Lost in Transylvania........................
After a brief, but well deserved break, we are back to our not -so-favourite past time... (actually its a distant fifth after women, single malt, jazz, Captain Kidds.. preferably all together). And no I was not really lost... merely mired in the peat bog of assorted things financial. But then being lost is a part of life... ups, downs and the laterals (otherwise known as doldrums).. this is the stage usually after the ups (or downs) when one is basically........lost. You know the feeling, gotten over the last breakup (2 days and a bottle later for men.... a week and a "bin"fire of photos/letters later for women) now what next? Resigned from job, gave piece of mind to Boss - what next (this should be fairly obvious.. brush up CV and start calling the head hunters you idiot); moved to new city, restricted language skills, asked auto walla to go XXX, he takes you via outer ring road, by passing the familiar "Lake Wines" - Lost!
Now I have been lost as well, for all of the reasons mentioned above, and basically decided that the solution to getting out of "being lost" was to use modern technology - a Map (tested for several centuries by land lubbers and amphibians alike). The "device" basically lets you see where you are, where you want to be, and how much deep shit you are in at the present moment. So, a while ago, I moved to a new city and got myself a map. This looked relatively slick (relative to the previous edition which looked like it had been manufactured by Khadi Gramudyog Bhavan, under license from the Uttar Predesh government, using government stationery). Subsequently a car happened and one assumed that a map would come in handy (ha ha)- considering all roads were well marked, complete with hairline arrows showing one ways. People at Eicher are lazy (they don't believe in reprinting with recent changes) and Local Cops are insane (one ways change directs several times), Cal Cops are a public health hazard (not only does the city centre change direction on one ways several times a day, at the precise switchover time, all cops are to be found catching up on their beauty sleep, inside traffic police kiosks!!).
Anyway, after following the map to get to "Point B", I suddenly found myself facing oncoming traffic.. on a one way... and one rather menacing truck bearing down on my jalopy! After a suicidal reverse and an illegal right, I beat a hasty retreat....
Strike One - don't trust the One Ways on maps.
On another occasion, folks and a foreign friend requested chauffeur-ing one bright Sunday morning ostensibly to go see a large local temple. Now normally, the width of a road on the map is directly proportional to the actual width. Obviously the bright cartographers at Eicher haven't heard of the concept so yours truly ended up in this lane with 6 inches to spare on either side of the car... then they forgot to mention that the Bridge at the end of the "wide" road was a foot bridge...Reversal being out of the question, one takes the first exit out of this shady area and ends up in the middle of several cemeteries!
Strike 2: Don't trust the maps!
(Note: One eventually reached this place after an hour or so.. .. had a rather pleasant religious experience suitably complimented by a sumptuous lunch)
So what is the alternative? Enter technology, creativity and zillions of dollars worth of military (satellite) hardware from the US Government (the same chaos which gave us the Internet) called the GPS based satellite navigation system. The concept is fairly simple (at least in theory), enter starting point, enter destination (both usually postcodes). The software gets to work and charts a route for you. Then it triangulates your position on the route using GPS satellites. As you travel, driving directions are fed through a reasonably seductive voice - telling you which turn to take, when a speed camera is in sight and if you are speeding. If you miss a turn, it recalculated the best route and gets you back on track... or so you would think!
One particular place in the UK has had a spot of trouble with these devices... motorists have been sent to this particularly steep (100 ft) cliff top prompting hourly rescues by local villagers. One fellow nearly flew off the cliff trying to reverse his way out of trouble. Which begs the question, when is it that these technophiles noticed that they were no longer driving on a road?? And when is it that they switched off their brains? Trivia: the village in question is appropriately named "Crackpot".
Ever been concerned about needing emergency care and wondering whether risking the ambulance was an option? Meet the rookie, technophiles brigade at the NHS Ambulance service. They were to transfer a "mental patient" from Ilford in East London to Brentwood in North London, a distance of 12 Miles (19 odd kms). So they get to their patients, religiously punch in the destination and off they go. After they went missing for a few hours, the dispatcher got worried and called them...apparently by this time they had ended up in Manchester (ostensibly lost), which is a little over 200 miles (320 kms) away!!!
Strike 3: Screw the maps and Satnav, its more fun getting lost without any help!
Footnote: Now you know why women cant read maps (they are useless anyway) and men dont ask for directions (where's the adventure in that)!!!!
