Romancing the Credit Crunch

I do not wish to romance the credit crunch but what I refer to is romancing during the credit crunch and several advantages therein. So lets take our hypothetical individual who is single in the thirties (the folks in their twenties aren't really relevant), and is en route to romantic bliss. Unknown to said individual, the US Congress votes against a $700 billion bailout (read public fund profligacy) and the credit crisis, recession, financial bloodbath becomes more apparent…. And lo and behold, there is another reason to loose sleep. So SI (Said Individual / Semi Intelligent at this point) starts to fret – look after the job, look after movies, dinners, dancing, scrabble, and so forth. I say fear not – you would still be doing all of those whether or not there was a crunch!

During a credit crunch, there are advantages – no work. Or mostly no expectations from work both for yourself as well as your employers. You get to keep regular hours in your home time zone – get out in the evenings.

In addition you have saved time. How? Lets see:

1. You cant browse job sites looking for a BBD (bugger the better deal) – there are no jobs out there. If your HR finds out they will replace you with a younger, better looking (the cute number the XXX Manager has the hots for), at ½ pay! Time saved 3 hours
2. General Web Surfing is down to 1 hour a day. This is mostly because news is repeated and yesterdays news (bank crashed), is today's news (bank crashed) is tomorrow's news (oh dear!). Time saved 3 Hours!
3. You cant faff – while at work you need to look busy. This involves rushing about the office with a clip board. Ruffled hair included. Rushing shaves off 2 hrs spent travelling between different desks trying to plug into the office grape vine.
4. Lunch - 10 minutes. See above looking busy. Also credit crunch involves the office caterer increasing the price of food (currently running at YoY inflation of about 80%) AND reducing the portions not to mention cheaper ingredients (the food begins to resemble and smell like my car's engine – I dont have a car but if I did have one it would smell quite close to the cafeteria food). You will however have the customary plate of boiled rice (to demonstrate austerity while enjoying pork chops, pepper salami and some beer on the side). This takes 10 minutes while saving you an hour.
5. You need to leave early – out of sight is also out of mind. HR systems are useless, performance pay doesn't matter hence if the target is missing, the target is missed. Ideally leave exactly 7.5 hours (in case the access cards work). Time saved - unlimited.

Time Saved – 9+hours

So (this might be news to some of my fellow bankers), there is a daily reset on time i.e. all that time you have saved (9+x hrs) needs to be used or else it lapses and, lo and behold, another day begins!!

So… the consumption of time:

1. 1. Travel to girlfriend’s = 1.5 hours. This involves searching for transport, taking one, getting stuck in 2 traffic jams and recovery from the travel. This is Bombay and your mode of travel is immaterial.
2. 2½ hour to express oneself – this is important for self and counterparty even if you have mentioned it several times during the day. Include 10 minutes of awkward silence etc.
3. 3. One hour to walk to evening's destination including more of point 2.
4. 4. 3 Hours (minimum) at said destination to do more of 2 – somehow this will not sound repetitive. After a few drinks knees will feel weak ... from lack of food - see earlier point 4 – might be a good idea to eat at this point.
5. 5. One more hour to walk to destination 2 - this is coffee and conversations (or a lot can happen over a cup of coffee depending on the brew outlet self and womanly predisposition).
6. 6. One Hour at said coffee joint (SCJ).
7. 7. ½ hour to walk XX to said XX's destination – include more point 2.
8. 8. 45 minutes to get back – with said XX if possible.
9. 9. 45 minutes to fondly reflect on the evening, punctuated by messages exchanged with said XX.

Time Used: 10 hrs!

Congratulations –by now you have extended your day by an Hour! Made up by leaving office early!! So find an XX and enjoy the credit crunch!

Cheers!!

FBT i.e. First Business trip a the New Co.

