Scenario 4 ...it is just plain rude!

So another weekend and another evening out. However one has been awakened from the slumber by a rather early call from the Dell folks. This time the reason was a cracked Bezel (direct result of an earlier service request) - but they have been prompt in replacing a part on a machine which isn’t sold in India (I bought this in the UK). So now I have a 2.5 year old machine with a new "top" i.e. the laptop's base is old. But all closed satisfactorily - screen fixed, cover replaced and the machine works fine.

The same can’t be said about technology though - and I have missed breakfast - so cannot be sedate about the whole thing. Technology is failing us on a a regular basis and we remain mute spectators to the takeover of the human race by silica (in all forms) and metal ;-) And this problem seems to be confined to various circuit boards (with add ons i.e. communication devices) whose masters are between the ages 31 and 33 .. Oh and female.

The problem itself can be defined as the Technology Bermuda i.e. ASSSOCIATED with the "triangle" and not the "shorts" - whatever passes at one end does not necessarily emerge at the other (or not in the same form at least). Main symptom being messages (in the form of calls / text over the cell phone/email / anti“social” networking etc etc) just seem to vanish in transit. Now I know these folk and they are rather stable, conscientious people with a high level of integrity (most of the time) and honesty (albeit self confessed) and cute, so they must have missed the message due to some electronic gremlin.

Now there could be several reasons for this -and I am guessing that no physics wizard has as yet managed to slow the flow of electrons / radio waves so communication sent over the wires and airwaves are pretty much instantaneously delivered. -The cause of this can be alcohol. Scenario one: message flashed - sender identified - adrenalin rushes - hands tremble - cell phone (the said slavish printed circuit board) dropped into a glass of martini - master (or mistress in proper English) mostly shaken and stirred - cell phone dead - message lost - ... forever.

This is a hardware issue...

Another scenario is a fancy phone... mistress being popular several messages clog the mailbox - said mistress then proceeds to chop chop... being an imperfect device (as opposed to the master mistress who is perfect) hangs beyond a point - mistress, already too hot to handle, blows several gaskets...attacks the "red button" with the ferocity of a she tigress who has just caught a "jackass" eyeing her "puppies".. Undesirable message + several desirable ones (presumably) are consigned to eternal damnation of the trash bin!

This is a software issue.....

Scenario three is mischief - virus (much like the A15 common cold virus) causes selective amnesia in the slave phone AND the mistress. Arrival of said message (in form of ringing / beeping) prompts a rather long and detailed query regarding the origination / originator of said missive. This is usually accompanied by an alcohol fuelled statement represented by "Who?". In cases of extreme familiarity the word is downgraded to a sound "Hmmm..." followed by suitable filing procedure (this is mental – pun?).

This is a malware issue....and the plot thickens. :::

So I say – off to finishing school with the device! Alternatively - shoot the messenger! Thus delightfully enlightened, I am off to be a part of other peoples plans..This new year there isn’t going to be any Baga or Bali.. But there are things to meet and people to do...

Ciao Ciao

Z

One for the Road

This one was left behind.. it was a picturesque "Cantina Dos Alfonsos" or the Canteen of the Alfonsos. Which is supposed to serve food and other provisions. Alas the only thing this one served was disappointment in all departments except Architecture and Asthetics. The Guesthouse attached looked very promising and its located right next to St Sebastian's. So if church bells are your thing, this would be a great place to stay - about a 10 min walk to Our Lady Church and Panjim; A short ride to Velha (or old) Goa, and generally a great place to be.

Medimix is the New Lifebuoy (Pronounced Life-Boy)

So 2 months capped in Bombay with a rather nice trip to the cool capital of India, Goa. In the interim, the journey has taken me through "Hotel Heavens" (nothing could be a bigger misnormer - the place is a dump and seems to believe that "Medimix" is an essential part of the Heavenly experience). More to the point, this is located inside an export processing zone (government's wisdom of disseminating largess). What this means is that the place dies by 2200 hrs and if one were to step out of the 12X14 hotel room, one may get shot.
Next stop was "Ashoke Delux Apartments" whose claim to fame was a canteen which served oily food. Other than that there was poor access to the place, internet and other amenities...but it was an apartment so one could drink in peace. The next stop (i.e. the third change in one month) was Lake H. i.e the company guest house - which is a collection of some 10 apartments which serve as transit acco for people. Nice place, food is great but god help you if you like a random midnight snack!! The main reason being that the company's trust level vis-a-vis its minions is the same as the love and affection between Narendra Modi and Sonia Gandhi. net result - keys are with the caretaker ironically names "Ramsevak" (loosely translated Servant of (a) God) - sample pics of the "Den" are as below - a 360 degree view:

Room by the lake

So currently one is parked in this den, where the Internet is limited but the food is great - if rather homely. The local crowd isnt very pleasing but then living out of a suitcase (Sideways - don't get any ideas re: suitcase and elantra) has its advantages - d0nt need to be polite to immediate neighbours!
So anyway, the second month in Bombay was capped off with a rather spiffy trip to Goa. The place of lodging was Panjim Inn, Fontaihas, Panjim, Goa. To give a background, this part of Goa has been preserved as a live heritage site, complete with a resident community, brilliant, traditional homes and a quaint little church, St.Sebastian's, to complete the picture. Unfortunately no camera was taken. This turned out to be a good thing as there was no pressure to take "Patel Snaps" and no tourist agenda. Life slowed, we unwound, and had a great time in the process. Day one was lovely..after a rather delayed "Spice"Jet, landed in warm Goa for the 30 min cab ride to the Inn. Relaxed with some sandwiches ( ;-) ) and then headed out to town, which turned out to be a walk..en route discovered a lovely restaurant ( i forget the name but its close to the Patto Bridge on Ourem Road otherwise known as the 31st January Road - btw this place also has an 18th June road.. what next? 9th January Road??? I know of one individual who would be rather pleased with that!). Dinner at this place was great (Caramel Custard didn't pass muster..neither did the cheese sandwich from the hotel) - I ordered some Goan, and then proceeded to guzzle 2 cubes of butter, much to the horror of present company... before that some alcohol was purchased so after dinner, the party moved to the Inn. Which had all the ingredients.... Wi....e, Wo..an, So..g.. and what a blast!
So the next day dawned and a short walk into town (on sunday) convinced us that that was a waste of time... even the art deco place attached to the hotel was closed. But, in the evening, one Nos. Scooter was organised for the customary trip to Baga - the name synonymous with Partying! The scooter ride was great - cool, with cool people - reached Brittos and parked next door at Oceanic where the music was great. En route, picked up some food at ....... (reader please fill in in comments).. The location was brilliant! Sea side (i.e. beach), a table, some mom-batti, a well mixed whiskey, some decent music and an advancing tide! After a bit this prompted the change to another venue (We were looking for a dancing, music, place) but alas, after turning off at the Calypso, we found one deserted beach shack after another... and therefore settled down to a quiet evening with drinks, the sea, the waves and some music. Highpoint of the evening was when present company ordered some tea and Naan! His expression was priceless! At some point, the night unwound, and the trip back was as nice... fond memories of the carefree days relived etc. Night caught up..

