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My Idea of The Perfect Woman

Well not mine really.... putting out stuff like this is likely to prove suicidal at some future date - haunting past and all that..However, here's a weekend compilation of opinions:

To open the argument .. the perfect woman according to the Irish..


She can drive a diesel Ford Transit van around the old 13 mile Nurburgring in 10 mins 8 secs, she was ripping past Porsches and motorbikes like it was going out of style. As a comparison the host went around in an S type Jag diesel in 9.59. She is an attractive blonde who can drive like the wind, what more could you want in a woman?
Mate, get a grip, she was trying to get away from you!

Whereas Red Bailey says: Awww come on guys, we all know the perfect woman is a deaf-mute with a very short-term memory who looks like Marilyn Monroe......
To which Vpatrick adds.. "Who Never gets a Headache"
yes.. cerebral ailment is is bummer.......

The calssic one: Blonde, Big Breasted, Deaf and Dumb, Nymphomaniac who owns a pub near a racecourse.
If wishes were horses...........

However, at a more fundamental level, there is an animated discussion regarding the very existence of the perfect woman:

Using the Santa Clause, Prefect Man and Perfect Woman argument, for an interactive version look at this site, amply illustrating how driving skills and perfection are related.

The contrary opinion is presented by the kind volunteers at Uncyclopedia in whose esteemed opinion

"The first recorded stories of a perfect woman date from around 8,000,000,000 BC (give or take a couple million years. Though in this early age, she is merely referred to as a mythological creature. There are no recorded sightings of a perfect woman. Over the years the concept begins to change into more of a legend, a creature of which only one single specimen exists. Though the idea of a woman may very well have started out as a fantasy, the common consensus amongst scientists is that she may very well exist or have existed, or even may still be to exist in the future"

John Succinctly sums it up...
"Perfect Woman" : Oxymoron


In Other news: A scientist has a nagging feeling he has left the 9 million volt particle accelerator running..

Brickbats and Beers at the usual place.... Have a great weekend!

Auto Strike ... Yeah!

Bangalore breathed easy today as the Auto rickshaws went on strike. Not having to deal with them while on foot or in any other hydrocarbon guzzling contraption was a relief.. but I was curious as to why they were on strike and The Hindu, South India's left leaning broadsheet had this to say:

The main grouse of local auto rickshaw drivers is the recent inclusion of eight clauses in Vehicle Permit Conditions by the Regional Transport Authority (RTA), Bangalore.

• These conditions include parking at designated places in a queue; (yes..the right lane is for driving, not haggling with passengers)
  
• taking the shortest route; (Preferably not via Goa)
  
• refraining from taking a third-party; (really the drivers seat was designed for one only!)
  
• not demanding excess fare; (I really don't want to sign over my inheritance to reach home)
  
• using only the recommended fuel or LPG kit;
  
• updating address in RC books within 30 days
  
• changing ownership records within 14 days
  
• not refusing to ply without "valid reasons."

Not only that, the intelligent souls are also opposed to the recently introduced (dedicated) lane-system for auto rickshaws.
right........obviously not the brightest crayons in the pack...

The protest was against the introduction of "new" laws which begs the question..did they think they were legally allowed to "take the longest possible route" and "demand excess fare"??

Welcome to the Idiotic Transportation capital of India!

Footnote: I'd love to get my hands on whatever the auto walla's have been smoking!

And just when you thought it couldn't get better..... it does.

This time from North Carolina ... "Officials dismissed a murder charge Tuesday against a sheriff's deputy accused of shooting and killing an unarmed teenager who authorities believed had stolen video game consoles.A grand jury foreman said he had checked the wrong box on the indictment paperwork, triggering the dismissal." and, presumably, the check box instructed all and sundry to switch off their brains as well.....

Also Reuters has unveiled Reuters NewsScope service which makes news items machine readable, allowing automatic trading of stocks etc. based on the news content (supposedly putting overpaid traders out of business). Earlier Thomson financial had revealed a system which uses live trading data to create automatic news stories (putting Reuters reporters like Mr. Doyle out of business, which is necessarily a good thing). Wouldn't it be interesting to merge the two and watch the ensuing fun.....