May was eventful ... by being a non event! Paradoxical you ask? Indeed - met several interesting folk, had great conversation, but, at the end, all a bit of a dampner on things. However, being the eternal optimist(sic), and my preferred quote from Lycidas, we shall persevere. Also the US seems to be happy hunting grounds ;-)
Professionally things started looking up - the trip to the US of A finally materialised and here I am in Sunny New York (well .. across the river at any rate), gazing fondly upon the ESB spire peering from the Manhattan Skyline!
The trip itself was mildly interesting - wonder of wonders, the co passenger was someone who had spent some time in Dar and had been there recently with his kids to relive old memories. So it was great getting updates on the city, the new resorts, the catamaran to Zanzibar, the night life, the sea side at Oyster bay and the general commercial landscape! The 9 hr flight flew and in between the 40 winks, one managed to run through a fair selection of in-flight movies.
Note: Cloverfield is avoidable. Particularly if you have seen Godzilla or have had a meal.
The flight landed on-time at LHR and after a brief chat with the doctors at Surrey, I boarded the next Virgin flight to EWR. As luck would have it, the co-passenger was a college sociology major named Polly, who was heading out to "Camp America" to teach dance for 3 months! Sweet kid (or sizzling platinum blonde - depending on which side of 30 you are at) , if a bit paranoid about her luggage, the US, the weather and the inflight entertainment! But made good conversation and time flew.
Finally the flight landed at EWR and an hour later (the Customs and Immigration weren't too bad either), rendezvoused with cousin A and off we went to Edgewater! And the festivities began.... Soon, it was early morning and we slept...to be woken bright and early by the elder chuha. It was good to be here - after a sumptupus breakfast one started off to troll the neighbourhood, and see first hand, the effect of the real estate crash.... and the opportunities therein! let me not describe this, will put up pictures if I manage a camera soon (the current shortlist is a Nikon D60 with 2 lenses available from Costco). evening saw us at Queens, great evening with friends, excellent biryani and accompaniments and generally shooting the breeze, discussing golf, economy and recession... the day capped off with a short snooze in the "car" (this is a complete misnormer - the truck is a 4.6ltr behemoth, belting out an impressive 400bhp and the size of an avarage Bombay apartment, or larger, Nissan Armada). But then the cousins are somewhat tall people, 6 something and Dee is 5'9"...and there are 2 kids...
So this is how the first working day dawned..started with sorting out my local phone..then figuring out the laptop adapter... and then the calls. Now its lunchtime and all work is done, except lunch so I am off to cook. Reminds me of my freelancing (and free wheeling) days...the freedom, the excitement of entrepreneurship, and not having to worry about time!

So Ciao Ciao, maybe this too portends happier times....who knows? Maybe Atlanta does?

Semi-permanent retirement

While it has been fun writing all these years (2005 onwards), such creativity(sic) is at cost. So I am now headed into semi-permanent retirement and will spare you lot a fair bit of drivel; unless I find some inspiration in which case you lot will come back for some more punishment.......
Till then, ciao ciao. Have a nice Weekend, week, month and rest of the year.

Cheers All

p.s. with the exodus of the writer there is little need for the visit tracker so that has been removed to keep you all safe..

How to Quit Chocolate in One Easy Step

Step 1: Get a boyfriend.

This applies only to women - Men do not have a problem with chocolate - being the wiser gender, have decided long ago to get all their empty calories from Beer. More importantly, no one really wants a cure for their addiction…

However, swiftly getting back to the mentioned topic: getting a bloke isn't that difficult but getting one who would make chocolate unpalatable is a challenge.

But First lets look at why would anyone want to quit delicious, yummy, after8esque, lindtlicious, flakesque delight:

1. You will a live longer and healthier life with emphasis being on the word healthier. You may still die from over indulgence in [fill in your next favourite vice] but, your teeth would be healthy. All the chocolate that is left over can be put to better use.
2. Which brings me to my next point: Fun in the biblical sense: Here's what you do. Take the saved chocolate and melt it while mixing some full cream milk (An alternate recipe is here). [Do not microwave it – that will burn it and it would be any good -this was learnt the hard way.] Take three fingers (i.e. cool the syrup and dip three fingers in it) and have a drink (some ½ bottle of red wine or two tequila shots should do it). Then have another drink and remove your fingers from the syrup along with copious quantities of chocolate. Undress your bloke/babe. How to instructions can be found here. Now, this is important – especially if you aren't the creative kind (like me): draw Red Indian war paint patterns on said object of affection. This involves suitable patterns (three kinds, circles, straight lines and squiggles) - used liberally but without overdoing it. Then use your organ which has a sense of taste and proceed to lick the chocolate clean. Note: Use brown sheets or handcuffs so that linen/carpet is reusable. End result: you will burn 2000 calories!
3. You will save paper/ the planet: All chocolate comes wrapped (which is why it is such an aphrodisiac - see undressing point above) hence not buying chocolate would save wrapping. You could buy in bulk, save wrapping and GOTO 2.
4. Health: the aforementioned bloke will have to come up with something creative on anniversary/1^st date anniversary/1^st kiss anniversary/ 1^st night over anniversary/1^st fight/1^st Anniversary of the time when you both noticed the neighbour's telescope and so on. Apart from keeping the said bloke on toes, it will spare yours – cellulite will disappear.
5. Intimacy issues: 'Kissing a chocoholic…this is actually a good thing this is one reason why chocolate is good. Feed chocolate – feel good – do better ;-)

So..back to the how-to or dummies guide to quitting chocolate.

Get an athletic bloke. This individual will tell you "I enjoy dining out". What this will really mean: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food (including chocolate – logic being, the more the calories the better it is). You will never feel you have overeaten: with the amount of food he eats, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison! This will lead to a terrible complex due to watching said athletic bloke eat desserts and not gain any weight. You will therefore stop eating chocolate.

Get a Banker. You will have nothing to do except go to parties (funded by the other's employer) where you will only see air kissing arm candies. You will get complexed and stop eating till you turn size zero. You will be a basket case and by this time you probably think all food is optional.

Dump the geeky bot-friend. This is the bloke responsible for your "being comfortable with yourself" as he makes no demands, AND got you the chocolate in the first place. In addition is attentive to your needs (chocolate slabs), wants (chocolate flakes), desires (syrupy chocolate) and fixes your hard drive/home WiFi while keeping you in pirated software/movies/robotic carpet wacker(this is probably his idea of kinky sex).

So.. Happy Quitting and may I get to lick some chocolate – and may you get some chocolate licked chocoliciously.

How to quit smoking in one easy step

Step 1: Quit

That's it. Just get up one morning and say you quit. Throw the sticks/pack out of the window or in the loo and stop smoking. This is quitting smoking in on easy step.

However, like in everything else, there is more to it than meets the eye and therefore the quitting issue may be analysed:

Firstly, why quit? Ha ha! you say – the government told us that's why! Well, for a change the shenanigans are right but lets delve deeper into the advantages of quitting:

1. You will a live longer and healthier life with emphasis being on the word healthier. You may still die from over indulgence in McDonalds but, your lungs would be healthy.
2. You can also run – this would be useful in catching yourself a suitable partner. Frivolous as it may sound, exercise + lack of nicotine/tar is a winning combination for a healthy relationship; and is known to guarantee immense satisfaction.
3. Definition: of the muscular variety. As you being exercising (now that you have quit and you can), body starts to get toned making you one attractive peacock!
4. Climate Change: everyone knows that this is killing the planet. However, with news laws on smoking inside buildings coming up everywhere, you will have to leave the building to get that oooh so desirable drag! And it WILL be uncomfortable – hot/humid/freezing/cold or plain and simple smoggy. Also you will need to give up your lunch break for the pleasure.
5. Intimacy issues: Improve your snogging coefficient! Mint flavoured breath is always bettern than Virginia Slims!
6. You can smell: this is critical. Smoking kills your sense of smell. Chances are "The One" will waft by and you will never know… because you cannot smell them. For professional opinion see here and here.
7. And last but not the least: Money! You save minimum ₤360 per annum or more depending how expensive a smoker you are! That, in PPP terms, the exact cost of a Canon 400D Digital SLR Camera with lens! So every year, that gadget or that holiday or that loverly dinner for two or those 3 weekend getaways or that mortgage repayment …comes free!