Fontainhas, Panjim, Goa

unfortunately the morning came rather early in the form of one WES (people have nothing better to call up holidaying people at 0800!!) and Naik II, the scooter vendor coming to collect his able steed..! So breakfast at the Inn followed by a quiet stroll in the city and eventually lunch and sleep at the INN... evening being reserved for dinner at Fidalgo Mirch Masala - a very touristy place with average food..but the evening was good, strolling around Panjim (Inn), forward, backward, sideways....and then the Midnight Mass at St.Sebastian's - which was rather disappointing as the service was average and the resident priests did not touch upon any of the contemporary issues other than a passing reference to the commercialisation of Christmas (he objected to Santa Clause) and the general atmosphere of hatred across the world. So the night capped off with a well deserved sleep and the morning, as usual, started off with a bang! But then checkout time came swiftly upon us, prompting a rapid exit towards mandovi hotel... where, the cheese sandwich didn't pass muster, so toast was ordered, and the cheese transferred to the toast... as a result I overate - but, as the food settled in, and conversation flowed, the traffic noise drifted into the distance and time flew..and it was time to say bye to beautiful Goa.. The return trip was great.

Till next time......

Footnote: The new loudspeaker is the cellphone!

9 Words Women use - And some....

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Even if you are right, you'd better shut up or its going to cost you: materially or otherwise.

(2) Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. Also this is when a game of Russian Roulette starts to look increasingly attractive.

(3) Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. This also means that there is trouble in paradise - best get a coat and step out to the pub  - the beer will lessen the pain which is sure to follow.

(4) Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! Or you should actually do it, it isnt like a russian roulette, more like standing in front of a cannon and then lighting the fuse.

(5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.). At this point you should also sigh - this will buy you time as it will confuse the hell out of her as to why you are sighing; meanwhile you can run through the list of potential misdeeds and narrow down to the most likely 3.

(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake - and the longer the thinking, the more devilish the retribution (and yes I do mean the co...)

(7) Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever"). Thanks so much is fake - it is merely an attempt to appear nice so you (the said idiot) can be touched up for further favours.

(8) Whatever:Is a women's way of saying F**K<http:///> YOU! Extension would be do whatever the F*&$# you want. One bloke misinterpreted this and ended up putting his beloved on the market - refer to the souped up Nissan in one of the earlier posts.

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3. When a man says this - you can be rest assured its already been done and the counterparty need not bother - this statement, with regards to men, is largely associated with things technical or mechanical or, in some cases, financial.

Please note that even if you internalise all this, it will most likely not help you. The googly is association of past misdeeds with the current one i.e. equating veggie shopping (or lack thereof) with premium unleded for her car....

The only solution: be a man about it and take it on the chin .. Girls, give up. It aint getting any better.
Cheers

Love chatting? Your online suitor could be a comp

Love chatting? Your online suitor could be a comp
Now this is hilarious - not the mere fact that the humble Eliza style chatbot has evolved, that its flirting. I suspect this is evolution in its true form - largely stemming from women disappointment in men - so a machine steps in! Emperical proof - men are loosers - ever heard of any woman, whatever quality, called a looser? Even in countries with an adverse (ha ha - what a poor choice of words) sex ratio! Now the article goes on to say that the programme can chat up upto 10 women at a time without any one realising that that's a machine.. this is truly evolution - can you show me one guy who can chat  up 10 women, even serially, successfully? No you cant!
i also suspect that the women, subconsciously, THEY KNOW! They just want to feel they are in the company of the perfect man!
However this bodes ill for the menfolk... lets see.. all porn for men, all sex toys for women therefore, men are satisfied with porn and women are satisfied by rabbits of various hues ;-).. now just imagine the chatbot is merged with a rabbit..... Shudder Shudder... (The words love and machine take on a whole new meaning here!)
So on that scary  note and the fact that some blokes were shot dead a few hundred meters from my current residence, I am off to make amends and, hopefully, put a couple of rabbits out of employment.

Cheers all

Parting Shot

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it....Oscar Wilde

Blogged with Flock

Voice Disabled Human

Right so Friday is here--- unfortunately not for the United States which means that being a subordinate super power (1bn people ostensible qualify us), we now have to wait till 1830 hrs to talk to "Them". But all for the glory of God Corporate   - we shall wait and sacrifice quality drinking time, which, at the time would be productively spent hanging about in the traffic (en-route to the Pub) But all is not lost … unless you count my voice – which seems to have a mind of its own.  What I thought was a cold coming on, turned out to be a case of Laryngitis. Now this is necessarily a bad thing when one has a point to put across –unless one is Italian in which case you are born with the knowledge of sign language. In that case, simply gesturing will do. Otherwise it's a major pain..can't even have a decent verbal duel with .. well anyone who doesn't know the morse code (though at this point I probably sound like the Morse Toad – Dit Dot Croak…Dot Dit Croak or something which sounds close).

However, loss of (comprehensible) voice isn't half as bad as the loss of the rare weekend pleasures (and no, I do not refer to real pleasures – merely the chemical induced alteration of reality i.e. Beer) – from the looks of it there wont be any serious drinking happening either. So to recap – can't shout, can't talk (tried but the morse code went out of the main stream with the advent of the telegraph, cant drink (permaloss of voice is not a good thing   - all that articulation down the drain), so I have decided to watch….movies. Several of them… even B and C grade ones in me repertoire…TV series… anything that has moving people in it. … also there is the Christmas weekend to plan…so rest is desirable.. Goa is great at this time… even though there are complications to handle….it should be fun…hopefully voice enabled….

