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My Idea of The Perfect Woman

Well not mine really.... putting out stuff like this is likely to prove suicidal at some future date - haunting past and all that..However, here's a weekend compilation of opinions:

To open the argument .. the perfect woman according to the Irish..


She can drive a diesel Ford Transit van around the old 13 mile Nurburgring in 10 mins 8 secs, she was ripping past Porsches and motorbikes like it was going out of style. As a comparison the host went around in an S type Jag diesel in 9.59. She is an attractive blonde who can drive like the wind, what more could you want in a woman?
Mate, get a grip, she was trying to get away from you!

Whereas Red Bailey says: Awww come on guys, we all know the perfect woman is a deaf-mute with a very short-term memory who looks like Marilyn Monroe......
To which Vpatrick adds.. "Who Never gets a Headache"
yes.. cerebral ailment is is bummer.......

The calssic one: Blonde, Big Breasted, Deaf and Dumb, Nymphomaniac who owns a pub near a racecourse.
If wishes were horses...........

However, at a more fundamental level, there is an animated discussion regarding the very existence of the perfect woman:

Using the Santa Clause, Prefect Man and Perfect Woman argument, for an interactive version look at this site, amply illustrating how driving skills and perfection are related.

The contrary opinion is presented by the kind volunteers at Uncyclopedia in whose esteemed opinion

"The first recorded stories of a perfect woman date from around 8,000,000,000 BC (give or take a couple million years. Though in this early age, she is merely referred to as a mythological creature. There are no recorded sightings of a perfect woman. Over the years the concept begins to change into more of a legend, a creature of which only one single specimen exists. Though the idea of a woman may very well have started out as a fantasy, the common consensus amongst scientists is that she may very well exist or have existed, or even may still be to exist in the future"

John Succinctly sums it up...
"Perfect Woman" : Oxymoron


In Other news: A scientist has a nagging feeling he has left the 9 million volt particle accelerator running..

Brickbats and Beers at the usual place.... Have a great weekend!

Auto Strike ... Yeah!

Bangalore breathed easy today as the Auto rickshaws went on strike. Not having to deal with them while on foot or in any other hydrocarbon guzzling contraption was a relief.. but I was curious as to why they were on strike and The Hindu, South India's left leaning broadsheet had this to say:

The main grouse of local auto rickshaw drivers is the recent inclusion of eight clauses in Vehicle Permit Conditions by the Regional Transport Authority (RTA), Bangalore.

• These conditions include parking at designated places in a queue; (yes..the right lane is for driving, not haggling with passengers)
  
• taking the shortest route; (Preferably not via Goa)
  
• refraining from taking a third-party; (really the drivers seat was designed for one only!)
  
• not demanding excess fare; (I really don't want to sign over my inheritance to reach home)
  
• using only the recommended fuel or LPG kit;
  
• updating address in RC books within 30 days
  
• changing ownership records within 14 days
  
• not refusing to ply without "valid reasons."

Not only that, the intelligent souls are also opposed to the recently introduced (dedicated) lane-system for auto rickshaws.
right........obviously not the brightest crayons in the pack...

The protest was against the introduction of "new" laws which begs the question..did they think they were legally allowed to "take the longest possible route" and "demand excess fare"??

Welcome to the Idiotic Transportation capital of India!

Footnote: I'd love to get my hands on whatever the auto walla's have been smoking!

And just when you thought it couldn't get better..... it does.

This time from North Carolina ... "Officials dismissed a murder charge Tuesday against a sheriff's deputy accused of shooting and killing an unarmed teenager who authorities believed had stolen video game consoles.A grand jury foreman said he had checked the wrong box on the indictment paperwork, triggering the dismissal." and, presumably, the check box instructed all and sundry to switch off their brains as well.....

Also Reuters has unveiled Reuters NewsScope service which makes news items machine readable, allowing automatic trading of stocks etc. based on the news content (supposedly putting overpaid traders out of business). Earlier Thomson financial had revealed a system which uses live trading data to create automatic news stories (putting Reuters reporters like Mr. Doyle out of business, which is necessarily a good thing). Wouldn't it be interesting to merge the two and watch the ensuing fun.....

On an unrelated note, Reuters idea of motivating employees is to show them Apollo 13 clips.

I am beginning to loose faith in the whole Intelligent Design theory, there being complete lack of intelligence in the "design". Henceforth I shall subscribe to the Church of the flying Spaghetti Monster............(with due regrets to the Kansas School Board).

"Intelligence is finite"

Corollary - and the population is rising.

Common sense seems to be uncommon too! Re:recent case of opposition to introduction of compulsory helmets for 2 wheeler riders in Blr. Apparently after 4 false starts, the government (Chief Minister no less - though what business the CM has wasting time on traffic laws is beyond me; ostensibly idiots cracking their skulls on pristine Blr sidewalks more important than chikungunya) decided to cut its health care bill in half by introducing the helmet bill - there were protests and the reasons ... in order of importance:

• Its too hot to wear a helmet (perhaps you prefer a hole in your head - looks well ventilated anyway )
• It impairs hearing!! really??!? Much like all car drivers cant hear a thing when they roll up their windows! Exactly which part of traffic noise do you miss? It might be a good idea to rely on your sense of sight and look over your shoulder (or side view mirrors if you are intelligent enough to posses a pair) BEFORE you swerve!
• Women: Spoils the hairstyle - really? and presumably the diesel soot belching from assorted trucks / autos is a great conditioner? Also great for the face?? gives it a sexy black sheen...
  