However, you will, like any other addition, not find it easy. The withdrawal is going to be rough so be prepared. Inform near and dear ones that you will be:

1. Short : anxiety, anger, restlessness (this comes from all the time you save from not smoking)
2. The odd (hunger?) cramp and return of an appetite are not totally unexpected. This could also have something to do with your olfactory senses reawakening.
3. DO NOT and I repeat Do Not take any decisions in this period – they are likely to be something you will regret. Focus being the key, do everything, but one at a time.
4. Exercise and drink lots of water (3-4 ltrs a day): This will prevent any weight gain you have from said appetite AND will remove toxins faster!
5. Finally get a friend. Crucial when you hit the lows. This might also help you decide who that friend is ;-)

Actually this piece applies to any habit one tries to kick – be it a person, alcohol, sloth, and other milder addictions.....

Cheers

Reverse Telecommuting is the only solution......

In addition to being in a rather foul mood all day [with the sole exception of the period between 1530 hrs and 1700hrs where the quality of water cooler humour and the quality of coworkers (cow orkers???) peaked], there are these goons who have somewhat held Maximum City to ramsom. This is not entirely a bad thing as whenever there is some trouble in MaxCty, work stops and the entire office going population becomes one giant rumour mill.... the last one I heard was "The Cell Phone Networks have been Jammed to prevent trouble".... er..and jammed networks would be? The reaction to crisis is borders on bizarre with people eagerly wait for almost any excitement - usually of the negative kind and for empirical evidence one has to but look at the media headlines .
So, in that eternal search for an honest answer to life's questions (best tackled over a hot cup of sugarless tea and the ubiquitous "बरुन अंॉणी मस्का") one parked at the den for a few extra hours which only added to the general irritation with the world at large and some individual(s) in particular. However, just when the dark clouds (never quite understood the usage of this phrase in India- Dark Clouds are a good thing in these parts; its the Tide one worries about much like the ones referred to by Sir Walter e.g "..... that the last tide had risen considerably above the usual water-mark" from The Antiquary) Maddox brightened up the day with Fashion tips for women from a guy who knows dick about fashion.

This is an interesting way of exploring a popular concept - the usage of tide by Sir W. is intriguing as it is diverse - so far I have come across at least 4 works where he has used "tide" i.e. Jock o Hazeldean, Lochinvar, The field of Waterloo and already mentioned, The Antiquary. So, with the day suitably brightened, its back to Yoga, Skipping and a Long Walk. And need to prepare for the next (day's?) rants and find vent for my general and specific disgruntlements.

How to Succeed at work and other irrelevant suggestions....

Dear Readership,

I am back with even more disagreeable stuff which will mostly be intelligible...partly due to your stupidity and partly due to mine. However, we are all in the same boat this week so let me start by dishing out some second hand advice... this one would be useful to several of you and I shall just provide the link here...please to be browsing:

1.How to undress for sex

2. Sex Shockers: Everything you know about sex is only a first step. Most advice for couples doesn't go far enough—as a result, basic truths about long-term passion are surprising.

3. How to Have Great Sex: Ten keys to great lovemaking, including the having right attitude, communicating and loving your body.

Now that you have finished reading this at work (and your network admin's web security is smoking by now) you might find the next bit particularly useful.....

the following are Richard Moran’s Career Success rules (you find these in almost every office) and my added two bit.