At this point one would launch into a soliloquy but it would merely sound like a … well.. croak..

 

Or maybe there are other activities which do not require making comprehensible noises.. ;-)

 

 

Eventful Day(s)!!

Well for one there are two posts today... and for second, my exercise routine seems to be a bit over the top...involuntarily! Last night I restarted the running (princily distance of 3kms - to be verified)


View Larger Map

So anyway the running aside, the guesthouse internet connection proved to be a boon... my webcam, mic and assorted internet communication devices are in action and I get served quality tilk (this is tea with milk) at 2330 hrs :-)
The downside is what I experienced this morning - to get breakfast one had to climb up 20 floors (and then down 20 floors) - reliance energy deciding to play spoilsport early in the morning (this also kind of defeats the whole purpose of being in this city. Evening was uneventful - run @ 8, Dinner @ 9, and at 10 figured that friend had kissed the wrong end of a Truck, while friend's car was worse for the wear, friend's nose was OK (for the time being).

Nothing quite like a spot of disagreement in the evening eh? Unfortunately, the cup of tea is half full, as is the glass... no bar tender(ess?)around to refill... so I shall sign off. Tomorrow is a very light day (this is a good thing - I am planning to do nothing but plan for the Sunday run and the Saturday work drinks)....

Parting Shot...

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." (Anonymous)

Enjoy!

Life and Times at Social Networking

Social networking is a great thing and I have managed to connect with buddies (drinking or otherwise) through these contraptions(sic). While I agree that "age" mellows… postings like the one below lead me to strongly suspect that it's the significant other who is the real power behind the post. But, some of my "friends" are feeling a tad low and certainly need a leg up in a manner of speaking hence this post serves a dual purpose.

 

This is should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it everyday.

 

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
 

And just when one was beginning to loose hope in the tenacity of human (drinking) kind.. this follows:

'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway' -take a hard left and proceed quickly to the Kitchen enroute to the Bedroom, TV and PC Room.

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone. This one is obviously for the Girls - for blokes, replace rose with [insert preferred poison here].
 

Good friends are like stars.......though sometimes you need to be bonked on the head to see them.

 

When you see a glass half empty...ask the bartender for another round!
 

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt, and call me over!
 

So people, the key to happiness is a) reading points 1 through X in the morning and b) make friends with the bartender in the evening ;-)

Cheers all

Z

"It often happens that a player carries out a deep and complicated calculation, but fails to spot something elementary right at the first move." -- grandmaster Alexander Kotov --inscribed on gift chess sets given by Amaranth hedge fund.

P.S. RETURN TO SENDER 
Do you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'?  They smell better when you stop to mix them with candlelight, food and Remy Martin Fine Champge Cognac.

 

w00t!

That isnt quite how I feel at the moment... just went for a 3k run, have a cold coming on and basically feel wiped out! However, websters has decided to add numbers to letters for word compositions... yes w00t is spelled with 2 zeros! lament lament etc... but all said and done, I do feel we need to speak in ones and zeros ..just so we can communicate better with machines (thankfully one particular friend has given up the "texting" habit - unfortunately not replaced it with anything). Dear friend - please to be noting.
Further to ones ongoing battle to get people to look at me (no, I am not particularly distasteful).. Psychology Today has a cultural perspective on the whole thing. .. why japs emphasise their emoticons...Compare :-) with (^_^) and :-( with (;_;) - we learn a new thing every day. Do note the empnasis on the eyes..
Now I am being disturbed for random investment advice.. however the seeker of advice is current flatmate hence need to go. More later.

Adios Amigos..

Old order changeth,.... somewhat...

Well, after a month being (re)located in the Fynancyal (yes this city seems to have a serious case of corrupting names... ) capital, life is a tad slow. Now dont get me wrong, its rather comfortable, work is a 10 minute walk away ... office hours are good, even the work is tolerable (for the time being).. but the living situation is rather ...slow. The guesthouse is a 3rd floor flat. Air conditioning, 2 rooms, 3 TV's (differnt sizes), 2 remotes for the same (WTF??!?!) and for appliances, one Iron, one board, one refrigerator, one "fuzzy logic" washing machine (its a relief being away from the "power" laundrettes whose sole objective in life seems to be to convince one to get a new wardrobe)...
Now work.. excellent .. somewhat... the office has this bevy of youngsters.. spaced out (having worked Australia Time in India)..managers.. strained from battling Tech Support/ Admin and other animals inhabiting the corporate jungle... and yours truly... teaching all Derivatives (yes thats the kind of finance I do)
Now the other issue with this location (which btw is a more organised concrete jungle ..at best), is the location. It isnt really bombay (you dont get compressed en route to work)...therefore getting away is another issue - requires multimodal transportation - a TukTuk (alternatively known simply as an "Auto") - a WWII vintage Cab and possibly the Train. What goes for a train would put PoW camps to shame.. if one survices the biological assault (thic comes in variants, bacteria(usually found on the l load, aromas (not really, and zoombies (violent ones... found on all parts of the 1945 Virar "Fast" - fast being relative ...to a buillock cart)
However, drinking is good though prohibitively expensive... one colleague blew 12k (or about £150) on a drinking session for 2.
On the positive side - the trip back erstwhile home was great - one got to see the blue sky and indulge in pleasurable activities ;-) imbibe somewhat copious quantities of alcohol (absolutely necessary on the weekend) - discovered a variant on a prop. cocktail recepie (highly appreciated by the co-imbiber).
But... the internet is acting up.. so shall stop the tirade here. More shall come later (mostly because Google gives free space and readers cannot complain). So I shall sign off and wait for my sense of humour to return before I write. You all be good... hopefully not too good ;-)
Cheers!

wTF!