• Men: Helmets cause hair loss. I agree with this one. all helmets come fitted with part velcro fasteners on the inside which keep helmets fixed to the head and on removal rip out tufts. Also soot (preferably benzene and arsenic flavoured) is a great hair rejuvinator.

Then there is young Master Rae Rae, all of 16 years old, had a drink too many (in his case a drink is too many), drove a car, crashed it into a lamp post and injured among others his sister. Goes on national radio and says "I would do it again but with no-one in the car besides me. I would drink and drive again with just me in the car," and "Too much to drink for me to be behind the wheel." which was only 180 kph in a 50 km zone!! His mother, yes the parent to the injured daughter, also the booze supplier in this case, says

"Every time I told him not to drink too much but he don't listen. He ignore it," and

"I don't blame him because he was working hard. He needs something to relax." (also on National Radio).
Footnote: British police has appealed to a modern day (jack) ripper to surrender; two British animal rights campaigners "clad" in bikinis made of lettuce leaves urge the people of Kazakhstan to stop eating horses; A Texas real estate agent is offering clients a free Glock pistol with every house they buy and A Texas lawmaker is aiming to allow the blind to hunt

We can only hope Darwin was right about natural selection...............

Found this on Digg/YouTube.. absolutely Hilarious!!

Selective Mutism

There are times in life when one gets tongue tied - classic examples being hand-in -the-cookie-jar (one can only assume you have a conscience) or when the object of your desire (a.k.a. the stalkee; you being the stalker) suddenly decides to materialise at your doorstep. There may even be a general tendency to temporarily loose speech when a rather hot member of the fair sex (or same sex - lets be absolutely politically correct) decides to ask you for directions (and Mr. / Ms. GPA 4.0 a.k.a. maths wizard(ess) turns into a blithering idiot with a voice impediment) - general conversation goes -

HB: Hi, would you know the way to XXXbar
BI: (wheeze)......... (heavy breathing).........
HB: Are you all right?
BI: Er...yes....
HB: Well do you know the way?
BI: (loosely translated)
HB: (flustered).. eh.. ahem... [exit]
BI:(kicks self + yanks out remaining hair in tufts)

Note: HB = Hot Babe BI= Blithering Idiot a.k.a. Dr.Mathematics

well you get the picture - and this is not restricted to Men - there are enough women who are prolific letter writers but cant talk to save their lives! (Sounds fantastic - sadly it is very true...).
If you suffer from involuntary lack of speech there is some good news and some bad news: the bad news is - the "illness" is debatable (as in the shrinks are still debating the classification), and therefore there is no cure. So unless someone can translate "bub-haaaaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiiiiit-theeeeeeeee", your singlehood will continue - indefinately; please look to the internet for communication.
The good news is they are working on a cure and they have progressed to naming it - Selective Mutism.
However, the million dollar question is: isnt there a cure already? I can save a lot of research institutes a lot of money as there is general consensus - vodka releases the tongue. The cure works like this:

BI: bub-haaaaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiiiiit-theeeeeeeee
HB: Vodka
BI: yes yes
HB: Another?
BI: Yes Yes
(miraculous transformatio: After 2 Vodkas BI => Dude, or at least to HB who by this time is desperately looking fro some saving grace in Dude)
HB: (breaking ice) So what do you do?
Dude (formerly BI): I would tell you but you wouldn't understand
HB: {SPLASH} {Vodka and BI face merge}
Exit HB followed by Dude (aka cured BI)

So in case you suffer from SM, take heart, cure is at hand ( I recommend Absolut Citrus).
Till later....

Lost in Transylvania........................

After a brief, but well deserved break, we are back to our not -so-favourite past time... (actually its a distant fifth after women, single malt, jazz, Captain Kidds.. preferably all together). And no I was not really lost... merely mired in the peat bog of assorted things financial. But then being lost is a part of life... ups, downs and the laterals (otherwise known as doldrums).. this is the stage usually after the ups (or downs) when one is basically........lost. You know the feeling, gotten over the last breakup (2 days and a bottle later for men.... a week and a "bin"fire of photos/letters later for women) now what next? Resigned from job, gave piece of mind to Boss - what next (this should be fairly obvious.. brush up CV and start calling the head hunters you idiot); moved to new city, restricted language skills, asked auto walla to go XXX, he takes you via outer ring road, by passing the familiar "Lake Wines" - Lost!

Now I have been lost as well, for all of the reasons mentioned above, and basically decided that the solution to getting out of "being lost" was to use modern technology - a Map (tested for several centuries by land lubbers and amphibians alike). The "device" basically lets you see where you are, where you want to be, and how much deep shit you are in at the present moment. So, a while ago, I moved to a new city and got myself a map. This looked relatively slick (relative to the previous edition which looked like it had been manufactured by Khadi Gramudyog Bhavan, under license from the Uttar Predesh government, using government stationery). Subsequently a car happened and one assumed that a map would come in handy (ha ha)- considering all roads were well marked, complete with hairline arrows showing one ways. People at Eicher are lazy (they don't believe in reprinting with recent changes) and Local Cops are insane (one ways change directs several times), Cal Cops are a public health hazard (not only does the city centre change direction on one ways several times a day, at the precise switchover time, all cops are to be found catching up on their beauty sleep, inside traffic police kiosks!!).
Anyway, after following the map to get to "Point B", I suddenly found myself facing oncoming traffic.. on a one way... and one rather menacing truck bearing down on my jalopy! After a suicidal reverse and an illegal right, I beat a hasty retreat....
Strike One - don't trust the One Ways on maps.

