Finding onself a suitable mate the unconventional way

Swiftly moving along (or back) to my favourite subject.. Advertising for a mate (Or Spouse / Partner / Companion if you are posh). Unless you are in India, your experience with online dating sites cannot have been very good for one simple reason: the sites exist to make money not to find you a mate with big breasts or GSOH. Men, as a certain lady friend of mine tells me, have reason to rejoice.. there aren't enough single men around.. even in desh! Especially in the late 20's and 30's! A quick check of my current contacts confirms this (Hallelujah!)

While there are several reasons as to why you have not received a response (I suggest a good mirror, your Ex, or your banker), there are enough die hards who have found novel solutions to "hacking" the dating game! The largely uninteresting, but insightful "How To" guide has been put here.

In an ideal world this would be every computer nerds passport to buxom Latina haven!! However there are yet others who have taken a rather novel (and sometimes brutally frank) route to hunt!! These gems have been compiled by the London review of Books (why does all this happen only in the UK?)..

"Woman, 32, needful of the finer things in life seeks stinking rich bloke, 80-100, Must be willing to fibrillate his ventricles when he becomes tiresome or bankrupt or both. Also interesting thirty somethings for illicit, immoral affair to be conducted concurrently with the above."

100 marks for honesty... and my number as an added bonus!

Looking for restricted "mood elevators" bordering on illegal? Check this one out!

"Medication free after all these years!," says another, apparently from a psychiatric ward. "Join me (anxious, overweight, self-harming flautist, F, 34) for congratulatory drink (or seven) in side ward of nation's finest"

All my former partners (yes I am posh in case you haven't figured it out) have said they really appreciate honesty above all else in their fella... yeah right especially when they request one to hazard an opinion on your "multi coloured hair" or my personal favourite.. "do these clothes make me look fat"? However, I have been compelled to lie through my teeth in the interest of a healthy relationship (mostly my health).. but there is one fellow for those who really appreciate honesty - he advertises "Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53 seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite."

The other significant issue which invariably crops up in (usually after the 2and date) is the issue of being romantic. Naturally it is left to a guys imagination to figure out what that is (ha ha - for someone whose thought process usually revolves around complex decision making like deciding between Unleaded and Premium gas!). Some fellows normally rush back to their school English teachers to churn out some purple prose - however , there is this one bloke who seems to have outdone himself.. albeit rather late..

"67-year-old disaffiliated flaneur picking my toothless way through the urban sprawl, self-destructive, sliding toward pathos, jacked up on Viagra and on the lookout for a contortionist who plays the trumpet."

Now while in the UK, there was this concept of missed connections.. (for further info look ar the personals here).. I mean seriously.. a hot babe gets into the tube ... 67 guys immediately post a missed connection personal. However, our die hard optimist strikes again with this personal:

"You were reading the BBC in-house magazine on the Jubilee Line (12 November). I was coughing hot tea through my nostrils. Surely you can't have forgotten? Write now to smitten, weak-kneed, severely burned, bumbling F (32, but normally I look younger). I'll be quite a catch when my top lip has healed. And this brace isn't forever."

I believe the abbreviation ROTFL was coined for this chick!

Till later .. I have to compose my own "personals" ad....