This whole return to civilisation has been rather uncivilised! Now even further removed from civilisation, one is bereft of basic necessacities ...yes you guessed it...internet! So till this is resolved...... Adieu.
word of the day: schadenfreud

Office Se# and other creativity :-)

Back from the break.. look at the alternative uses of .... (Yes this is not original... for the original post click through to typepad)

3. Against a filing cabinet. It might be noisy and it's possible that at least one of you will end up with handle marks imprinted in your buttocks; on the other hand, a naked break-dancing civil servant might jump out of the cabinet mid-way through, making the whole escapade less private but potentially more exciting, if you like that sort of thing."

....yes..right.... prevents carpet burns too ;-)

The world s weirdest cases - Times Online

The world s weirdest cases - Times Online

The Law is an ASS! Dont believe it? Hear this..

.....In 2005, the Massachusetts Appeals Court was asked to rule on when a sexual technique was dangerous. Early one morning, a man and woman in a long-term relationship were engaged in consensual intercourse. During the passionate event, and, without the man’s consent, the woman suddenly manoeuvred herself in a way that caused him to suffer a penile fracture. Emergency surgery was required. The court ruled that while “reckless” sexual conduct may be actionable, “merely negligent” conduct was not. It dismissed the man’s case.

Unless of course if you are an unmarried woman parachuting in Florida on a sundayin which case its the slammer for you!

Of course if the same woman came to Liverpool, it would be Ok for her to be topless (Yay!!)but only if she was clerk in a tropical fish shop!

Enough said... Happy Diwali all

Cheers

Airline Bans Sex on Flights | Weird Asia News

Airline Bans Sex on Flights | Weird Asia News

Well here's the question - What if you do? Do they throw you out? (Ha ha!) of the double beds? Restrict the champagne? or worse - Downgrade to coach! Really ..what is the point of a double bed in the sky if not.....

However, if you are an Indian woman, as per India today's recent sex survey, the SingAir's double bed rule is just the thing to keep the amorous bloke at bay (somewhat) ;-). While one can get the blurb at the india-today website - its a subscriber only access...

In unrelated information section - "Chesticles" (Yes this one comes from El reg again) are never going out of style and the second most sought after job is still going to be that of the measuring boy at the Indian "blouse" tailors (a custom made one is required for donning the Sari). As evidenced by the ourtage generated when a barmaid from Oz was fined several AU$$$ for crushing beer cans between her generous bulgarian airbags and hanging spoons from a "co-worker's" ........


Enjoy!

Cats and Scratch....

All you blokes out there.. here's another insight into the "feline" mind... Beware of .-----fill in the blanks--- who describe themselves as "cats".. Watch below for explanation ;-)



Cat Confused By Scratching - Watch more free videos

Confucius Says....

Myspace Confucius Says Graphics

Women s panties threaten Burmese Junta | The Register

Women s panties threaten Burmese Junta | The Register

While I am busy settling into the new setup (yes its tough.. day 2 I am expected at work at 1300 hrs.. oh the torture!!).. I feel dutybound to report this missive from El Reg. And C, please note the ingenuity of the protest..THIS is what one is supposed to do when miffed (in a non-imposing sort of way ;-))

More when I am back at 5..

Cheers All

you do not need a parachute to skydive. you only need a parachute to skydive twice!

and on a related note...

Sex is not the answer. sex is the question. "yes" is the answer.

Therefore

i think sex is better than logic, but i can't prove it.

Which I why one says

i don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path

So

cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. in other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat (or themselves).

but

if you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late

And.. (this is copied straight from somewhere else)



i've learned - that no matter how much i care, some people are just assholes.

i've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

i've learned - that it's not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.

i've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. after that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

i've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up that you think.

i've learned - that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person i want.

i've learned - you should always leave loved ones with loving words. you may need to borrow money.

i've learned - that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

i've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

i've learned - that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

i've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

i've learned - that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

i've learned - that money is a great substitute for character.

i've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

i've learned - that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.

i've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

i've learned - that maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

But, come to think of it, the reverse is also true.....


Enjoy!

Woman seeks rich husband, banker says crappy deal | Oddly Enough | Reuters

Woman seeks rich husband, banker says crappy deal | Oddly Enough | Reuters

That bit later.. but before that a short but wonderfully bizarre study on expletives..

Sample

Try reading-

red blue green blue green red

Easy. But this is much, much, harder:

red blue green blue green red

The reason is that, among literate adults (except some people I know who can neither be defined as literate nor qualify as adults), reading a word is such an over-learned skill that it has become mandatory: You can't will the process "off," even when you don't want to read the words but only pay attention to the ink. That's why you're helped along when the experimenters arrange the ink into a word that also names its color and slowed down when they arrange it into a name for a different color. A similar thing happens with spoken words as well.

Now try naming the color of the ink in each of these words:

cunt shit fuck tits piss asshole

Full details are in the article

why we curse... What the F***? by Steven Pinker

really????!?!? I think our cricketers do it much better..

On an unrelated note, and this one is pretty good, here's a tip for gold diggers (especially self-diagnosed pretty women), Honesty is NOT the best policy! For detailed financial analysis, refer to main link..

Cheers!

Delving into the female mind (sic)....

Looks lovely dosent it? The beauty! The muscle, the definition, the body! and just look at the add ons .....

• The Nissan Skyline GT-R (This one is a ScanSpecII one of only 4 In The World) made many more exotic rivals look a bit silly.
• What is Scan Spec II - This is a upgrade/branding dirivative of VSpecII - Scan Spec where our Boss Mr. Shelley Raja has "souped" up / "Overclocked" the cars to his own spec in partnership with RB Motorsport, and, like our Overclocked PC's is a Scan Company association.
• Here is a Supercar that could seat four in comfort, was blessed with a large boot and good reliability, yet could still lap the Nurburgring quicker than a Lamborghini Diablo.
• Four-wheel drive and four-wheel steering are just part of the equation.
• The R34 GT-R V-Spec (ScanSpecII) modified to approx 420BHp. Stage 1

480bhp... thats the power equivalent of 8 Suzuki Swifts'!

Lovely, so why is the bloke selling it?
I quote "Reason for Selling: Purchased without proper consent from the wife. Apparently "do whatever the F**K you want" does not mean what I thought."

Well, I am off for the evening pint. And to all you married / girlfriended Boy-racers, All the Best!

