How to Quit Chocolate in One Easy Step

Step 1: Get a boyfriend.

This applies only to women - Men do not have a problem with chocolate - being the wiser gender, have decided long ago to get all their empty calories from Beer. More importantly, no one really wants a cure for their addiction…

However, swiftly getting back to the mentioned topic: getting a bloke isn't that difficult but getting one who would make chocolate unpalatable is a challenge.

But First lets look at why would anyone want to quit delicious, yummy, after8esque, lindtlicious, flakesque delight:

1. You will a live longer and healthier life with emphasis being on the word healthier. You may still die from over indulgence in [fill in your next favourite vice] but, your teeth would be healthy. All the chocolate that is left over can be put to better use.
2. Which brings me to my next point: Fun in the biblical sense: Here's what you do. Take the saved chocolate and melt it while mixing some full cream milk (An alternate recipe is here). [Do not microwave it – that will burn it and it would be any good -this was learnt the hard way.] Take three fingers (i.e. cool the syrup and dip three fingers in it) and have a drink (some ½ bottle of red wine or two tequila shots should do it). Then have another drink and remove your fingers from the syrup along with copious quantities of chocolate. Undress your bloke/babe. How to instructions can be found here. Now, this is important – especially if you aren't the creative kind (like me): draw Red Indian war paint patterns on said object of affection. This involves suitable patterns (three kinds, circles, straight lines and squiggles) - used liberally but without overdoing it. Then use your organ which has a sense of taste and proceed to lick the chocolate clean. Note: Use brown sheets or handcuffs so that linen/carpet is reusable. End result: you will burn 2000 calories!
3. You will save paper/ the planet: All chocolate comes wrapped (which is why it is such an aphrodisiac - see undressing point above) hence not buying chocolate would save wrapping. You could buy in bulk, save wrapping and GOTO 2.
4. Health: the aforementioned bloke will have to come up with something creative on anniversary/1^st date anniversary/1^st kiss anniversary/ 1^st night over anniversary/1^st fight/1^st Anniversary of the time when you both noticed the neighbour's telescope and so on. Apart from keeping the said bloke on toes, it will spare yours – cellulite will disappear.
5. Intimacy issues: 'Kissing a chocoholic…this is actually a good thing this is one reason why chocolate is good. Feed chocolate – feel good – do better ;-)

So..back to the how-to or dummies guide to quitting chocolate.

Get an athletic bloke. This individual will tell you "I enjoy dining out". What this will really mean: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food (including chocolate – logic being, the more the calories the better it is). You will never feel you have overeaten: with the amount of food he eats, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison! This will lead to a terrible complex due to watching said athletic bloke eat desserts and not gain any weight. You will therefore stop eating chocolate.

Get a Banker. You will have nothing to do except go to parties (funded by the other's employer) where you will only see air kissing arm candies. You will get complexed and stop eating till you turn size zero. You will be a basket case and by this time you probably think all food is optional.

Dump the geeky bot-friend. This is the bloke responsible for your "being comfortable with yourself" as he makes no demands, AND got you the chocolate in the first place. In addition is attentive to your needs (chocolate slabs), wants (chocolate flakes), desires (syrupy chocolate) and fixes your hard drive/home WiFi while keeping you in pirated software/movies/robotic carpet wacker(this is probably his idea of kinky sex).

So.. Happy Quitting and may I get to lick some chocolate – and may you get some chocolate licked chocoliciously.