1. Business is made up of ambiguous victories and nebulous defeats. Claim them all as victories: Example: We didn’t lose this contract, it was just an expensive lesson in choosing the right strip joint to entertain the client at....
2. Keep track of what you do; someone is sure to ask. Also helps create an alibi in case there is a security breach. Also helps create alibi’s where there are none (particularly useful when the most interesting movie has tickets available for the 1400 hrs show)
3. Be comfortable around senior managers, or learn to fake it. Basically walk into their chamber and say “Gotta brewski dude?”
4. Never bring your boss a problem without some solution. Unless you are the problem. In which case become invisible till the boss can find someone else to blame!
5. You are getting paid to think, not to whine. Unless its for a raise..in that case it becomes a chicken and egg story where you whine, get paid, stop wining till the next time….
6. Long hours don’t mean anything; results count, not effort. Also no pay is worth the girlfriend’s ire…
7. Write down ideas; they get lost, like good pens. Also helps you keep in touch with the written word minus spell check.
8. Always arrive at work 30 minutes before your boss. … and leave 10 minutes after s/he does (this will also help with 6)
9. Help other people network for jobs. You never know when your turn will come. Also it will reduce competition. The same rule applies to personal life – the best way to remove competing males is to help them find girlfriends alternatively convince them they are gay – this will remove competition …in pairs!
10. Don’t take days off sick—unless you are. Sick includes “Sick of Boss” “Sick of Work” Sick of own whining”
11. Assume no one can/will keep a secret. (You can use this for your advantage too – start a rumour about the company and cause panic – this will ensure swift promotion/raise.)
12. Know when you do your best—morning, night, under pressure, relaxed; schedule and prioritize your work accordingly. This refers to work and not S_X. In case of latter, try to have less variation in performance.
13. Treat everyone who works in the organization with respect and dignity, whether it be the cleaner or the managing director. Don’t ever be patronizing. Be sarcastic instead. This will make people avoid you and result in less work. Also their low self esteem (because of your caustic comments) may be beneficial.
14. Never appear stressed in front of a client, a customer or your boss. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: In the course of human events, how important is this? (Its kind of a toughie, if u r really stressed out, ofcourse u should never do that before customer). Instead, appear stressed at home – this will help ward off the girlfriend’s ire at having forgotten the …1. _____ 2________3.________4_______
15. If you get the entrepreneurial urge, visit someone who has his own business. It may cure you. Better still, encourage colleagues to become self-employed. This will also help with the promotion/raise.
16. Acknowledging someone else’s contribution will repay you doubly. But Always claim responsibility in private with the boss!
17. Career planning is an oxymoron. The most exciting opportunities tend to be unplanned……...as are most disasters. Reputation is a carefully built pyramid – pay attention to what the others are saying. The proceed to malign them.
18. Always choose to do what you’ll remember ten years from now. The only think I can think of is sex..but then that’s the only thing I can thin k of anyway….
19. The size of your office is not as important as the size of your pay cheque. Eventually size does matter…
20. Understand what finished work looks like and deliver your work only when it is finished. ..but take your time. It SHOWS you have put in a lot of effort ;-)
21. The person who spends all of his or her time is not hard-working; he or she is boring. Always try different stuff..break the monotony….step out of your comfort zone… kinky sex IS better …..
22. Know how to write business letters—including thank-you notes as well as proposals. Articulation is the key to communication …otherwise one has to use sign language where chances of “lost in translation” are really high!
23. Never confuse a memo with reality. Most memos from the top are political fantasy. At the same time a note from the significant other is NEVER to be ignored….there are at least 3 lines in between the lines!
24. Eliminate guilt. Don’t fiddle expenses, taxes or benefits, and don’t cheat colleagues (or the current). You will be screwed over and not in a nice way….
25. Reorganizations mean that someone will lose his or her job. Get on the committee that will make the recommendations…..
26. Job security does not exist…. …
27. Always have an answer to the question, “What would I do if I lost my job tomorrow?” Move to Maldives?
28. Go to the company Christmas party….
29. Don’t get drunk at the company Christmas party…… make sure the Boss gets drunk first..at the very least yo will know what She thinks of you!
30. Avoid working at weekends. Work longer during the week if you have to…. Preferably don’t work at all…
31. The most successful people in business are interesting…...its in the confidence..its also amazing how much you can get away with if you are confident.
32. Sometimes you’ll be on a winning streak and everything will click; take maximum advantage. When the opposite is true, hold steady and wait it out….
33. Never in your life say, “It’s not my job.” ….sometimes its good to let the other person get in the (driver’s) seat.
34. Be loyal to your career, your interests and yourself. Being loyal to the counterpart may help your bank balances at a future date too ;-)
35. Understand the skills and abilities that set you apart. Use them whenever you have an opportunity. (So important, don't be afriad of giving out your ideas and opinions, even if they are negative).. Also constructive Criticism is over rated…
36. People remember the end of the project. As they say in boxing, “Always finish stronger than you start.” Also finish when you are supposed to….. not late and ..certainly not early… after all, in certain things in life…..speed is not everything!