Tips to Avoid Foot Pain From High Heels

Tips to Avoid Foot Pain From High Heels

Now that I have your undivided attention, (regardless: do read the column above - i am sure it has many interesting tips) Please do not give up high heels - it is highly becoming of young women to wear these - the effect is akin to taj mahal and moonlight ... rest is a small price to pay for spreading joy and cheer to the mankind.

On an unrelated note, several of you have been trying to "blow" some life into the dying embers of "laptops" ... assuming the "power cord" has, by now, seen the "insides of a power socket", this is something additional to "perk up" the "dead batteries"

http://lifehacker.com/software/batteries/revive-a-dead-laptop-battery-in-the-freezer-308225.php

or watch here

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Revive A Dead Laptop Battery - Click here for more home videos


On a totally unrelated note...to alleviate suffering induced by a wayward (visiting) elder (aunts and the like)

Equipment required
1# nos large elder (mum or aunt)
1#nos. Measuring tape.
Some alcohol - this is necessary in case the scheme backfires.

Details of the experiment are here .... guaranteed to throw a scare

While the research was more relevant to Finnnish women, (I know one and they couldnt be more worng), I am sure can be applied to other mothers as well. Aftereffects of such an experiment include daughter-induced-worry which often results in the daughter being left alone (to "thaw and revive" said "laptop" and / or "batteries")

Footnote: Wonderful things these quotation marks... dont you think?

Enjoy!

He’s Happier, She’s Less So - New York Times

He’s Happier, She’s Less So - New York Times

Now this would come as a surprise to all (to me certainly) - while I have observed that women sometimes look stressed (nagging etc notwithstanding), I always assumed that women were happier! The whole game being lopsidedly biased in their favour... evidently not so. Even in pleasure seeking activities i.e. Bar some 6% of the time... your date/girlfriend/significant other...dosent like it. Books... some 10% of the time activity was decidedly unplesant?!?!? Visiting or hosting friends some 19% (or one in 5 times) found the activity unplesant! Computer use...13%.... TV/Video 21% (will watch 5 shows/movies and will absolutely hate at least one - namely Blood Diamond/Bourne Supremacy) ..and so on. Side question: Why do it in the first place??

This is a total mystery - however if the research results are true..that would explain a lot of frost which one need not have taken personally ;-) or may be there should be another research conducted which explores what men and women find doing unplesant ...together :-)
Alternatively..accept grief (being given) - it will be dished out not because you did something (this is true say 75% of the time - this will be implied) but its merely the law of nature.

Cheers all!

p.s. Keep a record and do your own research.. might turn up interesting results ;-)

p.p.s My dear SWF's do note the right column.. but PLEASE dont take it seriously :-)

p.p.p.s On a completely unrelated note (sic) - a digital proposal-with-ring box. Yes.. welcome to romance in the 21st Century!

Shape: The Horny Remover | Weird Asia News

Shape: The Horny Remover | Weird Asia News

As useful things go, this is probably not high on the priority list, but could be useful in ackward situations. lets see... Office Christmas Party, too much of fine corporate (read free) bubbly and suddenly the office geek (male/female) starts to look extremely hot! Feel you may let yourself go? Have no fear..reach for you personal "Horny remover" and rest safe in the knowledge you will not wake up next to E.T. the next morning.
Enjoy!

RSI

All you lovely RSI (and PC) afflicted people… this is a great resource to see how screwed up your sitting posture is…

http://www.ergotron.com/tabid/305/language/en-US/default.aspx

wrist in peace

Z

corrections, retractions, clarifications

Re: the recent post regarding communication (or lack thereof).. with regards to hints for women the following link must be used instead:

rough guide to...

And for evaluation purposed....

What You Are Really Doing ........

...while I go research the Alternative Hypothesis

And as a bonus, from the Shazia Mirza Weekly column.....

I have decided to have my garden done. My friend Christine recommended a man called Bob, who comes over

to do odd jobs such as turning my mattress, hanging up mirrors and cleaning my taps. Bob has been round three times now and I suspect he likes either me or my house. I don’t know anything about men. A man could rip my clothes off and sit on my face and I’d think – why’s he doing that? Bob is actually quite pleasant. I feel safe despite the large skull-and-crossbones tattoo across his neck.

Recently he's started to call me with meaningless stories about garden brochures and his van's MOT. It's not so much the brochures and the van that worry me, but the lingering looks he gives me when I walk downstairs in my fleece jogging bottoms and 10am shadow. I'm thinking I should dress like this more often.

I wish I could read the signals people send when they like each other. My antennae

are dormant. When I like someone, I just stare at them, follow them home and sit in my car looking up at their window all night.

Bob was round last week and my alarm clock went off. My parents bought me this clock from Bahrain. The alarm sound is the Muslim prayer call. As it went off he looked frightened and disturbed and asked where I'd got it from. I said, "Argos." He quickly gathered his tools and said, "I've got to be off now."

I haven't heard from Bob since. I think he's gone off to redefine the peace process in the Middle East.

The rest can be found here.. http://www.newstatesman.com/columns/shazias-week



Have a nice weekend you all (yes all you three...)

Cheers

WOMEN VS. MEN

WOMEN VS. MEN, originally uploaded by phelanparker.

One word - touché !

and in Machine Language....

The funny linux commands and their answers as per Linux

This should get the Geeky lot of you smiling ... and some others ;-) Reminds me of Eliza and the "Chatbot" game over at the Beeb, based on Hithikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Thanks to FrankMash for the work....Enjoy!