On an unrelated note, Reuters idea of motivating employees is to show them Apollo 13 clips.

I am beginning to loose faith in the whole Intelligent Design theory, there being complete lack of intelligence in the "design". Henceforth I shall subscribe to the Church of the flying Spaghetti Monster............(with due regrets to the Kansas School Board).

"Intelligence is finite"

Corollary - and the population is rising.

Common sense seems to be uncommon too! Re:recent case of opposition to introduction of compulsory helmets for 2 wheeler riders in Blr. Apparently after 4 false starts, the government (Chief Minister no less - though what business the CM has wasting time on traffic laws is beyond me; ostensibly idiots cracking their skulls on pristine Blr sidewalks more important than chikungunya) decided to cut its health care bill in half by introducing the helmet bill - there were protests and the reasons ... in order of importance:

• Its too hot to wear a helmet (perhaps you prefer a hole in your head - looks well ventilated anyway )
• It impairs hearing!! really??!? Much like all car drivers cant hear a thing when they roll up their windows! Exactly which part of traffic noise do you miss? It might be a good idea to rely on your sense of sight and look over your shoulder (or side view mirrors if you are intelligent enough to posses a pair) BEFORE you swerve!
• Women: Spoils the hairstyle - really? and presumably the diesel soot belching from assorted trucks / autos is a great conditioner? Also great for the face?? gives it a sexy black sheen...
  
• Men: Helmets cause hair loss. I agree with this one. all helmets come fitted with part velcro fasteners on the inside which keep helmets fixed to the head and on removal rip out tufts. Also soot (preferably benzene and arsenic flavoured) is a great hair rejuvinator.

Then there is young Master Rae Rae, all of 16 years old, had a drink too many (in his case a drink is too many), drove a car, crashed it into a lamp post and injured among others his sister. Goes on national radio and says "I would do it again but with no-one in the car besides me. I would drink and drive again with just me in the car," and "Too much to drink for me to be behind the wheel." which was only 180 kph in a 50 km zone!! His mother, yes the parent to the injured daughter, also the booze supplier in this case, says

"Every time I told him not to drink too much but he don't listen. He ignore it," and

"I don't blame him because he was working hard. He needs something to relax." (also on National Radio).
Footnote: British police has appealed to a modern day (jack) ripper to surrender; two British animal rights campaigners "clad" in bikinis made of lettuce leaves urge the people of Kazakhstan to stop eating horses; A Texas real estate agent is offering clients a free Glock pistol with every house they buy and A Texas lawmaker is aiming to allow the blind to hunt

We can only hope Darwin was right about natural selection...............

Found this on Digg/YouTube.. absolutely Hilarious!!

Selective Mutism

There are times in life when one gets tongue tied - classic examples being hand-in -the-cookie-jar (one can only assume you have a conscience) or when the object of your desire (a.k.a. the stalkee; you being the stalker) suddenly decides to materialise at your doorstep. There may even be a general tendency to temporarily loose speech when a rather hot member of the fair sex (or same sex - lets be absolutely politically correct) decides to ask you for directions (and Mr. / Ms. GPA 4.0 a.k.a. maths wizard(ess) turns into a blithering idiot with a voice impediment) - general conversation goes -

HB: Hi, would you know the way to XXXbar
BI: (wheeze)......... (heavy breathing).........
HB: Are you all right?
BI: Er...yes....
HB: Well do you know the way?
BI: (loosely translated)
HB: (flustered).. eh.. ahem... [exit]
BI:(kicks self + yanks out remaining hair in tufts)