On another occasion, folks and a foreign friend requested chauffeur-ing one bright Sunday morning ostensibly to go see a large local temple. Now normally, the width of a road on the map is directly proportional to the actual width. Obviously the bright cartographers at Eicher haven't heard of the concept so yours truly ended up in this lane with 6 inches to spare on either side of the car... then they forgot to mention that the Bridge at the end of the "wide" road was a foot bridge...Reversal being out of the question, one takes the first exit out of this shady area and ends up in the middle of several cemeteries!
Strike 2: Don't trust the maps!

(Note: One eventually reached this place after an hour or so.. .. had a rather pleasant religious experience suitably complimented by a sumptuous lunch)

So what is the alternative? Enter technology, creativity and zillions of dollars worth of military (satellite) hardware from the US Government (the same chaos which gave us the Internet) called the GPS based satellite navigation system. The concept is fairly simple (at least in theory), enter starting point, enter destination (both usually postcodes). The software gets to work and charts a route for you. Then it triangulates your position on the route using GPS satellites. As you travel, driving directions are fed through a reasonably seductive voice - telling you which turn to take, when a speed camera is in sight and if you are speeding. If you miss a turn, it recalculated the best route and gets you back on track... or so you would think!
One particular place in the UK has had a spot of trouble with these devices... motorists have been sent to this particularly steep (100 ft) cliff top prompting hourly rescues by local villagers. One fellow nearly flew off the cliff trying to reverse his way out of trouble. Which begs the question, when is it that these technophiles noticed that they were no longer driving on a road?? And when is it that they switched off their brains? Trivia: the village in question is appropriately named "Crackpot".
Ever been concerned about needing emergency care and wondering whether risking the ambulance was an option? Meet the rookie, technophiles brigade at the NHS Ambulance service. They were to transfer a "mental patient" from Ilford in East London to Brentwood in North London, a distance of 12 Miles (19 odd kms). So they get to their patients, religiously punch in the destination and off they go. After they went missing for a few hours, the dispatcher got worried and called them...apparently by this time they had ended up in Manchester (ostensibly lost), which is a little over 200 miles (320 kms) away!!!
Strike 3: Screw the maps and Satnav, its more fun getting lost without any help!

Footnote: Now you know why women cant read maps (they are useless anyway) and men dont ask for directions (where's the adventure in that)!!!!

Mangling your own machine: a 10 step "how to" for killing your PC

In response to several queries from people who undoubtedly are planning to stab their current employers in the back (read: resign and join the grocer aross the street as it sounds more rewarding), here's a guide to completely rid your PC of information:

• go to www.undelete-plus.com
• download the file without the installer (you don't need admin access for this and yes it involves clicking the "download" link on the left frame)
• double click and Run a scan
• Now before you ask as to how an undelete programme is useful for getting rid of files, please note the little button called "wipe" on the top bar... it can be used to "wipe" undeletable files form your machine. Also the programme gives you a good justification for downloading it on an office machine in the first place as you can actually use it to undelete accidentally deleted files!! Therefore, please right click the list, select all and hit wipe!
• If problematic, please reboot the machine and when the BIOS version number crops up, hit F8... start in any DOS mode
• Once the command prompt comes on (looks like "C:\" or, for the mentally challenged, black screen with white letters and characters)
• Type Format C: and hit enter
• Are you sure...... answer yes to this
• And voila.... you disk is wiped clean!!! Now no one, including yourself can recover anything ... occasionally Windows does all this without your lifting a finger.
• for a good measure, you could now load Ubuntu OS on the clean machine.
  

However, should you find yourself cyber-netically challenged to execute these very basic (and rather simple) instructions ... do follow steps in section II

Section II

• Get a Philips head screw driver (this would be the one which, if cut a few MM above the end, would resemble a "+")
• look at the base of the PC / Notebook
• remove all screws (spreading them randomly across the room) and carefully remove the hard drive
• now switch on the cooker (hot plate if you are at work)
• make yourself some tea - this will give you time to ensure that there are no witnesses to the gross stupidity of what you are about to attempt, also allow for last minute rethink.
• After chai, take the hard drive in a pair of tongs ( if at work large paper clips will do) and roast on said chai cooker (hot plate) till the label appears done medium-rare or goes up in technicolour flames - whichever is first.
• Your hard drive is toast.
• Have a drink (preferably seven)
• Try putting the PC back together - this serves no purpose as the hard drive is toast and by this time several other components of the machine are beyond hope. However it will help you understand all those anti-DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) ads.
  

If you follow this advice, you should not be let anywhere near a micro processor, including your own; Dont take this personally, this is in the interest of public safety and the future well being of your own gene pool.

Note: I do not condone the misuse of office PC's, if only because the odds in favour of your getting sacked thereafter are ... well.... 1:0

Post Script: A useful tool to keep prying eyes out is Microsoft Private Folder (Currently giving tech support a bit of a headache). It is a single folder which is simply passowrd protected.. totally un scanable without unlocking.

