Luther….sorry another media J

Also the targeted acquisition is simpler than it appears to be and the following rules apply :

1. "It doesn't really matter which type of man you go for – younger, older, divorced. What matters is that you go for him". Particularly in the UK where the demand supply equation has shifted to the LHS.

2. The divorced man is more realistic and therefore practical.

3. The older man just wants someone who won't shout at him.

4. If it takes her two minutes to get into the car, she's ideal.

5. Alternatives is the Man-Boy where the suggested (cunning) strategy is: wait for him to call but, when he does, you must be devoted and give him glorious sex in flattering lighting.

The rest of this traitor's (to his gender) rantings are far too dangerous to be propagated over the net except the closing statement: "Try not to worry about what happens. Remember, there are also loads of men like me: the ones who hatched, and still went bad. We wish you luck. We wish you love. We'll see you by the swings in five years"[1].

Footnote: Interesting comments from readers of critiqued article!

• Just wait for the married ones to get divorced.: Bruno, NYC, (very practical! Er… how long? Or should one preempt it? ;-))
• Morrissey put it well: "If you're so funny, why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining, why do you sleep alone tonight?" Perhaps single women should think what they could do to make themselves more appealing to men as potential partners. here's a clue: it has nothing, or very little to do with beauty, grooming, clothes etc - and a lot to do with being patient, kind, trusting, generous and interesting. All of which men have to do as well, of course. : D. Miller, London, (sane advice! Lets sell our collective stock in L'oreal!)

Usual Disclaimer Applies

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[1] CLOVER A, Andrew Clover's Dad Rules is published by Penguin in May