Note: HB = Hot Babe BI= Blithering Idiot a.k.a. Dr.Mathematics

well you get the picture - and this is not restricted to Men - there are enough women who are prolific letter writers but cant talk to save their lives! (Sounds fantastic - sadly it is very true...).
If you suffer from involuntary lack of speech there is some good news and some bad news: the bad news is - the "illness" is debatable (as in the shrinks are still debating the classification), and therefore there is no cure. So unless someone can translate "bub-haaaaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiiiiit-theeeeeeeee", your singlehood will continue - indefinately; please look to the internet for communication.
The good news is they are working on a cure and they have progressed to naming it - Selective Mutism.
However, the million dollar question is: isnt there a cure already? I can save a lot of research institutes a lot of money as there is general consensus - vodka releases the tongue. The cure works like this:

BI: bub-haaaaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiiiiit-theeeeeeeee
HB: Vodka
BI: yes yes
HB: Another?
BI: Yes Yes
(miraculous transformatio: After 2 Vodkas BI => Dude, or at least to HB who by this time is desperately looking fro some saving grace in Dude)
HB: (breaking ice) So what do you do?
Dude (formerly BI): I would tell you but you wouldn't understand
HB: {SPLASH} {Vodka and BI face merge}
Exit HB followed by Dude (aka cured BI)

So in case you suffer from SM, take heart, cure is at hand ( I recommend Absolut Citrus).
Till later....

Lost in Transylvania........................

After a brief, but well deserved break, we are back to our not -so-favourite past time... (actually its a distant fifth after women, single malt, jazz, Captain Kidds.. preferably all together). And no I was not really lost... merely mired in the peat bog of assorted things financial. But then being lost is a part of life... ups, downs and the laterals (otherwise known as doldrums).. this is the stage usually after the ups (or downs) when one is basically........lost. You know the feeling, gotten over the last breakup (2 days and a bottle later for men.... a week and a "bin"fire of photos/letters later for women) now what next? Resigned from job, gave piece of mind to Boss - what next (this should be fairly obvious.. brush up CV and start calling the head hunters you idiot); moved to new city, restricted language skills, asked auto walla to go XXX, he takes you via outer ring road, by passing the familiar "Lake Wines" - Lost!

Now I have been lost as well, for all of the reasons mentioned above, and basically decided that the solution to getting out of "being lost" was to use modern technology - a Map (tested for several centuries by land lubbers and amphibians alike). The "device" basically lets you see where you are, where you want to be, and how much deep shit you are in at the present moment. So, a while ago, I moved to a new city and got myself a map. This looked relatively slick (relative to the previous edition which looked like it had been manufactured by Khadi Gramudyog Bhavan, under license from the Uttar Predesh government, using government stationery). Subsequently a car happened and one assumed that a map would come in handy (ha ha)- considering all roads were well marked, complete with hairline arrows showing one ways. People at Eicher are lazy (they don't believe in reprinting with recent changes) and Local Cops are insane (one ways change directs several times), Cal Cops are a public health hazard (not only does the city centre change direction on one ways several times a day, at the precise switchover time, all cops are to be found catching up on their beauty sleep, inside traffic police kiosks!!).
Anyway, after following the map to get to "Point B", I suddenly found myself facing oncoming traffic.. on a one way... and one rather menacing truck bearing down on my jalopy! After a suicidal reverse and an illegal right, I beat a hasty retreat....
Strike One - don't trust the One Ways on maps.

On another occasion, folks and a foreign friend requested chauffeur-ing one bright Sunday morning ostensibly to go see a large local temple. Now normally, the width of a road on the map is directly proportional to the actual width. Obviously the bright cartographers at Eicher haven't heard of the concept so yours truly ended up in this lane with 6 inches to spare on either side of the car... then they forgot to mention that the Bridge at the end of the "wide" road was a foot bridge...Reversal being out of the question, one takes the first exit out of this shady area and ends up in the middle of several cemeteries!
Strike 2: Don't trust the maps!