Computer Safety and Blondes'

The second part of my advisory is about computers and general internet interaction. This is classified into three parts, advertant, inadvertant and positively criminal! The advertant bit is generally about protecting personal data. Ever lost a banking password? All they require from you is name, date of birth, and perhaps a transaction or two. Hence, do not throw away statements (bank/credit cards)! Internet banking passwords must not resemble "jesal0610" [due apologies to any Jesal's out there who are born on 6th of oct.] nor must your date of birth be any part of any PIN. Hence, old statements, pls shred; old bills, please shred, and old expired cards, pls cut into little bits.

The second bit is, well a little simpler. The story goes like this: A computer security journo. gets this IM from a friend..suitably edited it goes:

Boy have I got a story for your SecurityFocus column. My brother-in-law just bought a used Intel 20" iMac. The seller was a nice looking blonde, who didn't wipe the disk.

It gets better

For some reason, he thought he needed her password to reinstall the system, so he called her and she gave it to him. Well, he had already seen some pornographic pictures on the hard drive that weren't password protected. Most of them weren't too explicit, aside from a couple of [oral sex] shots. But the password uncovered some videos where she gets sodomized, apparently by her boyfriend, or only one guy at any rate.

So the dude, haiving hit pub conversation jackpot, decided to transfer all this very personal stuff onto a video ipod.
And then it got better (or worse if you are the Blonde)

My brother-in-law doesn't watch a lot of television, but somehow he figured out that the blonde is the host of [a very popular television show in that country]! I saw the vids and I went to the official website, and there she was. There's no doubt about it, it's the same woman...

HOW CAN ANYONE BE THAT STUPID! Well perhaps the reason lies in ignorance of a few basic facts...

1. When you delete a file (and even after emptying the recycle bin), there is enough software available to retrieve those files.
2. Moving a file is not the same as deleting
3. Copying a file onto a portable device is certainly not deleting it
4. Do NOT give out your password to anyone - whatever the reason!

Point 4 has been described by the said journo (rather charitably I might add) as "just shocking in its imbecility"! So to recap: when you sell a comp or leave an organisation where you have suitably abused the office comp, delete everything. If some one calls to ask for a password, tell them to (expletive) off. The tech support guys have access to your PC anyway and anyone else has no business accessing your personal data.

One has to be especially careful about office hardware and networks. Not only can they record , they do record every letter you type (including IM, mail, blog , documents and VoIP), they have aright to do it AND they will sack you for misuse if they should choose to!! Hence, stuff like Orkut, please keep it off work. This is something that Claire Swire and Peter Chung found the very hard way, when their rather risque mails, sent from official id, went around the world in days!!

The last bit is simpler to control: install a couple of free anti-spyware progs, one firewall and one anti virus. Ad-aware and Spybot are essential (and if you are crazy enough to use Internet Explorer then Javacools' spywareblaster is a good idea). The best firewall in the Business is Zone Alarm and for personal use it is free. AVG Antivirus is pretty good (ranked 3 in P C Worlds latest charts) and it is free for personal use.

Having said that, prevention is better than cure. For very personally intimate stuff, it is a very bad idea to shoot yourself in flagrante delicto,

however big an exhibitionist you may think you are. If the relationship ends, or a PC is hacked, that stuff WILL find itself into most unsavoury hands!! (re: Paris Hilton, Allegedly Britney Spears, and now the very bright (blond) TV Anchor!!)... Exactly how long will the journos, friends, bro-in-law resist the temptation to post the material on YouTube??

Be safe .... till next time......

Full article by Scott Granneman is

here

Safety aspects of using both front seats in a car

Enough of the frivolous chatter - now I would like to dish out some (unsolicited) practical advice on being generally safe. Now all of us have relationships, well almost everyone. .. and many a times things reach that point in the relationship when one must take it to the next level.. usually that point is after dinner in the inside of a car. Which should be a pretty safe place you would think.. dark tints etc would make you safe from the prying eyes of Pandu Havaldar. However, when taking the relationship to the next level, (making out in the car since we are all very impatient), do resist the temptation to meet across the front seats..why you ask? Because a) you just might shift the gear into neutral and..... b) what happened to one Mr.Dalal could happen to you. Young Mr.Dalal, a fresh MBA and budding investment banker, decided to cap off a rather successful date with a make out session at the lake side (the lake was like Powai lake minus hiranandani gardens and significantly larger). Having made a move which elicited a positive response from his lady love, things began to get...better. A few minutes into the session, someones foot entangled the wires under the steering wheel - and ripped them clean out! Now this is about 20 odd wires which control, among other things, headlights, ignition and all other electricals. Well, the session abruptly came to an end as the alarm went off... as did any hope of another date after Mr.D and the lady had to trek some 15 miles to get help.

To be continued........

Why arent you married

For the last few hours I have been twiddling my thumbs... some information requested has been lost in transit, backup hasn't arrived, and I cant sleep till I have finished this moderately interesting report!
In such circumstances it is not surprising that ones mind wanders a bit (more like idle mind's a de...... ) and I was thinking about these lady friends of mine, (in a totally honourable way ;-)). All of them are smart, intelligent, ridiculously qualified, well travelled, decent looking, street smart girls and know how to handle situations - well almost all.. Fresh blokes - one of them is a Black Belt, several into kickboxing, and yet others into assorted physical activities.
However the problem crops up when they are asked "How come you are not married?" Er.. answer is no appropriate bloke to saunter up the aisle to or accompany around the flames.. But no, that question must be asked and with amazing regularity. So what's the solution? At the first glance, one could deny wanting to get married - but then this would prompt a whole new speculation (and wild imagination if its a single guy). Asking the interrogator to look for someone could actually result in painful memories of "arranged meetings". The best route is a repartee (mostly single and preferably one sided).