% cat "food in cans"

cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

To be or not to be.... that is the question

That title has nothing to do with my post. i am simply idle at the moment waiting for news to come in from various quarters....Things to meet, people to do, decisions to make-do ;-)

Rather than twiddle my thumbs (which in Internet parlance would translate to surfing random sites), I made a good start to my professional blog - an no, if you dont already have that link, I am not providing one to you. However, that was a good start to the week. The weekend wasnt that bad either - the city (water) logged out - 5 hr traffic jams etc. ..well it wasnt entirely good either as others traffic woes put paid to my own plans so Friday was restricted to drinks and dinner. On the whole this wasnt too bad as the service was great as was the food - and, wonder of wonders, place was largely empty.
So saturday started well, rather late. Having lounged about during the day conjuring up schemes to do in a few people who happened to have pissed me off (and to find ways of making up to people I happen to have pissed off - in an ideal mathematical world this scenario would require no action - pissed off would neutralise the boors), the evening started to look up. Finally one ended up at an open air lounge with an unusual bunch of people - Pilots, Stewardesses, School Teachers, assorted travel pros, and, this being Bangalore, a few geeks. As the crowd warmed up to the company, the next table started to show singsof life - mostly in the form of 5 young things - fairly tipsy - in identical little-black-numbers. Soon they were joined by one other bloke who then proceeded (unwisely) to ply the object of his affection, with several large vodka tonics (or some such colourless beverage). This left 4 other fillies to, well fill time, and subsequently pile onto these two - resulting in a bit of a melee with a mishmash of disarrayed clothes.
In most circumstances this would have been mildly interesting - if accompanied by a pass from of of that lot (either they were pretty or one had a beer too many) - what made it hilarious was the reaction of the table:
Pilots +Brother -> Bad bad move, the guy aint getting any tonight. In 10 minutes the babe is going to throw up on him then he is going to drop them all home.
Stewardess -> These kids! But then Bombay isnt much better, just teenagers floating around. What a waste of time. The music sucks (this was true).
School Teachers (4 Nos. - and just to be clear, not much older than the drunken lot) -> what is the world coming true. Parents are responsible for this mess . Cant bear to watch this ..[Exit School Teacher 1 - unaccompanied]
Geeks - [reacting to being told that tall filly was eyeing him] - not my type [stoic]

Note: This entire bunch was Bawa with yours truly being the only non-bawa though the travel babe did mistake self for the Pilot's Brother's twin!

However, the entertainment was brought to a swift conclusion by a whistle wielding cop who proceeded to chase the entire crowd out, leading to further hilarity on the (rather busy) road (read tipsy women in very short dresses, supporting (or trying to) each other and trying to cross a rather busy road).

Now I had assumed that one was privy to this entertaining episode - however, as one surfaced for the Hash Sunday evening, was greeted by a "Hey, saw you last night" - which sent one into a flurry of excuses like - it wasnt me, I didnt do anything, till it dawned that in public one was rather well behaved. So M.Shetty and M.Menkka then reconfirmed the 5 dress episode, delicately filling me in on the said quintets performance, when out of sight. The pilots were right and the teacher's need'nt have worried.

The hash itself was rather successful - it rained and wiped out the trail resulting in a shortened run (some 11.5 k or thereabouts) but the scenery was astounding. Water stop included pineapple liberally spiked with Smirnoffs finest! This was a farewell as well, there was an excellent circle - people and their dogs were iced for offences real and imagined - and one individual for taking an imaginary bus for the last 1/2 mile. Kingfisher Draught (in 500ml cans) is better than their regular stuff. After a quick change, the party and dinner happened which basically lead (with a side discussion on the demerits of fit women ;-))to more parties in the coming weeks, particularly as there were several people who aren't a part of the contingent off to SL SAIH

Having been designated the unofficial planner for the festivities, I am off to plan said dancing and drinking.

On an unrelated note, I finally have the quorum (double digit strong) to do away with texting. When one individual from the other camp was asked as to why they text, reply: Because I dont want to have a conversation! The defence rests.

Cheers!


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Now playing: Eagles - Hotel California
via FoxyTunes

Dont Work, Have Sex, Urges Governor

DNA - World - 'Marry an Indian to save Russia' - Daily News & Analysis

don't Work, Have Sex Urges Governor

These are the headlines from DNA.. a budding tabloid from worlds 2nd most populous country and both point to the-nation-that-built-the-father-of-all-bombs. Evidently the population (and the demographics) are equally bombed leading to a bit of rejoicing in this part of the world.....read on for explanation. This rant has two parts.. part one is synopsis-commentary.

"Indian men promise to be the ideal spouses for Russian women. Russian men are prone to high death rate owing largely to unhealthy lifestyles."

Now this would imply that Ruskies live it up while Indians lead "healthy lifestyles" which would further imply - will live long (and boring lives) and you cannot change them without an expensive divorce when you get bored. Incidentally, the researcher in question thinks that

“The import of eligible bachelors from India is my big geopolitical idea,”

Yoohoo! Mail order brides from Thailand ..suck on this!!!! It gets better.. she states that this is the only salvation for the catastrophic demographic problem facing Russia (they have far too many hot women - please send some over...puhleeeze!) in a book titled "A Taste of India". Welcome to the 21st Century.

And the reason for such astonishing "compatibility" (other than the fact that the Russians are hot - check out any tennis tournament to verify - Sharapova is Russian) is , yes believe it or not, Language. "............many similarities between Sanskrit and modern Russian vocabularies". Right, only problem is finding Sanskrit speaking Indian men.

"Arbatova’s book was on the bestseller list in summer. Britain’s International Biographical Centre of Cambridge has awarded her its 20th Century Outstanding Achievement gold medal". Rejoice you club of 69 (or worse if you are in Haryana / Punjab/Gujjuland).. salvation is migration!

On a related note, (from some place called ULYANOVSK) : The governor urges couples to skip work and make love instead....!!!!. We have elections coming up.. this dude would hands down agains any opponent... notwithstanding the language issue (which is apparently not a problem - see above) - He is even awarding a free house to anyone producing a brat exactly nine months down the line!!!! Local post office is chipping in by offering free postage for people to write love letters... exactly how that's going to help the governer's campaign is anyones guess.

So, we have a population problem in Russia i.e. more women than men. We have a reverse problem in India. Cooperation is nothing new for Indo-Russian relations, we have co produced the Brahmos and are enroute to produce more. Perfect Solution: Send Sanskrit speaking lot over to Russia - I even have a list: Praveen Togadia, M M Joshi, Ahsok Singhal, Narendra Modi....... we will even pay industrial quantities of greenbacks keep this lot, just dont let them near any nukes or father-of-all-bombs.

For those (including you Mr.Chef) who are sniggering at the prospect of Ulyanovsk(ian) women - do browse to (31, School Teacher, 5'6", Likes Skiing........)