(Note: One eventually reached this place after an hour or so.. .. had a rather pleasant religious experience suitably complimented by a sumptuous lunch)

So what is the alternative? Enter technology, creativity and zillions of dollars worth of military (satellite) hardware from the US Government (the same chaos which gave us the Internet) called the GPS based satellite navigation system. The concept is fairly simple (at least in theory), enter starting point, enter destination (both usually postcodes). The software gets to work and charts a route for you. Then it triangulates your position on the route using GPS satellites. As you travel, driving directions are fed through a reasonably seductive voice - telling you which turn to take, when a speed camera is in sight and if you are speeding. If you miss a turn, it recalculated the best route and gets you back on track... or so you would think!
One particular place in the UK has had a spot of trouble with these devices... motorists have been sent to this particularly steep (100 ft) cliff top prompting hourly rescues by local villagers. One fellow nearly flew off the cliff trying to reverse his way out of trouble. Which begs the question, when is it that these technophiles noticed that they were no longer driving on a road?? And when is it that they switched off their brains? Trivia: the village in question is appropriately named "Crackpot".
Ever been concerned about needing emergency care and wondering whether risking the ambulance was an option? Meet the rookie, technophiles brigade at the NHS Ambulance service. They were to transfer a "mental patient" from Ilford in East London to Brentwood in North London, a distance of 12 Miles (19 odd kms). So they get to their patients, religiously punch in the destination and off they go. After they went missing for a few hours, the dispatcher got worried and called them...apparently by this time they had ended up in Manchester (ostensibly lost), which is a little over 200 miles (320 kms) away!!!
Strike 3: Screw the maps and Satnav, its more fun getting lost without any help!

Footnote: Now you know why women cant read maps (they are useless anyway) and men dont ask for directions (where's the adventure in that)!!!!

Mangling your own machine: a 10 step "how to" for killing your PC

In response to several queries from people who undoubtedly are planning to stab their current employers in the back (read: resign and join the grocer aross the street as it sounds more rewarding), here's a guide to completely rid your PC of information:

• go to www.undelete-plus.com
• download the file without the installer (you don't need admin access for this and yes it involves clicking the "download" link on the left frame)
• double click and Run a scan
• Now before you ask as to how an undelete programme is useful for getting rid of files, please note the little button called "wipe" on the top bar... it can be used to "wipe" undeletable files form your machine. Also the programme gives you a good justification for downloading it on an office machine in the first place as you can actually use it to undelete accidentally deleted files!! Therefore, please right click the list, select all and hit wipe!
• If problematic, please reboot the machine and when the BIOS version number crops up, hit F8... start in any DOS mode
• Once the command prompt comes on (looks like "C:\" or, for the mentally challenged, black screen with white letters and characters)
• Type Format C: and hit enter
• Are you sure...... answer yes to this
• And voila.... you disk is wiped clean!!! Now no one, including yourself can recover anything ... occasionally Windows does all this without your lifting a finger.
• for a good measure, you could now load Ubuntu OS on the clean machine.
  

However, should you find yourself cyber-netically challenged to execute these very basic (and rather simple) instructions ... do follow steps in section II

Section II

• Get a Philips head screw driver (this would be the one which, if cut a few MM above the end, would resemble a "+")
• look at the base of the PC / Notebook
• remove all screws (spreading them randomly across the room) and carefully remove the hard drive
• now switch on the cooker (hot plate if you are at work)
• make yourself some tea - this will give you time to ensure that there are no witnesses to the gross stupidity of what you are about to attempt, also allow for last minute rethink.
• After chai, take the hard drive in a pair of tongs ( if at work large paper clips will do) and roast on said chai cooker (hot plate) till the label appears done medium-rare or goes up in technicolour flames - whichever is first.
• Your hard drive is toast.
• Have a drink (preferably seven)
• Try putting the PC back together - this serves no purpose as the hard drive is toast and by this time several other components of the machine are beyond hope. However it will help you understand all those anti-DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) ads.
  

If you follow this advice, you should not be let anywhere near a micro processor, including your own; Dont take this personally, this is in the interest of public safety and the future well being of your own gene pool.

Note: I do not condone the misuse of office PC's, if only because the odds in favour of your getting sacked thereafter are ... well.... 1:0

Post Script: A useful tool to keep prying eyes out is Microsoft Private Folder (Currently giving tech support a bit of a headache). It is a single folder which is simply passowrd protected.. totally un scanable without unlocking.