Conversation one:

Q. So How come you aren't married?
A. It gives my mother something to live for.
(Clatter Crash of assorted coffee cups disinterred on the tiles - stunned silence thereafter)

Conversation 2 ( A roundabout one)
Q. So how come the family isn't here? (Read - I see no ring on the finger hence you are single.... Why??)
A. Fortunately I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
[getting into the attack mode]
So why aren't you thin?

Conversation 3
Q. Why aren't you married "yet"?
A. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

And so on and so forth..

so having tackled that - one still has to watch out for the pesky aunt who sneaks in the question on pretext of donating a mixer grinder; conversation being:

Pesky Aunt: XXXX Darling, last time I was here your kitchen looked like it could do with a Maharaja Whiteline mixer grinder 2 in one - here's one for you
Hot Girl: [squeal] (actually a shriek of horror but aunt assumes undying gratitude): Oh you shouldn't have...really (basically there is no place, it looks ugly and the boyfriend, the still hung on ex AND the friends boyfriend are great cooks hence grinding gadgetry redundant)

Pesky Aunt: So how come you aren't married?

(stunned silence - time to put in some dry turmeric + pebbles into the "Maharaja whiteline" and let rip the decibels!)
Hot Girl: (Sign Language) cant hear!
[that is technically called killing two birds with several small stones - especially if the Maharaja's lid were to come off in the process]

On an unrelated note, one young lady, worries about this problem she has with guys adopting complex "dressing rituals" (pre or post being coerced into shaving off the stubble?) - and it being devoid of any subjective decision making (which presumably means - not trying the 36 white shirts to decide which goes well with the Tux / 501's)

Being highly organised , it goes something like this

Well........

Improve your sex life via the internet and other problems with language

I don't read newspapers. Ok that is a bit extreme but I read exactly one newspaper in the morning but most of the news I catch up with is off the web. This used to be a nuisance till I discovered the joys of Flock (its still in Beta so be warned) and used their excellent feed manager (for the techno unsavvy this is a live list of content from various sites). So now I have an opening "front page" which lists out various news items. But then the purpose of this note isnt to brag about my tech prowess (however insignificant it may be) - it is about the content that comes through these links. After the release of the rather wishy washy Casino Royale (really a sentimental Bond without gadgets!?!!) the whole debate about Bond and somehow the attraction of men has been rekindled. TOI talks about TDH being sexy (seriously - that debate went out of the window in MY childhood) - ostensibly they couldnt think of headline for their Bond article, hence this. So anyway - the premise of TDH is that unless you are born with the looks of an ancient greek statue (excluding blank eyes and chalk white skin; preferably dressed) - you are doomed to failure on the personal front?? Or so you would think. So all you people out there, with looks only your mother (or your priest, which could be worrying) could love, take heart, for in this world of abbreviations TLC apparently takes precedence over TDH.
There are several reasons for this, primary one being that women tend to be less shallow, deeper thinkers, and more compassionate than men (and by definition - completely illogical). Women put up a half decent pic on a site (with ankles exposed - read any non-mountaineering footwear) and there is a flurry of mails with the ferocity of the feeding frenzy of a school of sharks which has gone without food for 36 days and has suddenly spied Adnan Sami! On the other hand if she writes some decent prose - she attracts caring, sensitive, classy, interesting men .................who are mostly gay or disaffiliated flaneurs with the gift of the gab (lawyers??).
So there is a problem at both ends - women attract wierdos and men.. well... dont attract anyone.
I will not even attempt to analyse the women's end, requirements etc because it goes into the extremely nebulous region of "feelings" - hence the onus of ice breaking is on men. This piece of advice is for men: and firstly NO; any woman who looks that good is not going to go out with random messagers or even respond! Especially if the messages couldn't be deciphered by ET (wt u doin 2day....les prty). Really, if "U" cant be bothered to use English (as opposed to ET)...give up. If one is a geek and finds the challanges of spoken language a bit much,Strix's guide is highly recommended, replete as it is with greasemonkey, php and other technobabble. However, if Ajax seems like a comic book character, Ruby on Rails an exotic dancer and Typo an error... read on..

So the first order of the day is to go back to the basics - to learn English (or Hindi or Oriya or Tamil or whatever obscure website you are on). Please avoid the temptation to hit rapidex English Speaking course - Kapil Dev was paid MONEY to endorse the product. He is no longer a cricketer and that should be a hint. Also there is no down side to this, even if you don't get a date, employers will look at you more favourably (improved language skills - you can talk to people) and you will be able to handle rejection thorough all that practice. Next Step: read up on some classics - Shakespeare is a good beginning, though G.B.Shaw is a bit better - obscurity of text is the key here as it will take longer to comprehend - better for learning, sort of like chewing your food 32 times.
Note: the order is important as chances of your understanding any literature, without necessary language skills (which go beyond wt - u - 2day), is remote.

Now pay close attention: Once several classics have been mastered (and you are not yet in your late 50s') unsubscribe from whatever dating / socialising site you were on - if you haven't managed a date at the language class / book club / office, there is no hope.