DISCLAIMER: You click the photo / link entirely at your own risk - I have merely pulled this off google for purposes of demonstration ONLY!

Rigtht then, cheers all, I am off to book a flight to Ulyanovsk (wonder what that means in Sanskrit?)

technorati tags:russia, sex, ratio, brahmos, women, hot

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The fine art of communication.....

...has been lost. and no I do not mean disappeared, just awol. One would expect that with the electronic age (encompassing the Telegraph, Wireless, Telephone, the Internet and Mobile Telephony) distances have narrowed and with the proliferation of the Brit.Empire / Illegal Immigration, a common language is used.. but no. what has really happened is that the good old form(s) of communication i.e. speech (and gestures with due credit to Italians') seem to have disappeared - I, of course hold the telegraph (and more particularly Morse) responsible. Sentences, punctuation, and god forbid... complete words WITH vowels!!! consider this case:

Circa 1990 - A gets to know of B. A contact is initiated over assorted (handwritten?) missives. A and B meet over coffee / Bourbon and have a face to face conversation. Follow up with more such rendezvous.

Flash Forward: Circa noughties. A and B Initiate contact over the Internet in a language which looks like the Ebola virus has been through Morse code.
e.g.
Joker: H. Hw r u? Nice profile. Wht u doing? wanna be friendship? (that btw is a real quote from a friend's scrapbook)
Counter party: huh?

Get a life and get a frickin English (or whatever language you do speak in) tutor! Really, you have Internet access, navigate to the "Free" English language course from the Beeb. If you are too lazy to do that, some help for men is available here, courtesy a regular at Craigs, and for women some interesting stuff is here. Else when there is a law against subjecting regular folk to such linguistic torture.. then we shall see who's laughing, HAH!

However, to introduce the real world scenario... here are a few tips ..free of charge .so pay attention you lot.

1. The best form of communication is listening. And I don't mean hearing - I do mean listening. This means paying attention to the other party's tone, gestures, body language - superimposed with some contextual familiarity (if you have none.. you have obviously met said counterparty off the internet in which case you are about get what you deserve for your stupidity - needless to say communicaton in THAT scenario will be somewhat onesided - -"Help! Help" AAAAARRRRRGH....."). I am assuming this is a face to face "conversation" not a face-to-window or a face-to-door or even a face-to-cellphone conversation!
2. Which brings me to the next point. It helps if you look "at" the person you are talking to - this implies you are talking to them. If you don't, ...its just plain rude (also are not really "listening"). Do note that lending your ear (aka Marc A. in Julius Ceaser) DOES NOT involve turning your head as well (there are certain exceptions to this directive - those do not involve speach).
   
3. Humour. No one likes depressed people and unless you are a good friend, you are avoidable. So be lively - slowly the homicidal rage will dissipate..... eventually. Ever heard of a 100 page funny story outside of Douglas Adams? I think not. This is the key - brevity is the soul of wit.
4. Clear writing <=> clear speaking <=> great listening <=> great thinking. Write now and then - it doesn't have to be blogged or ever published. But it does help clear thoughts (this does not apply to serial killers, pathological criminals and politicians - its not a good idea to pile stones if one lives in a glass house).
   
5. Talk (read converse, communicate, exchange ideas, indulge in verbal intercourse etc etc). I don't mean scream and shout and rant. Just talk....a lot helps. Most people are not endowed with ESP and mostly cant read minds. So if you need something or have a resentment or are pissed or even expect something, talk; speak up and be heard. And did I mention that looking directly at the counter party while talking sort of conveys the impression that you are talking to them?? And yes.. honesty helps too!
   
6. Language is important. Your (english) language teacher left some important stuff (like golf) to spend time and teach you some stuff... lets be kind to their memory and use some of the stuff. Parents / government (which translates to tax paying parents) spent good money here...put it to good use!
   
7. Now for some donts. Don't text (SMS) people. Call them. If they are busy, they will either not answer your call (might even call back if you have "communicated" well) or they will have a conversation or tell you they will call back. ooh the joys of instant response ;-) Ofcourse, professionally, SMS/Text is ..well.. professional suicide. Other fringe benefits of not texting include a) RSI prevention b) improved speech c) cost savings (d) 2 minute conversation can easily replace 15 messages e) if you do own telecom stock, encourage others to talk!
   
8. The above does not apply to single women I know.

Right then, so much for the rant (rave?). I am off to plan my day. Happy communicating all....

Word of the post: errorist.
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Now playing: Bryan Adams - The Only Good Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You
via FoxyTunes

Work Sex and other Ills

Interesting news about the office workaholics | Oddly Enough | Reuters

Ever been in a situation where the boss insists you stay back after hours? And actually ended up in an inane conversation about the productivity improvements at the Bangladeshi button factory employing children? And subsequently wished you has a gun so you could shoot yourself? Possibly put the boss(wo)man out of their misery as well?

Well you are not alone. The hard working people, apparently, do not have any play.... and I do mean "any" and not "less" play. according to Apotheken Umschau, the reason for overly diligent workforce is lack of sex (bobfoc could be one reason..). The lesser the sex the more the overtime payment. While a third admitted that they would substitute work for sex (involuntarily as it turns out), some 45% actually do it!! Now as statistics that is interesting - but a deeper analysis shows that there are 55% satisfied people at work (who work less), 45% are vulnerable to an office affair, solution to improving productivity at said Bangla button factory, sack the satisfied 55% and replace them with sexually frustrated ones. If they have office affairs, even better - they will spend more time at work (this will help climate change as their home electricity bills come down).

If you are the said unsatisfying partner, you have cracked it - not only are the odd good sessions really appreciated, the overtime will pay off the mortgage in half the time. Office affair is a calculated risk, at the very least the counter party will learn new tricks. Splitsville gets you half the moolah and you can also look for a BBD..from a higher moral ground!

Moral of the story: all progress depends on the sexually dissatisfied......

Note: In a case of Urban Dictionary meets Reuters Oddly Enough..