After a brief, but well deserved break, we are back to our not -so-favourite past time... (actually its a distant fifth after women, single malt, jazz, Captain Kidds.. preferably all together). And no I was not really lost... merely mired in the peat bog of assorted things financial. But then being lost is a part of life... ups, downs and the laterals (otherwise known as doldrums).. this is the stage usually after the ups (or downs) when one is basically........lost. You know the feeling, gotten over the last breakup (2 days and a bottle later for men.... a week and a "bin"fire of photos/letters later for women) now what next? Resigned from job, gave piece of mind to Boss - what next (this should be fairly obvious.. brush up CV and start calling the head hunters you idiot); moved to new city, restricted language skills, asked auto walla to go XXX, he takes you via outer ring road, by passing the familiar "Lake Wines" - Lost!
Now I have been lost as well, for all of the reasons mentioned above, and basically decided that the solution to getting out of "being lost" was to use modern technology - a Map (tested for several centuries by land lubbers and amphibians alike). The "device" basically lets you see where you are, where you want to be, and how much deep shit you are in at the present moment. So, a while ago, I moved to a new city and got myself a map. This looked relatively slick (relative to the previous edition which looked like it had been manufactured by Khadi Gramudyog Bhavan, under license from the Uttar Predesh government, using government stationery). Subsequently a car happened and one assumed that a map would come in handy (ha ha)- considering all roads were well marked, complete with hairline arrows showing one ways. People at Eicher are lazy (they don't believe in reprinting with recent changes) and Local Cops are insane (one ways change directs several times), Cal Cops are a public health hazard (not only does the city centre change direction on one ways several times a day, at the precise switchover time, all cops are to be found catching up on their beauty sleep, inside traffic police kiosks!!).
Anyway, after following the map to get to "Point B", I suddenly found myself facing oncoming traffic.. on a one way... and one rather menacing truck bearing down on my jalopy! After a suicidal reverse and an illegal right, I beat a hasty retreat....
Strike One - don't trust the One Ways on maps.
On another occasion, folks and a foreign friend requested chauffeur-ing one bright Sunday morning ostensibly to go see a large local temple. Now normally, the width of a road on the map is directly proportional to the actual width. Obviously the bright cartographers at Eicher haven't heard of the concept so yours truly ended up in this lane with 6 inches to spare on either side of the car... then they forgot to mention that the Bridge at the end of the "wide" road was a foot bridge...Reversal being out of the question, one takes the first exit out of this shady area and ends up in the middle of several cemeteries!
Strike 2: Don't trust the maps!
(Note: One eventually reached this place after an hour or so.. .. had a rather pleasant religious experience suitably complimented by a sumptuous lunch)
So what is the alternative? Enter technology, creativity and zillions of dollars worth of military (satellite) hardware from the US Government (the same chaos which gave us the Internet) called the GPS based satellite navigation system. The concept is fairly simple (at least in theory), enter starting point, enter destination (both usually postcodes). The software gets to work and charts a route for you. Then it triangulates your position on the route using GPS satellites. As you travel, driving directions are fed through a reasonably seductive voice - telling you which turn to take, when a speed camera is in sight and if you are speeding. If you miss a turn, it recalculated the best route and gets you back on track... or so you would think!
One particular place in the UK has had a spot of trouble with these devices... motorists have been sent to this particularly steep (100 ft) cliff top prompting hourly rescues by local villagers. One fellow nearly flew off the cliff trying to reverse his way out of trouble. Which begs the question, when is it that these technophiles noticed that they were no longer driving on a road?? And when is it that they switched off their brains? Trivia: the village in question is appropriately named "Crackpot".
Ever been concerned about needing emergency care and wondering whether risking the ambulance was an option? Meet the rookie, technophiles brigade at the NHS Ambulance service. They were to transfer a "mental patient" from Ilford in East London to Brentwood in North London, a distance of 12 Miles (19 odd kms). So they get to their patients, religiously punch in the destination and off they go. After they went missing for a few hours, the dispatcher got worried and called them...apparently by this time they had ended up in Manchester (ostensibly lost), which is a little over 200 miles (320 kms) away!!!
Strike 3: Screw the maps and Satnav, its more fun getting lost without any help!
Footnote: Now you know why women cant read maps (they are useless anyway) and men dont ask for directions (where's the adventure in that)!!!!
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