Plan B: Retire to Moscow (there are 4 women to each guy so some are bound to get very desperate - plus they don't speak English) or if Indian, then Times of India matrimonial is a good starting point - it is suitably devoid of "prose space", colour pictures or any other creativity or any means of verification. Plus it is read by parents who might actually get impressed by your qualifications.
Also looking up Mum might be a good Idea .... for reasons other than her excellent culinary skills!

Till later... cheers!

Be Lazy be Lucky: an emperical study

Life is a bitch..(and to complete the, cliche occasionally you marry one). Don't you just detest morbid characters? the perpetually depressed variety (aka Nirupa Roy / A.K.Hangal)? But then, all of us have been down at some point in time; whether is is a relationship going down the gutter, a lost job, nicotine withdrawal symptoms when one makes a (foolish) attempt to quit, or simply at the gross stupidity of people like the Climate Alliance (Re: Breitta's paper footprint suitcase). Just when the world seems to be a dark miserable place (or the inside of Embassy Club in London which is about the same).. one comes across people who are actually scraping the bottom of the barrel and lo and behold, the world is suddenly a much brighter place!!

Meet John Lyne, of Stainforth, near Doncaster (A small hick town near Rotherham and Sheffield whose claim to fame is an Audi service centre or so Len Richards Esq. informed me some 3 years ago). Latest among his illustrious encounters (or lack thereof) with lady luck, is a rather sudden trip down a manhole resulting in his back, left leg and both knees being a tad worse for the wear. That illustrious career began rather early when as a child he fell off a horse and cart and was run over by a delivery van. As a teenager, he fell from a tree and broke his arm. On his way home from hospital - on Friday 13th (no less!) - the bus he was in crashed, provoking another fracture in the same arm. Since then, he's been hit by lightning twice, fallen victim to a rock-fall in a mine, has nearly drowned and has enjoyed three car crashes. (News courtesy El Reg). This guy must spend a fortune on car and life insurance !!

Now this makes me feel really good about the time when my best friends were doctors and nurses (longest relationship with the white coats was 6 months), or when a cousin and I charred his house wiring in an attempt to create an electromagnet (using AC - he went on to become an engineer and is currently a risk consultant), or when I single handedly decided to test the vapourising potential of 110v DC. Though I can safely say that luck was on my side - cant say the same for folks and assorted aunts and uncles who were at the receiving end!

Therefore that slob on the couch in possession of the remote is NOT lazy! He is just making sure he is there when lady luck comes calling (Unlike lightning-never-strikes-twice John) or would you rather have him attempt repairs on the busted micro? Gives new meaning to "let sleeping dogs lie" doesn't it? - Are you ladies listening ......

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

-- Groucho Marx

Survivors Guide to Bombay: Travelling, Eating and Drinking in the City that Never Sleeps (really ....what else would you go there for?)

Just back from a trip to the commercial capital and while I am happy to be back in the former garden city (all gardens having been successfully converted to Malls and other urban mistakes), for the weather mostly, the difference between the cultures of the two cities is stark. In B'Bay I had the rare pleasure of travelling in an Auto after 0000 hrs, without making the effort to look for one, or negotiating the price or even the destination. Now the same exercise in B'lore, the exchange would have gone something like this:

Self: XXXXXX Destination name
Autowalla: Double fare
Self: Why?
Autowalla: Because it is late.
Self: Normally there is a 50% night surcharge which the meter takes care of.
Autowalla: "£$%^&*

Exit Self
Return Self accompanied by B'lore equivalent of Pandu Havaldar<br>Exit self in wayward Auto - get charged normal fare.


Now in these pressing times this is a qualifies as a criminal waste of energy (mostly the exasperated passengers). The B'Bay fares are higher, the meters are accurate, nobody refuses to go to a destination, and no one is heard complaining because the system is fair to all. So why does B'lore suffer from such blatantly illegal and bboorishservice? A subtle glimpse into the system lays the blame squarely on the customers who allow this to happen including this dear friend of mine who has the habit of jumping into an Auto and shouting "Double Fare" before the hapless autowalla has finished asking her "Kidhar Amma?".

The other problem is the lack of options; the bus service is poorly organised, there is no hail-able taxi service to speak of, and the metro project is like the Airport project - will come up in 10 years if Spice Telecom adverts are to be belived. Which is more the pity as some of the finest technical brains are located in the former garden city as is some serious entrepreneurial talent... it is fortunate that I no longer have to call on the services of the local constabulary to travel within the city.

The other great thing about getting away, other than non argumentative cabbies, was the abundance of venues for social interaction. Meeting someone in a quality eatery / bar - not a problem. The establishment takes care of your car and while one takes in the tasteful ambiance, the service is quick efficient and very warm. Bandra comes highly recommended on that front with the hot favourites being Basilico , PotPorrie and Lemon Grass for food with an unlimited number of watering holes to serve every palate and pocket. Toto's Garage Pub (yes it is a former garage where the Pneumaticlift was thrownout and replaced with air conditioning and a bar) is great for rock-and-beer men's evening out and Club IX for the same in a significantly refined environment - both have been there for a while. If you feel like splurging in overpriced dinners while ogling at the odd celeb then you want to head off carter road towards Shatranj Napoli, Olive and others.

Heading home isnt a problem irrespective of where one stays - there is ample public transport (Cabs and Autos') as one steps out of the vend. Missed dinner? no problem - head for a hotel 24hrs coffee shop. Or if you want something more substantial than a club sand which and cold coffee, head for Bade Miyans at Colaba (off the regal circle behind Mondegar - another landmark institution).