Mates...

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article3283690.ece#cid=OTC-RSS&attr=2015164

I like The Times (this is not Slimes of India but THE Times published in the Queen Liz's lands). Not only do they sound rational and fair (mostly), they also let fly some soul(sic) searching articles on what else… mate hunt! So while I have some more time to kill and hence read. This is an interesting take on the issues that govern all (wo)mankind (particularly those north of 29) and it talks of the trials and tribulations of a mate hunt (as opposed to what they describe as "sperm-bandits"). The moot question, as the title suggests is, Where have all the men gone?

British women in their thirties want mates. They can't find any. Why? Because most eligible males are selfish, mixed-up man-boys chasing no-strings sex, says our correspondent.

This presupposes a few things:

1. Women of other creed/nationality do not want mates

2. Most ineligible males are not selfish (i.e. committed man is more likely to be a love rat)

3. Boyish charms have gone out of fashion

This is a somewhat local broadsheet so they are entitled to their opinion. Also being of the sex at the receiving end of this article, I can hardly profess an unbiased outlook J

So they say that men start of as men and then degenerate into (wild) boys. Now I am not sure this is a bad thing and it sure would help if some of the women too degenerate(sic) from women into girls J The prime problem in England (or the Larger UK) seems to be the intense desire of women to get the blokes to commit and the intense desire for the said blokes to run away from such commitment – a clash of interest as it were. The blame, apparently, doesn't lie with the said fickle, love rat bloke but with the large media where, and I quote "And we wonder why men are afraid to commit, when women like me are depicted as hormonally charged sperm-bandits interested in nothing beyond the urge to have a child".

Also, this phenomenon seems to be restricted to the land of the English where, the whole living loose and fast thing seems to increase with age, particularly with the blokes (male camaraderie beer session etc). I can certainly vouch for this one having keenly observed the pre-mate rituals in both England and India – in India, the sex ratio(n) (see Club of 69 post) ensure the Yin-Yang balance, mostly in favour of the Yin. Also there seems to a general disagreement on the utility of younger versus older blokes – in India the younger blokes are considered good for sex and are rather "sweet" in a tail-wagging-puppy sort of way while the older fellows are deemed more charming/caring/treat-object-of-affection- well. The Brits OTOH tend to be great friends, but, "admit that they are rubbish boyfriends. Interestingly, they also agree that this wasn't always the case". AND most seem to have been in therapy! What did you do to these fine blokes in their twenties!?!?!? There is of course this whole demand supply thing which tends to turn 360 degrees in favour of men after the age of 36 – the number of single women increases relative to the number of single men who, in different fits of depression (induced by not having found a mate), have drunk themselves to an early grave. UK stats – 100 girls to 108 boys at birth – by mid teens its 1:1 and , statistically, post that it would reverse in favour of men. There are other interesting stats which you may read on your own – tastes preferences etc… which are so over analysed that they are dull and boring.

Now all this male bashing (Emotional stunting post 30, wild fellows screwing themselves to an early and lonesome grave etc….) was taken exception of by one Mr.A.Clover Esq. Who has raised some pertinent points (I will quote liberally):

1.Men are scared: their women will make them throw out their comics, their motorbikes and their dreams of writing novels! Bikes and Dreams I understand… Throw out COMICS!!! Where Bat Girl and Super Girl do Lex Luther….sorry another media J

Also the targeted acquisition is simpler than it appears to be and the following rules apply :

1. "It doesn't really matter which type of man you go for – younger, older, divorced. What matters is that you go for him". Particularly in the UK where the demand supply equation has shifted to the LHS.

2. The divorced man is more realistic and therefore practical.

3. The older man just wants someone who won't shout at him.

4. If it takes her two minutes to get into the car, she's ideal.

5. Alternatives is the Man-Boy where the suggested (cunning) strategy is: wait for him to call but, when he does, you must be devoted and give him glorious sex in flattering lighting.

The rest of this traitor's (to his gender) rantings are far too dangerous to be propagated over the net except the closing statement: "Try not to worry about what happens. Remember, there are also loads of men like me: the ones who hatched, and still went bad. We wish you luck. We wish you love. We'll see you by the swings in five years"[1].