1. Said boss can be called an Ignoranus: A person who is not only ignorant, but is also an asshole.
2. Said boss suffers from PPD - It now stands for Post potter depression:

   The empty feeling that comes from finishing the seventh book in the Harry Potter series and realizing there will be no more. eg: Juicy started reading the Golden Compass books to fight her post-Potter depression but she said she just kept waiting for Voldemort to show up

technorati tags:office, affair, sex

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The Stress Diet

The stress diet

The health epidemic looms large and the US is leading the war against faterror (see Sicko and the recent CNN debate on Youtube). Now there are two ways of controlling this rapidly advancing disaster (i.e. Not being able to drink / Dance / Smoke till the wee hours - three nights a week):

a) stop eating (if you can actually do this..this will kill you),

or

b) stop drinking (Har Har).

Hence a highly unresearched and impractical (but fun - after THAT is the point isn't it?) guide to a good diet. The diet is especially designed to reduce work day stress (usually caused by worrying what one may die from - really?? that is a no brainer!!! ITS CLIMATE CHANGE!). This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. In case you are unlucky enough to be stress free - the diet helps you get there. If you are single and looking (for stress), See earlier "how-to" personals guide before proceeding on the diet(sic).

BREAKFAST

1 Grapefruit (Yes all of it - it helps reduce weight weight only - usually exactly equal to grapefruit consumed)

1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach (or Just the spinach if one is charitably inclined towards motile living things).
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the biscuits in said packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping (This is to destress)
1 jar Nutella (any size)

DINNER

4 bottles of red wine (This will destress self...a lot)
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza (with lots of extra cheese - this is to destress the taste buds)
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

DIET RULES

1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories

2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do

4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner - Einstein (allegory to the theory of relativity): that would explain Birds of a feather .......

Note: You cannot dispose off, conventionally, nauseatingly healthy people who refuse to fatten: apparently humans are no longer biodegradable

6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas, samosas, and frozen cokes)

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage

8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something

9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes

10. Chocolate is like a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass

12. Food consumed from someone Else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)

13. All of the above may be delicately flavoured with Vodka (see #4). Never tried Nutella Vodka? This would be a good time to start..

Highlight Diet Mantra...below

And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

To be continued....

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. - P G Wodehouse

Performance Appraisal

We have a problem ... or several depends on who is at the receiving end. Currently one is attempting a diversification of income, keeping the home fires burning (and the beer flowing), AND attempting to internalise the finer points of Glycolysis (no, I am not a biologist, I am merely looking at increasing my regular running by 50% - and yes, this is as crazy as it sounds). If this wasn't bad enough, a parent, in a misguided attempt at home renovation, hired workmen, whose comprehension skills are at par with a two toed Sloth, and speed to match. Hence the buck gets passed down the gene pool to yours truly. To compound matters, the three "master builders" speak three different languages - this has resulted in primer laced paint with the outside of the house resembling the bow on Paris Hilton's dog.
However, my predicament pales in comparison to this friend's - who has to "appraise" a few subordinates...and divide the pie in a manner of speaking. The dilemma, in these times of 9.5% GDP growth, is, how to camouflage the zapper (especially since this dolt has cost one a better part of 50k in bonus)? To help out, I have updated the Idiots Guide to Interpreting Performance Appraisal

1. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ................................................... The stress is on the word "average" which basically means you'd better dust off that CV - the boos dislikes you and you are the said dolt.
   
2. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ................................ and underutilised. i don't want this character within a 100 meters of the office. However there happens to be a powerful uncle / family / in-laws in the picture, hence cant sack the ass. However would be great if another department can take the joker off my hands.
   
3. ACTIVE SOCIALLY ....................................................... A womaniser/Slut and a lush. Was responsible for 30% of the annual staff welfare funds (read office parties). Should be relieved of all duties else the company will face a much higher medical insurance bill next year!
   
4. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........................................ Partner is a lush too - this is not good for the CEO's pending divorce.
   
5. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH .................................... Worth considering for a transfer to Internal Audit, the (wo)man clearly knows all the loopholes.
   
6. QUICK THINKING ....................................................... Explains failures well. Spends too much time reading newspapers at work - consider for promotion to Compliance.
   
7. CAREFUL THINKER ..................................................... Read - just a thinker. Has an In Tray piled to the ceiling. Best place to get rid of incriminating paperwork. Best retained at current position as future scapegoat.
   
8. PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT ......................................... Sleeps with boss(es). Drinks with them too. This is incompatible with #3.
   
9. AGGRESSIVE............................................................... Boorish and Arrogant. Potentially competent and good salesperson if applied to a comatosed client.
   
10. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ................................... great at passing the Buck. Has a great Golf Handicap as a result. Boss loves this one.
11. EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL .................................... Lovely handwriting, expression, especially about company policies, articulated on washroom walls.
    
12. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.............................. Cures Insomnia during meetings. Put new meaning to splitting hair.
    
13. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ........................................ Loud and rude. Please promote and transfer before the office witnesses a homicide.
    
14. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ............................. Lucky, also good at coercion and bribery.
    
15. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ............................................ Keeps a book of jokes in his drawer. Can be called upon to inject humour in any presentation. Otherwise useless.
    
16. CAREER MINDED ......................................................... Will do anything to get ahead. make a great team with #14. Should be hired as external consultant henceforth - reduce company's liability.
    
17. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION ...................... Has no social life - spends most time at work and knows how to operate the copier and shredder.
    
18. RELAXED ATTITUDE .................................................... dresses badly - keep away from customer customer facing roles or any people facing roles. recommend transfer to basement.
    
19. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ............................................. No Life - no date - basically does nothing except spend time at work or in front of TV at home. Has the intelligence of a dodo but can overclock the office copier.
    
20. INDEPENDENT WORKER ............................................... Hates people. hates to work with people. Potential manic-depressive and likely to cost the company a lot in the long run.
    
21. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ...................................... Good with facts and figures - especially while concocting them. Great team player with #14 and #16
    
22. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS .................................... can replace the receptionist. Recommend discontinuing all phone access.
    
23. LOYAL ........................................................................ Largely unemployable. has same position as office furniture.

So, if your appraisal is around the corner, be careful. If you are the boss, knock yourself out - if you have to suffer an idiot, the least you can do is make sure they are excluded from the bonus pool. If the subordinate is a hot babe - send me her number.

So much for the rant -.... am off to mediate a builder dispute (did I mention I don't speak any of the said three languages?).. Cheerio