The town area itself has its own charms, with evergreen lunch places being Samovar (Kala Ghoda - Located inside the Jehangir Art Gallery - known for Indian food), Mahesh Lunch Home (Fort - Seafood - need a nap afterwards), and Britannia(Ballard Estate - Parsee food - need to be carried away after that). Other new age ones include Jazz by the Bay (Salad Bar) and the Tea Room ( with their excellent Lunches) both located a stones throw from Churchgate. These I shall sample next time in suitable company - perhaps explore some new ones ;-)
After dinner, the only venue to head for is Mocha. Their selection of international and National coffees is unsurpassed. If one is sweetly inclined, the dessert menu is a connoisseursdelight. Of course, no evening at Mocha is complete without the customary flavoured "sheesha". There are 4 known ones in the city - Churchgate, bandra, Juhu, and Powai. all are excellent though the ladies seem to be partial towards the one at Powai and Juhu. A visit to the city is highly recommended - now that the rains have ceased and winter set in. Commuting there is a whole different story!

Till later - Adios amigos.

(Click on the image to read news story)

Ever woken up on the wrong side of the bed (or in the wrong bed for that matter) and wondered if the world (or you - depending who you wake up next to) has gone really bonkers? This neat little protest from the Climate Alliance ( no less!) was against the use of cars - children were encouraged to walk or ride a bicycle to school. The children rode some 600k miles (yeah!) and then, ostensibly encouraged by Climate Alliance, cut out paper foot prints (yes - thats the stuff that comes from dead trees) - all 600k of them!! Austria takes the cake with 200k paper footprints. The genius reporter (from Reuters no less) states that global warming is stoked by green house emissions from plants and other hydrocarbon guzzling monsters AND Mr.Doyle because a large section of the carbon sink has just vanished into Breitta Freitag's footprint suitcase!! What is this? EU's new retail carbon trading scheme??

Continental Europeans have always been sligltly barmy, aka the "If they dont have bread ....." days, apparently it has been all the way downhill since!
Bootnote: To talk to Mr.Doyle, add the above reuters messaging address to your MSN/Live messenger.

William Faulkner on Work

Writing reports and nursing hangovers don't exactly go hand in hand. Believe me people I know! Weekend however was great, a couple of parties, significant alcohol consumption and one rather boring accounting report. Hence a parting quote:

It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

William Faulkner, Author and Nobel Laureate

Why's of men and work

Its rather late and my brains are just about... fried. For the past several hours I have been trying to get my head around a mind-numbingly boring accounting problem (yes it is actually as bad as it sounds...IAS/GAAP/USUKBS/ BS/ MORE BS) - naturally without much success.

So I have decided to look for what would be the exact opposite of "work", something I managed to avoid with such amazing alacrity that several partners later, I find myself ... well... in the need of another partner.

Swiftly moving past my personal travails, I have often wondered as to why is it that whenever the subject of the dire straits of Iraqi economy crops up, "cob web" cleaning or dusting the carpet (yes the Faux-Persian one her mum gifted her darling daughter for her 27th), takes precedence...... when eventually it will be left to the current lady of house to roll up her Capri's and whack a spider or two?
After the conversation has gone something like this:

Don Juan: So much fire is in you.
Tisbea: How well you talk!
Don Juan: How well you understand!
Tisbea: I hope to God you`re not lying.
Exit Tisbea, enter Tiabes + broom on extention pole.

However we digress .... Now it isnt that men are lazy (we just take a longer time to unwind - a day or two at most) and would rather do something else, the fact of the matter is that men would rather not do anything at all. This whole dynamic and dashing bit, machismo etc is all for the benefit of the women and if it weren't for the women, men would traditionally engage in more salubrious pass times such as checking the % of baggage conveyor belts across the world which move counterclockwise (its 44% for those who would really like to know), sipping Captain Kidds finest.
I have a sneaking suspicion that a secret survey might actually reveal that men are "born to be mild"! In fact there is even a club with a website called Dull Men's Club where the byline reads

" A place -- in cyberspace -- where Dull Men can share thoughts and experiences, free from pressures to be in and trendy, free instead to enjoy the simple, ordinary things of everyday life"

Women, on the other hand, are banned from the club - ostensibly because they are "exciting" - not too exciting or even scintillating, just exciting.


The Club goes on to promote activities such as

Is music these days too exciting for you? Why not get back to basics . . . simply listen to a metronome . . . click here to get to a letter from a reader, Ty M. Inghe, who found a website Metronome Online for us

and

The Shoelace Site . . . how many ways do you think there are for tying your shoelaces? The answer to this and much more on this terrific website . . . click here

Now what could possibly be more relevant or interesting at that!

Moral of the story (for all you hard working / hygienic people): When you live with a lazy pig, thank your luck stars - it could actually get worse!

Damn... the weather channel is on the blink again................so is DD

Finding onself a suitable mate the unconventional way

Swiftly moving along (or back) to my favourite subject.. Advertising for a mate (Or Spouse / Partner / Companion if you are posh). Unless you are in India, your experience with online dating sites cannot have been very good for one simple reason: the sites exist to make money not to find you a mate with big breasts or GSOH. Men, as a certain lady friend of mine tells me, have reason to rejoice.. there aren't enough single men around.. even in desh! Especially in the late 20's and 30's! A quick check of my current contacts confirms this (Hallelujah!)