Footnote: Interesting comments from readers of critiqued article!

• Just wait for the married ones to get divorced.: Bruno, NYC, (very practical! Er… how long? Or should one preempt it? ;-))
• Morrissey put it well: "If you're so funny, why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining, why do you sleep alone tonight?" Perhaps single women should think what they could do to make themselves more appealing to men as potential partners. here's a clue: it has nothing, or very little to do with beauty, grooming, clothes etc - and a lot to do with being patient, kind, trusting, generous and interesting. All of which men have to do as well, of course. : D. Miller, London, (sane advice! Lets sell our collective stock in L'oreal!)

Usual Disclaimer Applies

---

[1] CLOVER A, Andrew Clover's Dad Rules is published by Penguin in May

SOS, Your Place (or mine) and a wireless keyboard....

So the computer Bug strikes again! I already have repertoire of 4 machines... one is an 8 year old assembled box and the others are all Dell. Most people dont like dell - but I buy them for their service and response - hassle free. With due respect to George Orwell, all machines are born equal but some are more equal than the others. So here is how it went down - a friend had a requirement for a PC. The last one had died after one attempted to resuscitate a 5 year old Viao with minor improvements such as Skype and complex activities such as "Defrag". Hence one was duty bound to assist the said de-pc'd individual get their virtual life in order. Personal interest was hopefully their 'communication" would improve. This one has a basic issue with eye contact you see ;-)
So the first step was to talk to Dell or rather their website java which has an Orwellian personality. The "Machine" insists on a few things - such as getting one of their blokes to unpack the box and connect the wires ..for the princely sum of $20. As far as hourly rates (=$80/hr) go - this one is the best ROI!! So anyway, after much research on mundane things like Second life (did I mention "virtual" earlier?) the configuration was decided i.e.

1. Small hard Drive - another one to be added later or keep an external one
2. 19"Flat Panel - must do for graphics / Gaming / TV!
3. Wireless key board and mouse (but of course if one wants to surf from the Bed ;-))
4. The innards were a bit more interesting - a C2D Proc. running at 2.6 Ghz. Should do the trick
5. A 256MB ATI radeon 2400 something - this is good. In addition to the TV tuner card (TV input into the comp), there is a TV out card as well! So now the Second Life / Torrent / DVD / Digital Media can all be streamed to the TV!!
6. Sound is not an issue either - A525 Speakers with the sub woofer are cool! and if you need more juice - just drag a cable to your existing sound machine!!
7. With other assorted features (8 USB ports etc etc), the thing has a rather sleek design - the size of a vertical coffee table book.

So what else is needed (other than the usual stablised power supply, wifi etc).. hmm lets see.. a Game Controller? Halo// and yes Lots of Music! Several Movies! Remote IP Web cam! Music/Media Bridge!

And yes ..a bed. for one it is pointless having a wireless key board unless one has a bed. A large room would do as well but then one would also need a 30 inch monitor which kind of turns the whole thing into a tech monster.

Now with the bed what could one do? Ha ha.. really... what does one do in a bed - Sleep, and shag!! One could also read but then that wouldn't require a wireless key board. During the said nocturnal activit(ies), you could play instructional videos and get the moves just right, cut to appropriate music in the interludes... starting with Mozart .. capping off with Beethoven for afters ;-). and if you are slightly deficient in the imagination department, SOS a friend for help.. Over Google Talk!

Conversation:
[background Music Mozart]
Clueless: Help! Help! Help!!!!!!
Good Friend (not getting any action): WTF! Weren't you busy tonight???
clueless: Yes exactly! W.T.F. do I do next!??@?#?$?$
Good Friend: Grab!
Clueless:what? GRAB WHAT?!?
Good friend: everything ;-)
[Crash bang (pun) other assorted sounds as the grabbing results in limbs mixing with power cords]

Cut to after
[Background Beethoven - power restored]
Said Date: Baby, that was positively electric!
not-so-clueless: [thinking with a satisfied grin] That wireless keyboard was a good investment :-)

Happy Weekend!
Enjoy!

Why do women get plastered at fancy dress parties?

Really..what a question. Another friend turned XX and had a party. Expectedly got plastered and I am dead certain that she was not in any fancy dress (the dress may have been fancy...must ask). So, among the legions of other ignoble research, this one probably takes the cake... for ingenuity. let me paint the picture: there is a professor who has a Null hypothesis: Is there is a rare situation where women will sink in more alcohol than men? The answer to that one is yes (guys please note) - fancy dress parties! Particularly those with sexual themes!
Why is this chief a genius? The madness lies in the method - to conduct this particular study, the man, Dr J Clapp, lead author of the researchers' report in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, breathalysed 1,304 people who'd enjoyed 66 student parties in southern California. And the beauty of the method - note the operative words "at the parties". so,"at the parties" Clapp and cohort found that alcohol consumption at such fancy dress parties was 50% higher. To the mathematically challenged, they polished off 12 pints insted of the regular 8!!
As per analysis from El Reg, Dr Clapp admitted that "as his team was unable to explain the surprise finding it would be necessary to carry out further field work", concluding: "Given that some theme parties can be highly sexualised, future investigation of the mechanisms that may explain this effect is warranted."

To sum, go look for sexually themed parties, ply the chicks with alcohol, then figure out how drunk they are?? On a University Grant?

Where can I sign up!!!

6 Point on the license and you are 3 points down...!!!!!

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse
So another one bites the dust - a friend turned XX......literally, aged and then fell over. While the physical aspects of their ageing is a good thing - sort of the same effect that is observed when one switches from |Bolivian Marching Powder to C. sativa subsp. sativa var. spontanea.

1. This allows one to keep up with the former live wires and still make profound statements at the end "Are you done? Already....?";
2. most people seem to loose their sense of humour (which I suppose is better than loosing all sense).
3. Now these fun lads and lasses (more the lasses than the lads) slowly, but steadily, mostly under the influence of mind altering stuff like Yoga, degenerate into self absorbed humourless people! However, the alcohol imbibing variety seem to recover somewhat after the 4th (this is another variation of ageing - alcohol free health nuts, with a dancing mania) so are slightly more tolerable.

However we digress. I am here to comment on "Daru ke Side Effects".

1. The first bit is energy. Alcohol is an energy drink. There are other assorted pills (blue or otherwise) which have the same effect but we are talking about good old C₂H₅......OH! Alcohol, once imbibed (usually leads to more imbibing), leads to carelessness. This leads to dancing, till wee hours, and thereafter an afternoon of nursing sore limbs (it gets worse in girls as said dancing is usually carried out in heels size of which is inversely proportional to the said female's height - something to do with centre of gravity thing I am told; the higher you go the harder you fall ).
2. The other effect is the Beer Bus! I would elaborate here the pitfalls of said bus effect - however one Travis's sister has elaborated on the same, rather eloquently I might add.. This also applies to the biggest question of them all "Why didn't he call" ;-)
   
3. Slammer: This is largely applicable to the fair city formerly known as Bombay. Alcohol + Driving will get you minimum 30 days in the slammer. So far some 2.5 denizens have been welcome guests at the government's finest accommodations at Arthur Road Jail. Those that got away are.. well.. mostly dead.
4. Choice makes a difference. A Vodka or A Whiskey helps. A beer on the other hand is a strict No No! Please note the emphasis on the article "A". It is in caps. This is also called chemically enhanced experience without "side" effects.
5. Excessive consumption is a good thing. After the 6th (usually with a lot of variety), you brain the pavement. Said pavement being in general disagreement with the said braining proceeds to protest. This protest results in said brains being a tad worse for the wear. This is good for your immediate gene pool.
6. Philosophy (and in extreme cases, Calculus). One spouts philosophy (even poetry in some cases - but then its usually in the abstract hence gibberish). One even has an eloquent self which emerges after the 3rd. However this usually a rant/rave about the other sex. More on said rant here.
   

So folks, the new year is here and we must get down to earth. May be a detour to the local wouldn't be such a bad idea ;-)

Cheers!