While there are several reasons as to why you have not received a response (I suggest a good mirror, your Ex, or your banker), there are enough die hards who have found novel solutions to "hacking" the dating game! The largely uninteresting, but insightful "How To" guide has been put here.

In an ideal world this would be every computer nerds passport to buxom Latina haven!! However there are yet others who have taken a rather novel (and sometimes brutally frank) route to hunt!! These gems have been compiled by the London review of Books (why does all this happen only in the UK?)..

"Woman, 32, needful of the finer things in life seeks stinking rich bloke, 80-100, Must be willing to fibrillate his ventricles when he becomes tiresome or bankrupt or both. Also interesting thirty somethings for illicit, immoral affair to be conducted concurrently with the above."

100 marks for honesty... and my number as an added bonus!

Looking for restricted "mood elevators" bordering on illegal? Check this one out!

"Medication free after all these years!," says another, apparently from a psychiatric ward. "Join me (anxious, overweight, self-harming flautist, F, 34) for congratulatory drink (or seven) in side ward of nation's finest"

All my former partners (yes I am posh in case you haven't figured it out) have said they really appreciate honesty above all else in their fella... yeah right especially when they request one to hazard an opinion on your "multi coloured hair" or my personal favourite.. "do these clothes make me look fat"? However, I have been compelled to lie through my teeth in the interest of a healthy relationship (mostly my health).. but there is one fellow for those who really appreciate honesty - he advertises "Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53 seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite."

The other significant issue which invariably crops up in (usually after the 2and date) is the issue of being romantic. Naturally it is left to a guys imagination to figure out what that is (ha ha - for someone whose thought process usually revolves around complex decision making like deciding between Unleaded and Premium gas!). Some fellows normally rush back to their school English teachers to churn out some purple prose - however , there is this one bloke who seems to have outdone himself.. albeit rather late..

"67-year-old disaffiliated flaneur picking my toothless way through the urban sprawl, self-destructive, sliding toward pathos, jacked up on Viagra and on the lookout for a contortionist who plays the trumpet."

Now while in the UK, there was this concept of missed connections.. (for further info look ar the personals here).. I mean seriously.. a hot babe gets into the tube ... 67 guys immediately post a missed connection personal. However, our die hard optimist strikes again with this personal:

"You were reading the BBC in-house magazine on the Jubilee Line (12 November). I was coughing hot tea through my nostrils. Surely you can't have forgotten? Write now to smitten, weak-kneed, severely burned, bumbling F (32, but normally I look younger). I'll be quite a catch when my top lip has healed. And this brace isn't forever."

I believe the abbreviation ROTFL was coined for this chick!

Till later .. I have to compose my own "personals" ad....

Printer Ink, Blood and other economies...
Life is becoming expensive .. this has been the perpetual grouse of all between the ages of 25 and 95 (on either side of that spectrum, presumably people arent really capable of cynical thought - hence excluded). Just how expensive, Gizmodo enlightens us... According to them, HP's printer ink cartridges are topping the charts. Now what makes OEM printer ink such an expensive commodity? I wopuld argue that it isnt that ink is expensive, the other more important stuff is cheap! Blood... cheaper than ink... Booze - cheaper than ink (Yeah!!) - wierd drinks aka Red Bull.. even cheaper!!.
And mixed .. the average price drops even further .... Vodka + Red Bull... Penicilline +Human Blood .... Vodka + Human Blood.....Vodka+Redbull+Human Blood+Bottled water (usually in that order on Saturday nights). This all smacks of a conspiracy to malign all ink manufacturers .. imagine .. Booze is cheaper than ink!!! Or perhaps.. HP et al are responsible for cheap Vodka.. just to inspire (or intoxicate) crappy writers to print more .. crap.

The birth control problem continues unabated in the UK and as a diversification strategy, celebs have been roped in to help out! Ostensibly, Sara Jessica Parker has been roped in by UK parmacy "Boots" to provide a new "male repellant" - perfect for you or your hormonally wild teen...
Unless Boots has corrected it, a search for Durex throws up the finest from Sara Jessica Parker stable...


El Reg goes on to add "We can only assume that Sarah Jessica Parker's fragrance acts as a sort of priapic male repellent - you slap some on and your other half immediately loses wood and pushes off down the pub. This, of course, leaves you plenty of time to enjoy the solo delights of petting the beaver with copious amounts of Boots lube jelly. Lovely."

And you wonder why IT jobs are being outsourced to India!
Cheers
till next time..........

Rum as an effective Contraceptive
These days I am a bit, shall we say, unoccupied.. work (or lack thereof), delayed monsoons and the the consequent Delhi heat have put a dampner on the works. And before the question crops up on the nature of my occupation.. No I am not a farmer who dosent have a perennial water source!
On of the ways I keep myself entertained is to look for "interesting" stuff on the net and this journey has taken me to the the website of TESCO, the UK retailer... They have had some interesting solutions to common problems, for Instance using tinned sardines to unblock drains!! Now I all for good marketing strategies to clear (nearly) expired stock of perishables...but this is absurd. El Reg has more on the unique Tesco solutions to common problems here. Incidently, Tesco at one point recommended Rum as an effective contraceptive!No wonder there have been several protests against the MNC's entry into India... as if Indians are looking for Tesco guidance on increasing their intake of Jamaica's finest or throw tonnes of sardines down the loo!!
Parting Shot: The Right wing in Indian Politics have taken a left turn... they have banned Baa Baa "Black" Sheep ... in schools!!